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Two Opposites Never Attract



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Sat Nov 15, 2008 5:31 pm
Threnody says...



Melaina
“My sister? I haven’t met her since I was born! Why should I have to now?” I whined feeling very contrary and very grouchy. I was standing in an enormous castle hall with an enormous ceiling and great candelabras adorning the walls. I had never been in such a titanic room let alone castle in my whole life. I had lived with my father for the first 15 years of my life while he was traveling the world. I acquired much knowledge from these journeys and I consider myself a strong healthy girl because of the travels I have taken part in. Now my life was calming down because my father finally decided to go back home to his country Molonå and resume his position as king. As we stood in the castle hall, I was thinking about how my sister, only a few months older then I, would be like. It is her that I am really looking forward to seeing. While my father took me as an infant, my sister stayed at the castle to raise my sister.
“Oh goodness! Melaina! How nice to see you! It really has been too long. 15 years and counting. How I looked forward to meeting you all grown up! Such a beautiful girl you have become since your first birthday!” My mother, a cream skinned, dark haired woman, aged about 35, greeted me. Behind her awkwardly stood a delicate looking blonde girl. I peered over my mother’s shoulder to look at her. When she saw me gaping at her, she immediately turned away and primped her skirt. I then realized my mother was still talking.
“... and Melaina, this girl is Luxa, your sister. Why don’t you two go into the parlor and talk. I’m almost positively sure you both will be instant friends! Luxa, go show your sister around the castle while you are at it.” Luxa glanced over at me and told me stiffly, “Sitting room is this way.” She then began walking off at a brisk pace.
When I sat down next to her she scooted over a few feet like I could give her some rare disease. We sat in such silence you could hear the snow falling outside the window.
“How are you?” I asked, a bit uncertain.
“Good.” She replied curtly.
Her brown eyes bored into mine, her mouth twisted into a sneer. When she saw me flinch she smirked.
“I am going to retire upstairs.” She then she strutted out of the room nose in air.
Against my better instincts I followed her up a marble staircase. I surveyed the flat corridor and found a door engraved with the name “Luxa.” I stood outside and heard some nasty words about my self being muttered under breath. I huffed. I turned around on my heel, angry and nearly bumped my forehead on another door. This time engraved with my name. I entered and saw a soft looking bed and a cozy fire roaring in a homely fireplace. Very well, I would think on it the next day. And I collapsed onto the bed.
I nearly fell out of my chair at the dining table when I smelled the most delicious thing on earth!
When the cook entered with a steaming platter, she told me,
“Poached eggs and parmesan cheese over toasted brioche with pistou. Enjoy, your highness.”
I was sort of embarrassed to never have heard of this meal but being called “ your highness” sort of made up for it. I guess it is fun being a princess. My morning was very smooth until Luxa entered the dining hall. She floated in, almost lighting up the hall with her bright golden hair. I was almost jealous. My dark hair was so easily ignored. The only attribute we shared was our chocolate brown eyes. As she sat down primly beside me, she brushed her arm over the table and knocked over my glass spilling the entire contents into my food.
“Sorry,” she said mock sweet, as she served herself some food.
Then anger took control of me and I stormed over to where she sat hunched over her breakfast. I pushed her head into food. The childish revenge felt victorious. She slowly raised her head to look at me smiling at her with artificial concern and let out a high shrill scream. She picked up a handful of eggs and catapulted it at me with amazing force. I dodged it and ran upstairs laughing. Downstairs I heard the coddling voices of my parents and crocodile tears.

I was falling asleep I heard Luxa scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment.
Days passed and Luxa never spoke to me. She made up the lack of talking by shooting nasty looks at me and never hesitating to pull immature tricks on me. Days later a messenger from a neighboring kingdom, Altair brought awful news. A war was being declared upon us because of an insulting letter sent by Princess Melaina. This letter spoke offending words about their king and country. I stared wide eyed. This was a false accusation, I was sure. I would never do anything like it. But, already, angry eyes glared at me. I must do something but what, I don’t know. By the looks of the Altairn messenger, I knew this war was unavoidable.

