Young Writers Society

I already know of some things that should be changed, but I want to see if anyone agrees with me before I start.

Also, do you think doing this in present tense would be an improvement? I feel like it would...

This isn't a first section/chapter or anything, it's just how much I've written so far. I apologize for the lack of indents. I can't seem to make the formatting for those work, so I double-spaced the paragraphs instead (for better readability.)

EDIT: Apparently the indents DID work, and apparently I'm still confused

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This job seemed too easy. The front door of this suburban palace offered little resistance, and the family dog barely batted an ear as I crept around the moonlit corridors. It didn’t take long to find the home-office. These people should have hired a better locksmith; the office deadbolt bowed to my demands just as the first had. I peeked inside, and was delighted by what I saw.

There they were, right out in the open; a small stack of photographs, some showing a man and a woman sharing laughs over lobster at some posh ristorante, and others showing the intimate encounter that followed. I pushed the door open, and it gave a welcoming little creak. The room looked exactly as I had expected. Aside from the LCD television and antique paintings, there was a box of expensive cigars lying defenceless beside the photographs, a gold paperweight, small ivory carvings on the shelf and several other shiny, pocket-sized things around the room. But I wasn’t there to steal any of that. The man in the photos would ensure that I didn’t go home empty-handed.

Like a fool, I took a moment to admire the impressive book collection that spanned the length of an entire wall. There were classics, encyclopaedias, old textbooks and self-help litanies. I used to be an academic with real prospects, but that was long ago. It’s a shame that I ended up a petty criminal, but when life gives you lemons, sometimes you have to steal the sugar for lemonade. Ends have to meet somehow, even at the cost of mor--

The jingling of the little dog’s collar snapped me out of my musings—how long had I been daydreaming? Panic. The pup’s barking could wake the man upstairs if it saw me. I snatched the photos from the desk, and secured them in my pocket before creeping back along the same path I entered on.

As the hard rubber of my boot touched the doormat, the hard metal of something blunt struck my head. Shocked, I fell to my knees and was struck once more. Lying there, half in the house and half out, a hand fiddled around in all my pockets before finding the photographs. Through blurry, bloody eyes I saw the thin figure of the attacker leap from the steps, and stride to his dark red sedan. My eyes closed.


I woke up in my own bed, feeling like I needed a bottle of Aspirin and a shave. Apparently some kind soul had evacuated me from the house before the Lord of the Manor phoned the police. A delicious breakfast smell and the sound of a man singing to himself floated down the hall to my room. The bastard was still here—and he was eating my bacon.

The pistol in my night stand hadn’t seen daylight since I had placed it there a year before, but I felt the situation warranted its use. Caution is a man’s best friend, after all. With great effort, I heaved out of bed and shuffled towards the kitchen. The gun remained at my side—no need to be too hasty—as I peeked around the corner to the dining room, and saw a blonde asparagus fern attached to a head and body setting my table.

“Danny, you sneaky bastard!” I shouted over his singing. Danny spun around and grinned.

“Big brother! It’s been too long!” I tossed my gun onto the counter and hugged Danny. I hadn’t seen him since mom died. We were both just teenagers at the time, and Danny couldn’t handle the trauma. He ran away from us, got hooked on Lord knows what and couldn’t hold a job to keep himself afloat. I didn’t fare much better. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I came around the neighbourhood last night. Checked out the old haunts and whatever...looking for you. I ran into Darnel in the subway. He said you were running a job out in the ‘burbs, so I thought I’d save you some bus fare. Lo and behold, I get to the house and you’re laying the doorway all bloody, and there’s sirens blaring a block away. What are brothers for, eh?”

“Ha, yeah, I guess so. Well...thank you for the help. Did you see who hit me?”

“Nope. I got there, you were a bloody mess and the house was creepy quiet inside.”

“Hm. Alright.” Breakfast was ready, and we spent a few minutes plundering our plates in silence. I took the time to think about who jumped me in that house. There’s no way the lard-ass who owned the place did it—I would have heard creaking floorboards before he was anywhere near me—and I don’t suppose a little dog can wield a weapon. I wasn’t alone in that house, and whoever it was knew what they were after.

First I'm confused. I don't get how Danny happened to end up where the main character was stealing those photos. And why the guy who hit him on the head wouldn't have turned on the light and called the police or whatever. I didn't get it. So I'm guessing you could clear it up a little.

NEXT. I actually sort of liked it. The MC did seem to have his own voice, to a certain extent, and I thought the plot had promise. The description could be boosted a little, though. More about the house, the smells, the wallpaper, the chandelier. And then even his room when he gets back, and what Danny looks like, and maybe he takes a look in the mirror so we find out what he looks like. That sort of thing.

It was cute, though. The whole thief thing. Really cute.

Anyway, so try to clear things up a little as far as plot goes, add a little more detail, capitalize "mom", and it'll be GREAT.

Good luck, Christopherson. And if you have any nagging questions about my advice, don't hesitate to PM me.

Toodles.

Hello, Bacon! [I hope you don't mind me calling you that... xD]

Sorry, sorry! I'm so slow with getting around to reviews, you see. I forgot, and then forgot again...

