Young Writers Society

N hitched the backpack up on his shoulder and hugged himself to keep warm as the thin tendrils of fog floated around him. He was standing on one of the top levels of a multi-level car park, highly exposed to the howling, icy winds that were common at this time of night.

A man approached from the lift and N’s eyes flicked around, scanning the surrounding area for threats. He found none and looked back at the man, eyeing the bulge in his jacket suspiciously. The man’s face was scarred and ragged and his build was stocky, yet not fat. N guessed he was a wrestler.

“I assume you’ve got the goods.” The man’s voice was cracked and raw.

“Naturally.” N gestured towards the backpack, “But the question is, do you have the money?”

“No.” A thin smile cam to the man’s lips as he pulled out a small handgun out of his jacket and opened fire, bullets sparking of the dirty, concrete walls.

N dived out of the way; landing behind a concrete pylon as he pulled out his silenced Akdal Ghost pistol and flicked off the safety catch. This was the part of the job N hated, when someone thought they could rip him off and he was forced to deal with them It happened on a regular basis and N was used to dealing with it, but he never enjoyed it.

The man stopped firing, presumably to reload, and N took his chance. He threw himself out from behind the pillar and fired twice. The man fell forwards as his legs were flung out from underneath him, blood leaking from the bullet wounds. N stood over him, waiting for the man to spring up, but he didn’t. But as N turned away he saw the man whisper something into his shirt cuff and before N had a chance to react; car doors sprung open all over the parking lot and men holding submachine guns jumped out. N quickly ducked behind the nearest car, a Daihatsu Cube, and tried to work out his current situation. There were maybe 70 men surrounding him and he only had 18 bullets left in his gun.

Seemed like a fair match.

N quickly rolled away from the car and started to sprint towards the side of the building, bullets sparking on the grimy cement behind him, and dropped down behind a concrete pillar. Then, suddenly, the steady stream of bullets stopped. N peeked around from his hiding place and realised why. They had all pulled back to make way for something. But before N could work out what, something started to appear from the lower levels.

“Is that a… THEY’VE GOT A TANK!” N’s brain yelled at him.

The tank was a monstrous block of grey metal mounted two long, thick tracks with a huge barrel wielded onto the front. As it slowly rolled up the ramp that led from the lower levels, its long barrel levelled itself at the pilar that N was standing behind and prepared to fire.

But N was already halfway across the parking lot, his legs a grey blur beneath him. As the tank fired, N jumped towards another pylon, watching the one he was previously behind explode outwards into a cloud of dust and rubble. The tank jolted backwards and the barrel started moving towards him again. N tried to sprint away again, but in vain. The men (N had now worked out that they were private soldiers), had their weapons at the ready and sent a barrage of burning lead in his direction, keeping him pinned down. As the tank readied itself to fire, N studied his situation.

He had a tank about to shoot at him, 70 men making sure he couldn’t break cover and he was stuck in a car park, behind a pylon, right next to the edge, 500 metres off the ground. And no one could survive a fall from that height.

Except maybe N.

Heya! I'm Cottonrulz and I'm going to give you the low-down. *ahem*. Please excuse the cheese in that sentence. First of all, I notice you only joined yesterday, so a big welcome to YWS! I'm sure you'll fit right in. Have you been over to the Community Welcome page to introduce yourself? It really helps you get used to YWS. If not, here's the link: forum1.html

Secondly, you should know about the 2-1 ratio: for every story post you do, you should do two reviews of other people's work. That way, everyone gets reviewed.

Great! To your story! Your opening was very clear, nicely described - I got exactly the feeling of the setting.

N hitched the backpack up on his shoulder and hugged himself to keep warm as the thin tendrils of fog floated around him.

This is so minor, so feel free to ignore this, but I don't think you need the "the" before "thin tendrils". Up to you, but I think the sentence flows better without it - what do you think?

“Naturally.” N gestured towards the backpack, “But the question is, do you have the money?”

Try to vary the way you structure speech. I have problems with speech (i.e. I use it far too much usually) so I've learnt some tricks in my time. This could be improved like this: ""Naturally". Gesturing towards the backpack, N asked, "But the question is, do you have the money?"" See what I've done?

N dived out of the way; landing behind a concrete pylon as he pulled out his silenced Akdal Ghost pistol and flicked off the safety catch.

But as N turned away he saw the man whisper something into his shirt cuff and before N had a chance to react; car doors sprung open all over the parking lot and men holding submachine guns jumped out.

These both have the same problem, so I've lumped them together: you've used semi-colons where you just need a comma. Just to make sure you know, a semi-colon is like a full stop, but between two related sentences. A comma, of course, is just a pause. Well done on using semi's, just make sure you're using them in the right places.

This was the part of the job N hated, when someone thought they could rip him off and he was forced to deal with them It happened on a regular basis and N was used to dealing with it, but he never enjoyed it.

You use "deal" twice in quick succession, so I suggest cutting one out, like this: "...when someone thought they could rip him off - it happened on a regular basis, and N was used to dealing with it, but it was never something he enjoyed."

The tank was a monstrous block of grey metal mounted two long, thick tracks with a huge barrel wielded onto the front.

You need an "on" before "two long, thick tracks"

And no one could survive a fall from that height.

Except maybe N.

Cor! What an ending!

Overall: This is a decent story indeed! Oh yeah, I meant to mention: near the end, you describe his legs as being a "grey blur" or something like that. Is N in a suit, like James Bond? Maybe you could make that clear. Other than that and the stuff I've mentioned, this is an awesome start! A great idea.
~*cottonrulz*~

Hey there. First off, this was an interesting story. Your ability to describe a setting is very good and I was able to picture everything quite well.

Now on to grammer...

N dived out of the way

N dove out of the way

“Is that a… THEY’VE GOT A TANK!” N’s brain yelled at him

Under no circumstances should all caps be used to create emphasis. Use italics or just plain explamation points.

Just a few other things...

I was interested in the main character's name being N. It was odd at first, but creates an air of mystery. Is that is real name? Or a code name? If it is a code name, why would he need one? Your reader will want to know and will keep reading.

I also found it odd that the other guy who tried to rip him off suddenly had an entire army with him. It didn't seem to me like that high risk of a transaction where an army with a tank might be needed. It was a tad unrealistic. Maybe you could be more specific as to how high or low risk this event was and what would have made soldiers and a tank a neccesity.

Overall, good job and welcome to YWS

-Lauren