Young Writers Society

This came from a dream I had...
It's okay if your really confused. This will be in the middle of a book. Enjoy


The only image in my mind was the gate as the searing pain in my side blurred my thoughts. I stumbled several times, my legs aching under the stress of running at full speed. I could feel my blood soaking through my shirt, making it cling to my skin, and then streaming down my leg in a warm, crimson ribbon. I tripped and tumbled to the sidewalk, falling on my wound. I tried to scream, but only a small gasp slipped from my mouth. I just wanted to stay on the ground, lying in the sun. I wanted to die, to escape everything.
I pushed myself up from the ground, tightly closing my mind as if that would soften the pain. I broke into another excruciating sprint for the gate. It seemed so far away, and no matter how fast I ran, the gate never seemed to get any closer. My whole body throbbed in rhythm with my racing heart. Each step pounded in my head. When I finally reached the gate, I pushed through it without stopping to find Lucy sitting in the courtyard, examining a rock.
She looked up with a smile that was shot into terror. I didn’t waste time to explain anything to her. I had to get inside and hide all the girls before the authorities found me. I grabbed her around the waist and held her by my side as I leaped over the steps leading to the front door of the house. Swinging the door open, I yelled into the house, “Everybody upstairs, now!”
All of the girls immediately halted and stared at me.
“Now!” I put Lucy down and gave her a shove towards the staircase. A sudden burst of panic struck the girls and they all scrambled to get to the stairs. After counting to make sure they were all there, I hobbled up the stairs, gritting my teeth to suppress a cry of agony with each step and trying not to leave a trail of blood droplets. When I reached the top of the platform, most of the girls had already slid through the trapdoor into the rooms below. Standing next to the open door, holding up the rug, was Lucy.
“Hurry,” she whispered. “I hear someone coming.” Fearful tears shimmered in her eyes as three loud knocks pounded on the door. I lowered Lucy into the room below with quivering arms, then slipped through the hole myself, moaning with each subtle movement. I recovered the hole with the rug and pushed the trapdoor back into place. At first, I couldn’t find Lucy, but then saw her cowering in a corner, staring at me through her big hazel eyes. She stared at the blood that drenched my entire right side.
“Are you hurt?” she asked, even though she knew the answer.
“I’ll be fine,” I said, forcing myself to smile. She knew I was lying.
My hands and legs were shaking violently, and I started to feel dizzy as if I were floating several feet off the ground. Suddenly, my knees buckled and I collapsed onto the floor beside the bed, reaching for some invisible object to help me keep my balance. My fingers grazed the surface of the scratchy quilt on the bed, and I grabbed at it in vain. I tried to gasp in agony, but I couldn’t breathe, I was caught between inhale and exhale. My lips moved slowly, forming inaudible words. Terrified, Lucy rushed to my side, but didn’t know what to do. I gripped her arm and released it, leaving a bloody imprint of my hand on her pale skin. As if a small bubble in my throat had been popped, I gasped loudly and choked on my breath. I tried futilely to control my breathing and calm myself. I couldn’t bear Lucy seeing me in a vulnerable state. After a while, my voice weakly crept from my mouth, slurring my words as I asked, “Lucy, did you see where the other girls went?”
She shook her head and started to cry.
“It’s all going to be fine,” I assured her. “I need you to do something, okay?”
She looked up and gazed into my eyes as if searching for an answer to a problem that couldn’t be solved. I lowered my voice to a breathy whisper, pausing slightly between each word as I said, “Go out into the hall and find the third door on your right. In that room you will see a small closet. At the back of the closet is a small door. Do you understand so far?”
She nodded silently and twisted the hem of her shirt in her fists nervously.
“Good. Now, I want you to go through that little door onto the ledge between the real wall and the fake wall in the house. Follow that ledge until you come to a set of stairs. Right at the base of those stairs is a metal door. That door leads outside, and if the other girls aren’t waiting for you just outside the door, I want you to run.”
Her eyes widened and she stuttered, “But where will I go?”
I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter. Just get as far away as you can.”
“Will you come with me?” She grabbed my wrist with both hands and squeezed it as hard as she could, hoping that if she held on tight enough, I would never leave her.
“I can’t. I have to stay here.” I shifted a little to pull my arm from her grasp, but stopped and bit the insides of my cheeks to keep from screaming in agony.
“I-” Lucy started, but her words choked and died. We could hear the thundering footsteps of at least twenty policemen in the hall.
How did they get in here? I thought. “Lucy, you can’t go into the hall anymore. I don’t want you to get hurt.” I pulled my arm away from her grasp as quickly as I could to limit the pain and reached for the trap door. I froze when the same sound of footsteps pounded overhead. Suddenly, silence crept into the room. I couldn’t move as if someone had just punched me in the stomach and I was momentarily unable to breath.
“Lucy,” I whispered so low that she could barely hear. “Open the door to the hall and run.”
“But Vyla-”
“Hush.” I warned. She bit her lower lip and looked back at the door.
A flood of light poured through the ceiling, but was quickly blocked by the shadow of a tall policeman.
“Lucy, run!” I yelled, pushing her forward and clutching my side with my other hand.
She flung the door open to find more men standing in the doorway. One of the men seized her by the arms and dragged her towards him. Lucy started bawling and reaching for me screaming, “Vyla!” the room was filled with cops, like a swarm of black bugs with countless numbers. Each of them had a gun pointed at me, but I didn’t care. My attention was on Lucy. The man holding her started to pull his captive back into the hall. In one swift movement, I reached under the bed, pulled out my gun, and aimed it at one of the men. I sat up as best I could, trying not to show the pain on my face.
The policemen shifted uneasily, tightening their holds on their weapons.
“Let her go,” I demanded. One of the Policemen pushed his way through the sea of officers. Bent over his arm was a black-haired boy. He lifted his head slowly to look at me.