Everyone trudged through deep snow by way of a dark forest. Thick icy snow snow covered the trees like a menacing canopy. Calvary horses whinnied in complaint of the cold. I on my own mount stared bitterly out into the obscure timberland. I wondered who would want to make Molonå suffer like this. This mysterious letter is causing half our guards and army to tramp the month long journey to a neighboring kingdom in December. I rode beside the marching army watching their misery because it was my fault. Luxa came along to for reasons unknown. During a rest stop I saw Luxa enter a clump of trees. Her walk was very unsure and I so took after her.
Not a second after exiting the trees my feet slid from under me and I found myself sliding across a frozen lake. This experience was not scary at all. Fun in it’s own way. As I glided merrily across I noticed Luxa sitting head in hands clearly sobbing. Using my cloak as a drag chute I pulled up quietly behind her. I notices rags on her shoes that must have enabled her to walk across the ice with ease. My hands were slowly freezing so I shifted position. Luxa whirled around and looked at me with malice
“Melaina! What are you doing here?!” Luxa cried, wiping tears cholerically from her eyes.
“I might ask the same about you?” I retorted.
“I was trying to find peace and quiet. Go away!”
I shrugged and stood up clumsily and wobbled out a few feet. My boot buckle, made of steel, scraped across thin ice. It had come undone when I was flying across the lake. Afraid to bend down, I hobbled a few more feet. I heard an ominous crack in the ice.
“Melaina? You...” She ran across the ice, rare concern displayed on her face.
“Stop!” I yelled hearing a more definite crack.
“But...”
“STOP!!!!”
In attempt to skid to a halt Luxa flipped back and hit the ice hard. The ice finally gave up and shattered and I splashed into the frigid water. The shock was like being impaled with a spear in the dark.

When I regained consciousness I found myself laying on a bed of pine needles. Luxa was drying out clothing over a poorly made fire pit.
“Why did you save me? I thought you hated me?” I asked.
“I don’t hate you.” she replied flatly.
“Why did you try to make me miserable? Why were you so rude to me when I first moved into the castle?”
“Maybe because you got to do everything I only dreamed about. Having all these adventures while I was at home cozy by the fire embroidering!” she almost yelled. She looked like event the very thought of a needle and colored thread gave her grief.
Hmm. Jealous of me? An unmannered ruffian?
“Your clothes are dry.”
“Where are we?” I asked putting on my clothing.
“Somewhere in an Altairn forest.”
Luxa looked defiant but a bit worried.
“We’re lost aren’t we?” I asked after scoping out the dim forest. That was a rhetorical question.
Luxa
After about an hour of relentless arguing, I finally agreed to help Melaina navigate the forest. All right fine, I don’t hate my sister. I actually regret being mean. I was just so blinded by jealousy. It was like being mauled by the green-eyed monster. It was that she had a life. I did not. I spent time being overprotected by my mother. I envy her bravery too. Right now, as she is dragging me through some forest and is stuck in a hopeless situation, she remains cool and collected. I shiver at every owl hoot.
“Come on! You can see the stars! Look for Polaris. It is the big sparkly one. We need to go North.”
“I am already cold enough,” I muttered.
“Did you know that looking for moss on tree trunks can help you find your sense of direction?”
“Anything else Miss. Information?” I asked sticking out my tongue.
“Humph. Why did you save me? If you had let me drown you could have been called a hero. Everyone would adore you even more.”
“Don’t make me regret it!” I snapped back.
“Then you could resume cooking tarts and sewing cute parasols in peace. Both parents could coddle you night and day. And if, heaven forbid, you pricked your finger...”
I knew my face was turning red. I also knew my eyes were brimming with tears. To add to that mess, I knew I deserved this treatment.
“Stop! Oh please stop! I’m sorry, I really am! (hiccup) You have been so good to me, (cry) I have been so horrible to you. (boohoo) I (gasp) was so jealous of your (sob) bravery. (blubber) Always! (hiccup, cry, boohoo, gasp, sob, blubber, sniff, snivel, whimper.)
Melaina did the last thing I ever expected her to do. She put her arm around me and wiped my solidifying tears with her skirt. I was shocked into silence. I felt so foolish. I pulled away.
“I don’t deserve your kindness. I wrote the letter. It is all my fault. Don’t think you have to accept my apology. But now I really am. I really am sorry.” I hung my head. I never imagined that this would come out. I never knew that I, the hard, sharp, spoiled princess would ever be experiencing a complete meltdown in the middle of a forest.
“You know what? I do accept. I am sorry myself.” before I had time to protest Melaina placed her finger on my mouth. “Do accept my apology?” She asked in a calm voice. I nodded.
“All right then. Lets get out of this hell.”

