Young Writers Society

Hello. My name is Curtis Cartwell and I am 16 years old. I live with my mum, dad and two sisters, Caroline (19) and Pamela (14). We live in an old heritage cottage in London which we are in the process of moving out of. We are moving to somewhere in Western Australia tomorrow for dad’s work. Well enough on that! I’m heading over to my friends house because all my friends are there waiting to say goodbye. When I got there it was more emotional than I thought it would be. We where all crying and I told them that when I was settled in Australia that I would write to them and tell them how I was doing and what Australia was like. When I left there I went home and we had some takeaway because everything had been packed up and was already travelling to Western Australia so that it would be there when we got there. It was midnight by the time we got to the airport so we had a couple hours sleep in the car before we had to be inside the airport for our flight. As soon as we stepped into the terminal a short man in a black suit and navy tie came up to us and told us that my dad's company had provided a private jet that would take us directly to our destination, a private airstrip somewhere in Western Australia. When we got on board we were surprised that it was a Citation X Luxury Jet. During the flight we were given a gourmet breakfast. But when we thanked the chef he said, “This is not gourmet, it’s a traditional Aussie breakfast”. On landing on the runway we were surprised that the jet had not taken us to the mainland, but to a large island off the coast.

We were still waiting on the plane when the fasten seatbelt light went out and the pilot walked in and said, “Welcome to Leroy Island”.

Hi, do you live in Western Australia - I do. If during writing this novel you need any information about WA you can ask me. I've been around most of the State, so I should be able to help if you need it.

On to the review.

First off, show don't tell. For most of this you're just saying what happens without much description. An obvious example is the first couple of lines:

Hello. My name is Curtis Cartwell and I am 16 years old. I live with my mum, dad and two sisters, Caroline (19) and Pamela (14). We live in an old heritage cottage in London which we are in the process of moving out of. We are moving to somewhere in Western Australia tomorrow for dad’s work.

Andi it goes on... Rather than teeling all this, incorporate it into a scene. This should be broken into four scenes; the friend's house, dinner, the car trip and the plane trip. That's minimum. Within each scene show what's happening. Describe the environment, characters, actions etc. Also put in character thoughts and emotions. They are key. You have done this already with the crying at the friend's house - but you could add so much more.

Also you need to be careful with the tense. In the beggining you're writing in present tense, eg.

I’m heading over to my friends house because all my friends are there waiting to say goodbye.

But throughout the story you often slip into past tense, eg.

On arriving in the airport terminal a short man in a black suit came up to us

These are just two of many times you did this. A proofread should be all it takes to spot them all. Choose one tense and stick to it. The advice I always give is to use past tense, because it's what most people are used to reading, and generally the easiest to write (although that would depend somewhat on what you write mostly).

I hate to point out grammar mistakes, so I won't focus on that. As far as I could tell you used proper punctuation, apart from paragraphs. Remember to paragraph dialogue.

Leroy Island - I don't know of such an island, and google doesn't seem to either. In fantasy you can make up places, but in action/adventure it doesn't seem right to invent places that don't exist, unless it's on a different world, or a tiny uncharted island somewhere. I don't think a large island (as you described it) could go unnoticed off the coast of Australia. If you want your story to have credibility it has to be accurate.

Don't be discouraged. Keep writing and editing. Practice makes perfect.

There's nothing wrong with what you're writing. The plot is fine. You just need to go into more detail.

Just a note about the credibility thing, as I'm too tired to write a full review. Writing about Leroy Island is fine. Harry Potter lives at 4 Private Drive, right? Guess what - that house doesn't look like how it's described. (Yes, Harry Potter is fantasy, but it was the only address I could think of. And that was the 'read world' part of the book.)

So as long as you make it seem real/accurate, don't worry that it doesn't exist. You'll probably just face accusations if you do. (ex: hey, we don't say 'whadup?' here! There's no bench in that park!')

Listen to the review above me. Pick one scene, and expand on it. If you can't, then start later on in the story. I'd actually skip all this and start at Leroy Island - let us figure this out later.

But really - focus in on the details. All the senses, emotions, thoughts, dialogue. Make it real.

Good luck!

~JFW1415

Hey, im interested in these kinds of novels... just finished Corsair by Clive Clussler.
I do hope you continue this, just add a tidy bit more detail and you'll be fine.

Oh, and do expand on some scenes, this is written in an almost summary style.
Just remember, if you think its boring, then the readers will too.

Maybe a little detail on the plane or something along those lines. Spy books usually are pretty detailed on thier techy stuff. (EX: A German F1717 Finale Luxury aircraft with modded All-Terrain Landing gear and expanded air inducts which inables the plane to reach unheard of altitudes.)

Good Luck!

Keep Writing

More Criticism Wanted!!!