Young Writers Society

The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.
Another missing poster – as if I needed another reminder.
His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.
Why did they have to choose this picture?
Underneath, there were all the little details: his name, his age, the date he went missing…
Ronny. My best friend.
A deep depression crept over me, a void of darkness that swallowed my soul.

His disappearance punctured a second hole in my splintered heart.

My mother’s death provoked the first.
She died of cancer when I was six years old. People say loosing a mother when you’re young is… easier in a way.
They’re one hundred percent wrong.

I still remembered the night she died clearly.
I was tucked up in bed, waiting for my father to come home from visiting her. I’d been told I couldn’t visit her any more a few weeks earlier because it would make me ‘sad’. However, she always drew little pictures for my father to take home to me – and that was why I so looked forward to my father coming back from his visits.
I listened happily to the sound of our car coming up our drive, and then to my father storming up the stairs. I suppose it was weird he didn’t dismiss my babysitter as he usually did when he returned, but I was too excited about what picture my mother would’ve drawn for me tonight. Colourful fairies, like the last night, or maybe a small elf like the one she’d given me the night before that?
He opened my door slowly and walked in. It was then, in the dim blue light shining from my nightlight, that I noticed there were tears streaming down his face. It was scary – adults didn’t cry. I asked him what was wrong, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he ripped back my bed covers and pulled me into his arms. I kept on asking him what was wrong, but his mouth remained shut, the tears now falling right down to his chin. Finally, we reached the back door that lead to our small garden.
“Naomi, do you remember mummy saying that she was going to go to heaven soon?” he asked suddenly, the tears falling into his mouth as he spoke. I nodded, not knowing what to say – not knowing what he was trying to tell me. He walked out to the garden with me and set me down. My bare feet turned blue as soon as they reached the wet ground. I shuddered in my pyjamas, wondering what daddy was doing taking me out on a cold night like this.
“Look, darling, look at the stars.” he whispered. I looked up, observing the twinkling, glittering dots made entirely of gold. “Do you see that one, over there?” he asked, pointing up towards the biggest and brightest star.
“Yes,” I whispered, suddenly forgetting that I was cold in the eerie silence.
“That one’s mummy, Naomi. She waving at us from heaven, like she said she would.”
He started sobbing, then.
Was this trued, what he was saying?
Was it true that mummy was in heaven now?
Was my sweet, bald mother who drew me beautiful pictures and sung me beautiful songs really up there now?
I knew, even at that tender age, that I would never see her again.
Great, rattling tears began to emerge from my chest.

I wiped my eye furiously, angry that my pain was still so harsh. I should count myself lucky – my father’s was even harsher. Even being near him was dangerous – the agony in his heart too much for me to share.

I paused by Ronny’s house. How many times I’d walked up that path… The front door banged open and I saw Heidi, his mother, walking out, a bag of rubbish in her hand. I tried to duck so she wouldn’t see me, but her eager eyes never missed anything. She’d helped me and my father a lot since my mother died, almost acting like a second mother. However, when her darling Ronny disappeared, she began to act strange – as if by pretending I was Ronny, everything would be okay.
“Lovely! I haven’t seen you in a while!” she cried, rushing up to me and instantly hugging me. I put my arms awkwardly around her waist, wishing I’d taken the other route home.
“You should come round more often, sweetheart. I love you! I was thinking of making a cake for you yesterday, but I just couldn’t seem to see you around!”
I tried not to look into her desperate eyes. I knew if I did, I’d start feeling sorry for her. Just then, my phone started ringing. I held back a sigh of relief.
“Heidi, dad’s probably getting worried. I have to go.” I said quietly. I struggled out of her grip and rushed down the road, answering my mobile.
“Hello?” I breathed.
“It’s me.” A crackling voice said.
I froze.
I recognised that voice.
Ronny.
Suddenly, two things happened.
One: the phone line went dead. A deafening beep replaced his quiet voice. Two: I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me, followed by a murderous, roaring pain rushing through my pounding heart.

Hey!

Wow..... That kept me captivated from the very start. Well done!

Lilicia wrote:The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.

Lilicia wrote: His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.

Great details in these!

Um, there isn't much I can do here. I wish there was, but there isn't. So, I'll end this review.

Great job! Can't wait to see what happens next!

zOe

The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.

Another missing poster – as if I needed another reminder.

His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.

Why did they have to choose this picture? This doesn't seem to make much sense, I think why did they have to pick this photo? would've made more sense

Underneath, there were all the little details: his name, his age, the date he went missing…

Ronny. My best friend.