So, interesting! At the beginning, you had a nice flow. Some people may say that this is a bit info-dumpish, but I don't think it's terribly so. At least not until we come here:

“Big brother! It’s been too long!” I tossed my gun onto the counter and hugged Danny. I hadn’t seen him since mom died. We were both just teenagers at the time, and Danny couldn’t handle the trauma. He ran away from us, got hooked on Lord knows what and couldn’t hold a job to keep himself afloat. I didn’t fare much better. “What are you doing here?”

While I think it's good/necessary to have a bit of light on the backstory, I'm not so sure that I like the way it's worded; the part about their mother dying is kind of pushed on us-- and to improve that, I'm not sure what the best approach is. Maybe gradually give us pieces of the information.

From there, the dialogue between the brothers seems fake. This is their first meeting in a long time, so, don't you suppose there'd be a bit more extra talk in between before he dropped the subject, dear? I think that part could use a bit of fleshing out; make it a tad more realistic, dear.



I did like the story, though! Your plot definitely shows a lot of promise, so long as you execute everything effectively, dear. I'd definitely love to follow along with this, should you continue to post it.

And, just a tip, realism is the most important element in adventure. Try not to have your characters do anything outrageously unbelievable.

Great work, sir. I'd love to see more.

June

Mannerisms of the Dog.
It seems rather unlikely a dog would not react at all to a stranger being in the house. Strangers give of a scent that is foreign to a dog, so unless the thing is timid or just perhaps used to servants coming and going (I assume they have maids and what not from how you describe), it just doesn’t appear feasible. Furthermore, what caused the dog to arouse when the second intruder entered? Or perhaps it was following an individual who currently resided in the house?

Expressing the Environment.
“There they were, right out in the open; a small stack of photographs, some showing a man and a woman sharing laughs over lobster at some posh ristorante, and others showing the intimate encounter that followed.”

From the exposition, the narrator must be familiar of the contents and their scandalous nature for he has yet to even enter the room. (Additionally, I assume it is night considering the owner of the household is asleep. One can assume that lights are off in the household which would make seeing the photos on the desk pretty implausible). What might be perhaps a more effective narrative is for him to enter the room and look upon the desk to see the photographs, looking from one:

“The well-dressed man held an arm out, steering the lady into the posh ristorante. I noted his opposite hand resided on the small of her back.”

To the next:

“Brushing the first photograph away, the second revealed the two dining at a table, evidently in pleasant conversation.”

And so on:

“The third showing a share of laughter of lobster. And as I got nearer to the end, it only revealed the intimate session that ensued.”

This brings up various points. The photos, obviously scandalous, are conveniently left in the open? Furthermore, should they not be enclosed in an envelope? And it seems that such photos are of rich individual, which may possibly compromise the narrator’s position as a criminal if ever he looked on the photos. Perhaps it shows how inexperienced he is as a criminal.

Additionally:

“...and stride to his dark red sedan...”

Describing items and surroundings from the perspective of someone who just endured two blows may not be this precise. Consider revision.

A Flawed Personality.
“Like a fool...”

Quite the understatement. This man is committing robbery where the potential punishment is pretty heavy considering the things he is after. I would think he would stay on the alert, his adrenaline level at least a little above average, and he wouldn’t yield to daydreams and idle pleasantries such as looking at his book collection. But perhaps he really is a fool. And it would show how inexperienced and cocky he was.

Discontinuity.
Firstly, I’d like to express a brief preference. The narrative seems only slightly disjointed. He grabs the photos and heads in the direction whence he came, but the method by which the narrative is executed, it seems too abbreviated. He is not familiar with the house, so perhaps in his state of panic, he heads for the door and pauses briefly to gain his bearings.

Secondly, he was hit by a blunt object. In response to such an occurrence, individuals release some form of utterance because of the pain. Perhaps he did not comprehend it as the second blow landed—that is certainly feasible. But the combination of him being hit, the probable release of exclamation, and just the general nature of matter hitting matter would probably result in the alarming the house owner.

Also, individuals experience a state of shock only after they gain their bearings after blunt force trauma. The narrator seemingly experiences shock instantaneously. And it seems unlikely the narrator would peer out of “bloody” eyes. Blurry, certainly. But the path blood would take, regardless of the source, would be surrounding the eye. Unless his eye was hit directly from the blow. Then I doubt he’d even be seeing out of it.

Danny returns to town, runs into an old mutual friend, and learns of his brother’s job. However, it is unlikely he would decide to go to the actual house. That would be absolutely reckless considering potential of getting caught. Not only could you alert the homeowner, people as witnesses could have seen the car and compromise the two brothers. Then again, this brother could be a dumb as the narrator. Or arrogant. Whichever you prefer.

Why would there be any sirens? Was it the work of the second assailant?

Wow! is the H for harsh, H seriously you could of said one nice thing. Bacon I liked it it was straight into the story no
long journey to victims house. The Main character had a good voice it wasn't constant but it kept popping up so you
knew it was from his perspective. It dose have a few flaws though. It's too short, you need to lengthen it out add
more description in and more questions for the reader to think about. Some of the things H said were true and good
questions but it's fiction not real so it doesnt really matter if theirs some wrong thing in it. The being found by his brother seems a bit farfetched though. It was still good though.

Jok101