2 days later we had still made zero progress. I stomped around angrily.
“Are you grumpy?’ Melaina teased, “You know we don’t welcome Mr. Grumpy.”
Humph. I, personally, was pretty open to Mr. Grumpy. Sir. Hopeless too. And while we’re at it, why not let Mrs. Furious, Miss. Despair, Earl of Bad Temperment, Lady Famished and Lord Chill join the party also? Plus, if anything else bad could possibly happen, it began to hail. Small rice sized pieces fell slowly first. Then rice turned into pebbles, and pebbles into large beans, then potatoes began to fall full velocity. We ran into a cave.
“Now what?”
“Now we wait. It is obvious we cannot travel in this weather.”
She knew all the answers. I couldn’t tell if this made her annoying or just plain knowledgeable.

Then I smelled it. I also saw it creeping from the depths of the cave. Tendrils curling around and drifting all about us. I coughed. Melaina was also aware of this atmosphere change and hushed me.
“Melaina? Do you think this cave is...”
“Of course it is not on fire! We would see flames.”
“Where there is smoke there is fire,” I whispered , horrified.
“Where there is fire there is a possibility of being humans.” She is still cool in the face of flames.
“What if there is... CANNIBALS!?
“What if there is kind people who will give us nice warm soup?”
I couldn’t argue with soup. Let it be boiling hot!

At the end of the tunnel was a door. Through that door was a bonfire. Abandoned. I thought about screaming up to the heavens pleading for mercy. What else must we endure? Alas, one more trial. Turning to the horizon, I saw a group of people advance another. Two expansive armies about to clash. It took me awhile to comprehend this advanced information.
“Oh no. Molonå. What have I done? I should be hung.” Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
“We must get there fast. Over there are stables. Grab a mount and ride!” We scrambled over to the horses. I felt a pang of dismay as I looked over at Melaina and saw a hint of panic in her eyes.

We caught up to the warring kingdoms before a sword was thrust. Not a moment too soon either.
“Halt!” I screamed. Every warrior looked over. What they saw was a tiny 16 year old girl on a giant war horse. If it were a different time and place it may have appeared hilarious.
“Luxa! We had begun to loose hope!” He didn’t acknowledge Melaina at all. All eyes narrowed when they saw her.
“It was not her who wrote the letter!” Gasps were omitted throughout the soldiers.
“That changes nothing! A war-eager fighter shouted. “We are a proud nation! We will kill all those who oppose us.” A cheer erupted from the Altairs. Nice people. I didn’t know what to do. Melaina nudged me and whispered, “truth” in my ear. I told the Altairn king everything. Even the hardest warrior softened.
“Altair is also proud of it fairness. Today there will be no fighting!” The king looked at the Molonians. “Go in peace.” Melaina and I smiled at each other. For now we were content. We celebrated. The greatest thing of all, was me and my sister, together.
“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes”
~ The Little Prince~
  





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Wed Nov 26, 2008 7:49 am
cooldude19967 says...