A deep depression maybe a better word could be used here crept over me, a void of darkness that swallowed my soul.

His disappearance punctured a second hole in my splintered heart.

My mother’s death provoked the first. I love this transcition between the two events!

She died of cancer when I was six years old. People say loosing a mother when you’re young is… easier in a way.

They’re one hundred percent wrong.

I still remembered the night she died clearly.

I was tucked up in bed, waiting for my father to come home from visiting her. I’d been told I couldn’t visit her any more a few weeks earlier because it would make me ‘sad’. However, she always drew little pictures for my father to take home to me – and that was why I so looked forward to my father coming back from his visits.

I listened happily to the sound of our car coming up our drive, and then to my father storming up the stairs. I suppose it was weird he didn’t dismiss my babysitter as he usually did when he returned, but I was too excited about what picture my mother would’ve drawn for me tonight. Colourful fairies, like the last night, or maybe a small elf like the one she’d given me the night before that?

He opened my door slowly and walked in. It was then, in the dim blue light shining from my nightlight, that I noticed there were tears streaming down his face. It was scary – adults didn’t cry. I asked him what was wrong, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he ripped back my bed covers and pulled me into his arms. I kept on asking him what was wrong, but his mouth remained shut, the tears now falling right down to his chin. Finally, we reached the back door that lead to our small garden.

“Naomi, do you remember mummy saying that she was going to go to heaven soon?” he asked suddenly, the tears falling into his mouth as he spoke. I nodded, not knowing what to say – not knowing what he was trying to tell me. He walked out to the garden with me and set me down. My bare feet turned blue as soon as they reached the wet ground. I shuddered in my pyjamas, wondering what daddy was doing taking me out on a cold night like this.

“Look, darling, look at the stars.” he whispered. I looked up, observing the twinkling, glittering dots made entirely of gold. “Do you see that one, over there?” he asked, pointing up towards the biggest and brightest star.

“Yes,” I whispered, suddenly forgetting that I was cold in the eerie silence.

“That one’s mummy, Naomi. She waving at us from heaven, like she said she would.”

He started sobbing, then.

Was this trued Do you mean true? XD, what he was saying?

Was it true that mummy was in heaven now?

Was my sweet, bald mother who drew me beautiful pictures and sung me beautiful songs really up there now?

I knew, even at that tender age, that I would never see her again.

Great, rattling tears began to emerge from my chest.

I wiped my eye furiously, angry that my pain was still so harsh. I should count myself lucky – my father’s was even harsher. Even being near him was dangerous – the agony in his heart too much for me to share.

I paused by Ronny’s house. How many times I’d walked up that path… The front door banged open and I saw Heidi, his mother, walking out, a bag of rubbish in her hand. I tried to duck so she wouldn’t see me, but her eager eyes never missed anything. She’d helped me and my father a lot since my mother died, almost acting like a second mother. However, when her darling Ronny disappeared, she began to act strange – as if by pretending I was Ronny, everything would be okay.

“Lovely! I haven’t seen you in a while!” she cried, rushing up to me and instantly hugging me. I put my arms awkwardly around her waist, wishing I’d taken the other route home.

“You should come round more often, sweetheart. I love you! I was thinking of making a cake for you yesterday, but I just couldn’t seem to see you around!”

I tried not to look into her desperate eyes. I knew if I did, I’d start feeling sorry for her. Just then, my phone started ringing. I held back a sigh of relief.

“Heidi, dad’s probably getting worried. I have to go.” I said quietly. I struggled out of her grip and rushed down the road, answering my mobile.

“Hello?” I breathed.

“It’s me.” A crackling voice said.

I froze.

I recognised that voice.

Ronny.

Suddenly, two things happened.

One: the phone line went dead. A deafening beep replaced his quiet voice. Two: I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me, followed by a murderous i don't think that would be the best word to use in this sitation?, roaring pain rushing through my pounding heart.

Wow, this is really good, the suspense is unbearable! WHODUNNIT? Please carry this on, I will try and follow it if I remember. :B I really enjoyed it and only found a few errors in it, so well done and keep up the amazing writingz. [:

ok, I'm going to start off by saying this is really good! You've got real talent and i can't wait to read the next installment, but here's a few pointers to change it from good to absolutely out of this world, freaking out so much your mom tells you to shut up, fantastic. (ok, maybe not that good, You should probably talk to some one with more experience than me:)

Lilicia wrote:The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.
Another missing poster – as if I needed another reminder.

totally the perfect start, got me caught and great details, i could see everything clearly

Lilicia wrote:His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.
Why did they have to choose this picture?.