I dropped the gun.


********************
Okay. I hope the description was better, but it still needs work. Any suggestions on titles are welcome, but I know it's hard to come up with a title for a piece you know nothing about. Let me know if you like it in first person. I usually write in third. And I named my black-haired boy. Yay me!
-Sea-

Wow, this was really good. Geez, I'm jealous. You have a really good writing style and this was a really gripping piece. It left me kinda confused, but I'm guessing that was the point? But I was also confused about the person's name who was telling the story. Was it Lucky or Vyla? I don't know maybe I'm just not reading it clearly. Well... I told you that I suck at reviews.
I didn't come across any typos, so that's always good.
I would like to see more of this so tell me when you post it.
It was really good.
Nice job :]

This was pretty good. I saw a few things that need to be fixed though.

She stared at the blood drenching my shirt.

I think it would sound better as, 'She stared at the blood that drenched my shirt.' But, that is just my personal opinion.

I waited until I got my breathing under control and asked, “Lucky, did you see where the other girls went?”

I think you meant to put Lucy instead of Lucky.

I tried to keep my voice calm as another burst of pain tor through my side.

Tore instead of tor.

“Lucy, run!” I yelled, pushing her toward and clutching my side with my other hand.

I believe you meant to put forward rather than toward.

Lucy started bawling and reaching for me screaming “Vyla!”

Comma after screaming.

On e of the Policemen pushed his way through the sea of officers.

Take away the space between On and e.

Other than those things that I pointed out, this was a good story. A bit confusing, but still good.

-Venom

This is very good, very intriguing.
I like the opening line. I'm kind of a stickler on opening lines and yours was very good. It made me want to read to at least the end of the paragraph.
You said that this was going to be somewhere in the middle of the complete story but I think it would work very well as the opening. It grabs the readers attention very well. (If you already have something for the beginning and what not already planned than you don't have to do this).
Some of it was a little confusing without much background knowledge but the plot moves so quickly here that to take time out for background would make it flow not as well. I guess in the scenes before this you could take more time out to describe everything better. Like the MC and the girls and where they live and what not.
Let me know if you update this it's really good!

Hallos Sea! As usual I`ll start with the good things which are that what you wrote is quite good thinking at the story line, characters` acting. You lack the feeling of pain, of fear or at least of slight anxiety. So the MC got shot - C`mon! She couldn't just run like hell without feeling pain or having thoughts about it.

The only images in my mind were the gate and my blood. My legs ached under the stress of running at full speed.

First sentence: The only image in my mind was the gate, and the pain in my [shoulder, leg] was piercing my thoughts like heaten dagger. I felt the warmth of the blood as it coursed down my [hand, leg]. - More descriptions creates the dramatic feeling.
Second sentence : You can continue with "My whole body hurt because of muscle tear and fatigue, but I had to get there, and quick.

I pushed through the gate to find Lucy sitting in the courtyard picking up rocks.

o.O Why was she picking rocks? Weird imagine!

I hobbled up the stairs, trying not to leave a trail of blood droplets.

- Again it`s all about feeling. I hobbled up the stairs, moaning at every step, trying to not leave any blood droplets.

I started to feel dizzy, as if I were floating several feet off the ground. Suddenly, as if someone had hit me over the head, I collapsed onto the small bed, gasping in agony. Terrified, Lucy rushed to my side, but didn’t know what to do. I held her arm and released it, leaving a bloody imprint of my hand on her skin. I waited until I got my breathing under control and asked, “Lucky, did you see where the other girls went?”