To be honest, I found your story choppy to the extream, and Luxa's character was pretty unbeleiveable. Jealousy is one thing, but why on earth does she break into tears? I'd think it was fake, but you portrayed it as real emotion and that quick a turn around is not realistic. Neither is the fact that after one letter another country is willing to go to wra, without even an attempt to sort things out. and then to just say, OK, now that you've told us we won't fight? It dosn't make sense! I think that this story needs a compleate overhaul, because while the characters could be very goo if you developed them more your plot makes no sense what so ever. Sorry for being so brutal, but I hope that what I said actually helps.
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Sat Feb 21, 2009 4:12 am
qlivia says...



Hmm. Interesting.
A few spelling errors hear and there, but a good plot.
Maybe work on more details in the dialogue to make it sound more believable.
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Tue Feb 24, 2009 3:18 am
Linx says...



Hiya Forever! Here is my review. XD

I was standing in an enormous castle hall with an enormous ceiling and great candelabras adorning the walls.

You used enormous one too many times in this sentence, hon. Take out one of them, and replace it with something else. It's not good to use a word too many times in a sentence.

While my father took me as an infant, my sister stayed at the castle to raise my sister.

I think you made a typo here. You put sister twice instead of putting mother once, I believe. :wink:

When I sat down next to her she scooted over a few feet like I could give her some rare disease.

You are missing something here. Some type of punctuation or something, because this sentence doesn't make sense at all. Try reading over it again and fix whatever it is, because I'm not sure what the exact problem is.

“Good. Comma, not a period. ” She replied curtly.


When she saw me flinch,she smirked.

Don't forget those commas.

I nearly fell out of my chair at the dining table when I smelled the most delicious thing on earth!

You started this weird. Is this a totally new part? If it is, put a line or the little stars (*).

Thick, icy snow snow covered the trees like a menacing canopy.

I don't think you meant to put snow twice, hon. :wink: There also needed to be a comma in there.

This was a false accusation, I was sure. I would never do anything like it.

Wouldn't she know if she didn't write it or not? The way you made it sound here, was that she wasn't sure if she didn't do it or not.

As I glided merrily across, I noticed Luxa sitting head in hands, clearly sobbing.

:wink:

“I don’t hate you. Comma, not period ” she replied flatly.


She looked like event the very thought of a needle and colored thread gave her grief.

Typo. No t at the end of even.

Hmm. Jealous of me? An unmannered ruffian?

Since this is a thought, it would probably be best to put it in italics. Even if it is first person, it would be a good idea.

“Anything else Miss. Information?” I asked sticking out my tongue.

You don't have to put a period after Miss. It's one of those weird words. For Mr. and Mrs., you do put the period. But not for Mister or Mistress.

Do you get it?

“Stop! Oh please stop! I’m sorry, I really am! (hiccup) You have been so good to me, (cry) I have been so horrible to you. (boohoo) I (gasp) was so jealous of your (sob) bravery. (blubber) Always! (hiccup, cry, boohoo, gasp, sob, blubber, sniff, snivel, whimper.)

This part was a little weird I thought. With all the parentheiss, it was....weird?
It just didn't work with me.

2 days later we had still made zero progress.

If a number is below ten, it is better to write out the number instead of just putting the number. Like, instead of putting 2, put two.

The greatest thing of all, was me and my sister, together.

It's my sister and I, hon.

Wow. I guess I was in a nit-picking mood today.

Anyway, one thing you might want to look out for is commas. You left out a lot of them throughout the whole post. I didn't show them all, but still, watch out.

Also, like what others had said before, the dialogue seems a bit unrealistic. Would they really be saying that?
Also, it's okay with all the stuff. I still mess up on it, too, hon. XD
On the actual story, I thought this was a great idea!

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

*Cat
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

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