Try a different word, this sounds kidish and unprofessional. maybe "and a mouth that was usually without a smile, drooped down at the corners." Or something like that.

Lilicia wrote:Underneath, there were all the little details: his name, his age, the date he went missing…
Ronny. My best friend.
A deep depression crept over me, a void of darkness that swallowed my soul.

His disappearance punctured a second hole in my splintered heart.

My mother’s death provoked the first.
She died of cancer when I was six years old. People say loosing a mother when you’re young is… easier in a way.
They’re one hundred percent wrong.

I still remembered the night she died clearly..

It's good, but find a way to tie these together, it sounds choppy and broken. short paragraphs are good for building suspense, but this is a little over board. I like someone of them as are though, that's the bolded ones.

Lilicia wrote:I was tucked up in bed, waiting for my father to come home from visiting her. I’d been told I couldn’t visit her any more a few weeks earlier because it would make me ‘sad’. However, she always drew little pictures for my father to take home to me – and that was why I so looked forward to my father coming back from his visits.
I listened happily to the sound of our car coming up our drive, and then to my father storming up the stairs. I suppose it was weird he didn’t dismiss my babysitter as he usually did when he returned, but I was too excited about what picture my mother would’ve drawn for me tonight. Colourful fairies, like the last night, or maybe a small elf like the one she’d given me the night before that?
He opened my door slowly and walked in. It was then, in the dim blue light shining from my nightlight, that I noticed there were tears streaming down his face. It was scary – adults didn’t cry. I asked him what was wrong, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he ripped back my bed covers and pulled me into his arms. I kept on asking him what was wrong, but his mouth remained shut, the tears now falling right down to his chin. Finally, we reached the back door that lead to our small garden.
“Naomi, do you remember mummy saying that she was going to go to heaven soon?” he asked suddenly, the tears falling into his mouth as he spoke. I nodded, not knowing what to say – not knowing what he was trying to tell me. He walked out to the garden with me and set me down. My bare feet turned blue as soon as they reached the wet ground. I shuddered in my pyjamas, wondering what daddy was doing taking me out on a cold night like this.
“Look, darling, look at the stars.” he whispered. I looked up, observing the twinkling, glittering dots made entirely of gold. “Do you see that one, over there?” he asked, pointing up towards the biggest and brightest star.
“Yes,” I whispered, suddenly forgetting that I was cold in the eerie silence.
“That one’s mummy, Naomi. She waving at us from heaven, like she said she would.”
He started sobbing, then.
Was this trued, what he was saying?
Was it true that mummy was in heaven now?
Was my sweet, bald mother who drew me beautiful pictures and sung me beautiful songs really up there now?
I knew, even at that tender age, that I would never see her again.
Great, rattling tears began to emerge from my chest.

I wiped my eye furiously, angry that my pain was still so harsh. I should count myself lucky – my father’s was even harsher. Even being near him was dangerous – the agony in his heart too much for me to share..

I really liked all of that. It explained the story well and gave the reader a deeper insight into his life and personality. great work!

Lilicia wrote:I paused by Ronny’s house. How many times I’d walked up that path… The front door banged open and I saw Heidi, his mother, walking out, a bag of rubbish in her hand. I tried to duck so she wouldn’t see me, but her eager eyes never missed anything. She’d helped me and my father a lot since my mother died, almost acting like a second mother. However, when her darling Ronny disappeared, she began to act strange – as if by pretending I was Ronny, everything would be okay.
“Lovely! I haven’t seen you in a while!” she cried, rushing up to me and instantly hugging me. I put my arms awkwardly around her waist, wishing I’d taken the other route home.
“You should come round more often, sweetheart. I love you! I was thinking of making a cake for you yesterday, but I just couldn’t seem to see you around!”
I tried not to look into her desperate eyes. I knew if I did, I’d start feeling sorry for her. Just then, my phone started ringing. I held back a sigh of relief.
“Heidi, dad’s probably getting worried. I have to go.” I said quietly. I struggled out of her grip and rushed down the road, answering my mobile.
“Hello?” I breathed.
“It’s me.” A crackling voice said.
I froze.
I recognised that voice.
Ronny.
Suddenly, two things happened.
One: the phone line went dead. A deafening beep replaced his quiet voice. Two: I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me, followed by a murderous, roaring pain rushing through my pounding heart.