- Ok. Here I didn't get anything. I just read it and I didn't ... care about her wound. She just collapsed, came back to her senses and talked with Lucky. Neee! The things when you get shot is that constantly feel pain plus after a while the wound starts to burn. ( I say it from my own experience -.-`)
Change: I started to feel dizzy. I had lost a lot of blood and I knew that but I had to stay strong. Suddenly, my knees mollified and I collapsed on the floor next to the bed. I reached to the edge of it trying to keep my balance but I only grazed my fingers in the wood. I gasped in agony and my mouth uttered slowly words without meaning.
Terrified, Lucy rushed to my side, but didn't know what to do. I held her arm and released it, leaving a bloody imprint of my hand on skin. I tried to get my breathing under control and to regain my lucidity. I asked after a while, my voice weakly making sense of words: "Lucky, did you see where the other girls went?"
- You`re choice if you want to use what I wrote but I strongly recommend you add the stuff that I pointed out.

Bent over his arm was a black-haired boy. He lifted his head slowly to look at me.

I dropped the gun.

- Love this ending! Amazing.

Well that`s all. Seriously you need to have some feeling of drama here especially if your MC is wounded and trying to save Lucky. More descriptions aswell. Luck!

-Akayl

Thanks all. Yeah, this is my first story where my characters are...hurt. I'll add more descriptions.
-Sea-

Well, this is surely better than the first one. I like what you done at the first part with the running action. Nothing to say more about this ... Luck!

-Akayl

I could feel the warmth of my blood soaking through my shirt, making it cling to my skin, and then streaming down my leg.

Err, this sentence confused me a little. I think if you took out 'the warmth of my blood' and replaced it with just 'my blood', it wouldn't be as confusing.

Besides, that, excellent! I hope you will write more. This certainly sounds like an intriguing story. Your authors voice was excellent and so were your descriptions. Excellent work.

Okay so I really liked this and if it was a book I'd probably read it more than once. I think that if you started the story here it would still be okay because it's good to start off a story with action and not let the reader know everything going on. Also, I really want to know who the black-haired boy is so write more! I definitely think the first person point of view is the best because then the reader can feel what the character is feeling and helps get the story going. I'm probably really bad at critiques and stuff so ya uh don't mind me. Well, this story seems really thrilling and I like stuff like that when you don't know what's going to come next so keep that up and yea that's all i got to say. I didn't see anything wrong with it because it was really good.

Wow! I really love it! It's so interesting! I love how you put in a good amount of great detail - just enough to have good descriptions and not to bore the reader out. The only thing I don't understand is, WHY DID YOU STOP IT THERE?! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE PEOPLE HANGING LIKE THAT!!!! YOU'RE SO EVIL!

Well, I'll definitely be reading more of this! Tell me when you post other parts!

P.S. I'm so envious of your detail skillz!!! (yes, skillz)

I have to say it chokes me up a little to read this and reflect on when this idea first came to you as a dream. From that point to now, the idea, the characters, the writing have developed so much and into a story that I could honestly imagine grabbing off the bookstore shelves and buying, reading, and enjoying. Even with this piece taking place in the middle of the story line, I have to agree with many others that this would be a great beginning...despite how confusing action scenes like this can be without any proper background. ^^'
Reading through, I didn't catch any errors, grammatical or otherwise--for which you have ignited my raging envy. My only complaint is that in the middle section I had to go back and reread to understand where exactly Lucy and Vyla were. That is partially because I wasn't reading very carefully, I think, but it also seems a little strange to me that they went upstairs to go down into a trap door. I guess when I think trap door I think basement but whatever. It's not my story.
Other than that, I think a little more description about the nature of her wound would help the reader to feel for Vyla. I just have a hard time imagining what it would be like to try running with a wound in my torso and a bunch of freaking blood running down my leg. Maybe I'm a whimp, but I can't quite see how she was able to run without totally passing out from exhaustion and blood loss. That's where I think more description could go in to elaborate on her wound. But it's your call, naturally.
Well, Searria, I'm impressed yet again. Much loves, Bunny

Haha! Thanks, Bunny. It chokes me up too, but for a different reason. Of course it makes sense to me because I know the surrounding context. Sorry about that.
Yeah, that concerns me too. She has a high pain tolerance, but I agree that she probably couldn't run down the street with a bullet in her side. I'm still trying to figure out a loophole there.
Thanks again, Bunny!
-Sea-

I thought it was really good. I could almost feel your character’s pain and terror. You have pretty good description, very visual and visceral, and the dialogue is well-done. There were some problems, like “pushed through the gate without stopping to find Lucy sitting” should have a bit of a break in it so the character finds Lucy, since otherwise it doesn’t quite make sense. Otherwise, there weren’t a lot of obvious problems and I think you should continue...As for the first person, I don’t think the story would be nearly as engaging without it.