So good! Makes you want to shake the computer and yell at it that it can't be over yet I really can't wait too see what other magic you can work with those fingers of yours.

hope i could be of some use!

Thanks everyone! This really helped
I've made the next installment (Missing chapter 2) and it needs some serious editing! Please help!!!!

Great story, just let me point out some errors

Lilicia wrote:The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.
Another missing poster – as if I needed another reminder.
His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.
Why did they have to choose this picture? (Like railway said that doesn't make any sense at all)
.

Other than some other mistakes, great story

I'm not even going to bother with introductions; I'm keeping an eye on this story. Very intriguing.

So I actually didn't find a lot of errors in here, but at the beginning, I found the same fault that I'm sure someone else has, but I'll stick it up here anyways.

His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.

So, I can see what you're getting at. At least, I think I can. Ronny's a good-humoured, funny guy. I'd suggest for the one part I'd bolded maybe something along the lines of "his deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me, an usual seriousness about them." or something like that. Just fix it up, organize the thoguht so that it works out a bit better, and makes a bit more sense.

“Hello?” I breathed.

“It’s me.” A crackling voice said.

I froze.

I recognised that voice.

Ronny.

Suddenly, two things happened.

One: the phone line went dead. A deafening beep replaced his quiet voice. Two: I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me, followed by a murderous, roaring pain rushing through my pounding heart.

I love this part. It's quite intense, I find. Even with the simple descriptions. But the short sentences, and just the simplicity of it all seems to work out. It's a great way to end it -- very intense!

I. Characters:

So, the characters didn't have a whole lot of building this chapter. I seem to get the impression that she's [Naomi] probably a pretty independent little girl, growing up without a mom and all.

Next, I like who Heidi is using Naomi to suffice for her missing son. I sort of like the idea that she's using her to fall back onto, for she's really lonely.

And finally, I like from your above description about the missing poster that you could pretty much tell what type of a person Ronny was. It gave hints about it. Like the "unusual seriousness" about him. That was good. We found out he's not a normally serious guy.

II. Setting:
There wasn't a whole lot of description of the setting she was in. There's not really much I can say about this today.

III. Plot:
It's really good, developing plot. With such an intriguing story from the start, it immediately makes the reader want more. You've captured their attention, which is very good. Keep it up! The ending was gorgeous, well, I thought it was. Very intense. And satisfying to the point of wanting more.

OVERALL:
So, all-in-all, there were a few nitpicks, but not many. The only thing I really didn't like was that she'd lost her mother. Maybe it's just me being picky with cliche things and such, but a lot of parents are dead in stories. I'm pretty sure people on choose it like that so they only have to deal with one parent.

But whatever the case, it's fine. Great start!

Oh, my goodness, that was awesome!! You had me from that first sentance

That was a great story! Very well constructed, and it didn't bore me! I just want to know exactly what happened at the end. Are you saying that her best friend just shot her in the heart???? That's extremely dramatic!!
Not even fun to think about.... well, anyway, great story!! Keep up the good work!!

P.S. You're behind by three reviews, you have to have two reviews per work.

oooo! I love the ending! anyway, the story was really good! Great detail, great mystery. I think the part about the mother dying needs just a little more introduction. If feels kind of random just diving into the story. That was all I would change. Everything else was perfect. I really felt the pain and sadness of the mother's death.

I asked him what was wrong, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he ripped back my bed covers and pulled me into his arms

This part for some reason really conveyed the sadness to me.

Alright well, good luck, keep writing, and POST THE NEXT ONE!

Hello,

You have hadmany reviews, and If I say the same things then I am sorry, but it takes long enough to read these + the long reviews

okay.

The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.

I really like this part. Especially the first line. But what was holding up the papers? Pins? could one jab into your leg or something, prick it, or could you get one stuck in your shoe.

Why did they have to choose this picture?

I like this rhetorical question, we can see what you are thinking

Ronny. My best friend.

The only problem I have with the above is the fact that your description doesn't match up, maybe more emotion to begin with!

I was tucked up in bed, waiting for my father to come home from visiting her. I’d been told I couldn’t visit her any more a few weeks earlier because it would make me ‘sad’. However, she always drew little pictures for my father to take home to me – and that was why I so looked forward to my father coming back from his visits.

I would like to hear more about ronny, because he's the main spot light, explain him first then your mothers story.

He started sobbing, then.
Was this trued, what he was saying?
Was it true that mummy was in heaven now?
Was my sweet, bald mother who drew me beautiful pictures and sung me beautiful songs really up there now?

I like the weakness in both you and your dad, but are we getting too much information on her story, and a little off the point?

I love the ending though, the fact that it's ronny!

Hi Lilicia! So your story is really good. You definitely have talent. I just have one nitpick : Wherever you put 'Dad' or 'Daddy' you haven't' capitalised it so make sure you do. Apart from that there is an amazing plot here and I'm sure you'll write something worthy of it!

Keep writing!

Afeefah

Ali! It's me, Demi =D

Let's see what you've got here!


Nitpicks

The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.

"The notice board on the wall" makes the first sentence a little too wordy at first read – have you tried taking "on the wall" out? I mean, usually notice boards are on a wall, so I think you could do without specifically mentioning it.

I'm having a bit hard time with the "one flew into the back of my leg" (you were missing a preposition there, by the way) thing... the more I think about it, the more awkward it starts to sound. To sum everything up, I suggest you'd rewrite the part like this:

The papers that had rattled free from the notice board fluttered all around me, and one of them bumped into my leg. I picked it up, sighing.

You don't have to put it exactly like this, this is just to show you a direction. In my opinion that flows better and doesn't sound too jumbly. =)

His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously

The two adverbs in a row mess it up a bit, don't you think? How about if you had "...staring at me with unusual seriousness" or something like that? Or, if you want to have the adverb there, you could try having "too seriously". It at least sounds better than my first suggestion

People say lo[s]o[/s]sing a mother when you’re young is… easier in a way.

"At a young age", maybe? Also, I think you don't need the ellipses there. It slows the sentence down unneededly.

I still remembered the night she died clearly.

Move the "clearly" after "remembered", since the mother didn't die clearly, right?

I was tucked up in bed, waiting for my father to come home from visiting her.

Hmm, I think you should clear up where he was visiting her, otherwise it becomes confusing. At a hospital, right?

However, she always drew little pictures for my father to take home to me

This is a nice touch, I like it.

Colourful fairies, like the last night, or maybe a small elf like [s]the one she’d given me the night before that?[/s]

You have too many redundant words here – I suggest you replace the strikethrough text with "the night before".

My bare feet turned blue as soon as they reached the wet ground.

I believe that's physically impossible The skin turning blue takes some time, it doesn't happen right away. Maybe have another image to point out the coldness?

Was this trued, what he was saying?

True, not trued, right?

One: the phone line went dead. A deafening beep replaced his quiet voice. Two: I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me, followed by a murderous, roaring pain rushing through my pounding heart.

I think it would sound better if you replaced "One" and "Two" with "First" and "Second" – then you can have commas instead of colons and there's not too much choppiness.

**


So, that much for the nitpicks! However, I noticed you had problems with punctuation in dialogue at some point. As in these parts:

“Heidi, dad’s probably getting worried. I have to go.” I said quietly

“It’s me.” A crackling voice said.

You should end the quote with a comma instead of a period and uncapitalize the first letter of the speech tag, unless it's "I" like in the first quote, or if it belongs to a proper noun, like Mary, for example. There were other places where you had this problem, apart from those two, but I'm going to have you finding them yourself.

I don't know if you knew this, but there are all kinds of tutorial articles in the YWS database, and I'd like to link to those one I feel could help you with this.

This one is by Snoink, and it lists the correct ways to use the punctuation:

viewarticlebody.php?t=19430

This one is actually by myself, because I've been noticing many people have troubles with this very thing:

viewarticlebody.php?t=44898


Hopefully you'll find those helpful!

**

Now, let's look at your story in general. You have such a good grammar, I was delighted to not have to point out several spelling mistakes over and over again. (Actually, I probably wouldn't, but it's a good thing I didn't even have to think about it.)

I think you also balanced well with description and dialogue. I liked how you sort of fused them together, instead of having a big chunk of one and then another. Just pay attention to the punctuation thing and you'll be fine.

One more thing I'd like to point out. The story title is "Missing", and the reader is supposing it will tell about Ronny, as it seems at first. But then half of your story is spent on the flashback about the night of the mother's death, and I couldn't help thinking whether you had slipped off track a little. Then again, the story has several chapters, of which this was only one – so of course I can't expect you to bring me everything in the first part of the story. I'd just like you to pay attention to what I said, and think about whether you can do something about it.


About the main character:

I couldn't help noticing we don't actually know anything about her. We know her name, but often other things are way more important when getting to know characters. Sure, we know she was upset when her mother died, and we know she's worried about her missing friend, but that's something everyone would do. We're still waiting for something that shows us this certain character is original and unique. I often let people get away with things in the first chapter, but the MC is the one who carries the story along. Without them, we have nothing. So that's why it's important to show the readers some originality at early points of the story.


Something else I have to say:

The ending was great, Ali. There's (almost) nothing I love like cliffhangers, and you pulled it off well. Overall, this story shows potential, and I can promise to read and review more of it once I have the time. Thanks for the read, and good luck with your own reviews!

See you around,


Demi
xx

AKL Super-Ultra-Mega-Giga Awesome Messaging Presents...




"KL's REVIEW"



~~~

Hi there, Ali! KL here! I'll be your critic for today!



Warning: I can be brutally honest. Strong opinions, passionate viewpoints and matter-of-fact statements may offend some people. If I start being nitpicky and/or if I start to bite, please stab me in the forehead with a pickaxe. If a pickaxe is not available in your vicinity, a newly sharpened no. 2 monggol pencil will do.



First off...

The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast, whispering dark secrets into my ears. The street was empty; the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board on the wall fluttered all around me, and one flew into the back my leg. I picked it up, and sighed.

The first sentence is somewhat... err...'overloaded'? No, not exactly, but there's something about it that kinda chokes me. "Whispering dark secrets into my ears" sounds cliche. It sets the mood, yes; but it's a slapdash, offsetting, and well... cliche image which ruins a supposed to be first-rate opening of a mood piece. I suggest you remove that, or try...

The wind whipped at my hair like an angry beast as it blew past the corridor, whispering its dark secrets into the gloom of the day. The street was empty, the sky overcast. The papers that had rattled free from the notice board scattered all around me. One fluttered behind my leg. I picked it up and sighed.

...Or something. I highlighted those I have changed. I couldn't muster up the right words to give my point, so I taught by example. I'm not telling you to use my exact words, but I'm just showing you how I would put it myself. I just felt a little lack of detail here (I really, really, really, reaaaally think that you should describe the surroundings a little bit more), but then again, too much detail is also hard to grind down for a reader. I was glad about the fact that I didn't have to read and re-read the paragraph in order for me to understand; it was put simply, and it went straight to the point. Aside from the few errors I noticed, this was a suitable opening. I give you a pat on the back.

Another missing poster – as if I needed another reminder.

This shouldn't be in another paragraph. Separate this sentence into two. Remove the hyphen.

His deep brown eyes seemed to be staring at me unusually seriously, and the mouth that was usually so smiley drooped down at the corners. His dark hair, for once, looked neat.

"His intense brown eyes seems to be staring at me in an unusually serious manner, and the mouth which had always been held up by a cheery smile drooped down at the corners with displeasure. His dark hair, for once, looked neat."

Underneath, there were all the little details: his name, his age, the date he went missing… Ronny. My best friend.

"Ronny, my best friend." Join the two sentences into a paragraph.

A deep depression crept over me, a void of darkness that swallowed my soul.

Another cliche statement. I think this is what you would consider to be "emo". This sentence is too wordy, and it makes my eye twitch. Somehow, when writers use cliche passages such as these, the reader finds it hard to sympathize. Try:

"A deep emptiness swept over me, a twinge of sadness and longing which gripped tighter on my chest as moments continue to pass by."

His disappearance punctured a second hole in my splintered heart.

KL says 'Nyow!' Just as I said before, too 'emo'. You can try not to use metaphors when describing "pain and anguish", because it's just... cliche. And overrated. Not to mention hard to understand. Try to be more casual when describing emotions, because emotions are generally... well, general! Describing emotions doesn't need to include flowery words, too-profound statements, and whatnot. It needs to be simple and well put; direct to the point. Put your passion in description when it comes to character traits, development, mood (of the setting) and the setting itself. When it comes to emotions, less talk, more meaning.

...Or something.

Anyway, I have a word of wisdom for you:

"A wise man once said nothing."


There! By saying fewer things, or just by showing the readers what a character does in order to "convey" their feelings, you get the reader's sympathy, and that's the most important thing. I mean, if we can't relate, even if your plot is awesometastically good, do you think we'll continue to read your story? If your answer is 'yes', guess again.


I hope you understand my gibberish.

My mother’s death provoked the first.

The first what?

She died of cancer when I was six years old. People say loosing a mother when you’re young is… easier in a way. They’re one hundred percent wrong.

People don't say that. And a mother, for Pete's sake! You need the nurturing and love of a mother especially when you're young. People don't say that, I tell you. At least, not here. But really. People who says those things must be numb. Utterly, stupidically, idiotastically NUMB. I don't like that. And yeah, they're one hundred percent wrong. But people don't say that! I'm sure. I'm as sure, sure, sure, sure, sure as the sun will explode after a billion years or so; as sure as the heat that bakes my bread, the light that rises in my (y)east [I copied that off from where I don't remember, but it's funny XD].


Hi. This is me, ranting. Have you got your newly sharpened pencil with you? Stab me. Right now. And oh, before you do, I'll kindly ask you to elaborate on her death. I won't take 'she died of cancer, is all' for an answer. Details, dagnammit. I'm hungry for details. Also, some paragraphs are chopped up the wrong way. Some sentences needs to be joined together, and some needs to be chopped up into two for clarity. Anyway, if you re-read this, you'll see what you need to join and disband. You can do it. (KL's feeling lazy, that's what this means XD)

I was tucked up in bed, waiting for my father to come home from visiting her. I’d been told I couldn’t visit her any more a few weeks earlier because it would make me ‘sad’. However, she always drew little pictures for my father to take home to me – and that was why I so looked forward to my father coming back from his visits.

Awww, that's sweet! But the word 'visit' is redundant, and it kinda rubs me off the wrong way, so please find something else to replace that. That aside, this is okay.

I listened happily to the sound of our car coming up our drive, and then to my father storming up the stairs. I suppose it was weird he didn’t dismiss my babysitter as he usually did when he returned, but I was too excited about what picture my mother would’ve drawn for me tonight. Colourful fairies, like the last night, or maybe a small elf like the one she’d given me the night before that?

Hmmm... I'd try:

I listened happily to the sound of our car coming up our drive, and then to the treading footsteps of my father storming up the stairs. I suppose it was weird - he didn’t dismiss my babysitter as he usually did when he returned, but I was too excited about what picture my mother would’ve drawn for me tonight. Colourful fairies, like the one she drew last night, or maybe something else she'd drawn from the night before?

Okay. That's how I'd put it. You were getting redundant with the 'night-night before' stuff, and I was confuzzled. So... clarify, or remove. Your choice.

He opened my door slowly and walked in. It was then, in the dim blue light shining from my nightlight, that I noticed there were tears streaming down his face. It was scary – adults didn’t cry. I asked him what was wrong, but he didn’t say a word. Instead, he ripped back my bed covers and pulled me into his arms. I kept on asking him what was wrong, but his mouth remained shut, the tears now falling right down to his chin. Finally, we reached the back door that lead to our small garden.

Your door? You mean the door to your room. And also, an adult, especially a male adult, hides their tears in front of their children when they cry, so that they won't get sad and start to bawl their eyes out, too. The last line should be changed into something like:

"Slowly, he stood, straightened himself up, took my hand and guided me through the back door, leading to the garden."


...Something. (There's a comma overload in the above statement, did you notice?) But I think that will make more sense. A person wouldn't just hug someone and then suddenly reach the back door. That would mean they have PK, and that's scarily weird. So, clarify your sequencing of events so that the readers won't make any strange assumptions.

“Naomi, do you remember mummy saying that she was going to go to heaven soon?” he asked suddenly, the tears falling into his mouth as he spoke. I nodded, not knowing what to say – not knowing what he was trying to tell me. He walked into the garden with me and set me down. My bare feet turned blue as soon as they reached the wet ground. I shuddered in my pyjamas, wondering what daddy was doing, taking me out on a cold night like this.

Her mother is harsh, saying that she'll be going away like that, leaving her daughter behind. If I was told that, I'd cry my lungs out. Also, the hyphen over there should be replaced with a comma. I changed 'out to' into 'into', because even if they stepped out of the house, they have stepped into the garden. I think fathers are supposed to cradle their six-year-old daughters in their lap and try to comfort them during times like these, but why'd he set her down away from him? What an inconsiderate father. And feet turn red first when they get cold. They turn blue when you get frostbite. Place a comma in between 'doing' and 'taking'.

“Look, darling, look at the stars.” he whispered. I looked up, observing the twinkling, glittering dots made entirely of gold. “Do you see that one, over there?” he asked, pointing up towards the biggest and brightest star.

You can construct a better image than that. I can feel it in my marrow. If my marrow-feeling is wrong, you are free to dig it out of the crevices of my bones. There's many aplenty for you to dig out. But then, you can do better, so do better. Mediocrity is a no-no if you've got the talent.

He started sobbing, then.

A guy never sobs as hopelessly as that! He should let the choked tears run freely from his eyes, now, quietly contemplating about the life he would have to live without his beloved wife. And that is sure to pang at the reader's heartstrings, believe me. XD But please, stop his sobbing at all costs. He seems like he's overreacting, and guys are more distant about their feelings than girls, especially when they're in front of their children. And also, the star thing is cliche. You can do better than that, so put more backbone into it! XC I'm a slave-driver, don't mind me. You are free to [virtually] kill me at all costs, if I ever annoy you or insult you. I'm not mean, okay? I'm just like this when I get into critic-mode. Sorry, Ali. ^^;

Was this true[s]d, what he was saying[/s]?

[s]HUH?![/s] (e__o) Oh, whoops. My bad. I mean... huh? 'Trued'? 'Tis a typo, mademoiselle. Easy fix. And remember, 'less talk, more meaning'. This might be a sentence with few words, but it is still wordy. Omit the part with the strikethrough.

Was it true that mummy was in heaven now?
Was my sweet, bald mother who drew me beautiful pictures and sung me beautiful songs really up there now?
I knew, even at that tender age, that I would never see her again.

String this together with the 'was this true' part, and put all these together in a single paragraph.

Great, rattling tears began to emerge from my chest.

OHEHMGEE, your chest cries?! LOL. Maybe you meant:


"Swift, warm tears began to slither down my cheeks. My little chest heaved with sorrow."


...Oooor something. (^__^)

I wiped my eye furiously, angry that my pain was still so harsh. I should count myself lucky – my father’s sorrow was even deeper. Being near him was alarming – the agony in his heart was too much for me to share.

Mm-hmm. Highlighted the parts I edited. My hand is getting tired, sorry; and my lazy-o-meter is rising up. Plus, I can't really breathe that well with the respirator hanging around my nose all day. Forgive me for being cranky. ^^;

I paused by Ronny’s house. How many times I’d walked up that path… The front door banged open and I saw Heidi, his mother, walking out, a bag of rubbish in her hand. I tried to duck so she wouldn’t see me, but her eager eyes never missed anything. She’d helped me and my father a lot since my mother died, almost acting like a second mother. However, when her darling Ronny disappeared, she began to act strange – as if by pretending I was Ronny, everything would be okay.

Why is this suddenly about Ronny again? If this was about him, you should've told us about him first before you told us about Naomi's mother.

“It’s me.” A crackling voice said.

["It's me," a crackling voice said through the chappy reception.]


Or something!!! I've said 'or something' for the gazillionth time now! XD So I won't say it anymore. At least, I'll try, lol.

The phone line went dead. A deafening beep replaced his quiet voice. I heard the sound of a gunshot behind me, followed by a murderous, roaring pain rushing through my pounding heart...

EEEEEEEEE!!! *squeals and jumps up and down* I love cliffhangers! And this end was great! Nice suspense here, but you didn't seem to have the whole piece flow into this kind of conclusion. Why?


1) You told us about Ronny gone missing in a subtle, mysterious manner, so kudos for you with that, but 2) You told us about your mother and didn't really build up suspense that would lead to the conclusion (as I've told you; sorry for being redundant, but this is an important point) and 3) You didn't tell us why your mother caused the missing cases. That should be included here, because you started with a main idea, 'My mom's death provoked the first'. So, HOW did she provoke it, who was causing the missing cases (although that's good for later) and why did the suspect get provoked? There are major questions lingering around your plot, lovvie, and I'd be glad to receive an answer or two. All in all a great piece, just work on the necessary details, don't keep too much info in the dark, and don't keep us wondering about things too much. All we know about the characters are their names, and it lacks character development. You still need to work out the kinks, but you managed to keep us hooked in a way. I enjoyed this a lot. Keep up the suspense. It's cool.


Also, I didn't touch up on the grammar too much because 1) there isn't much that needs to be corrected, and 2) Demi and the previous reviewers had nitpicked that already, lol.



This concludes my looooooong review~!


See you in the Chit Chat thread, lovvie~! Hope that helped!



Lotta loves,



KL