First off, don't say it sucks. This is never good. Always be positive. After all, I don't think it sucks. I actually think that the overall idea is quite good. You just need to work on the writing and grammar a bit more.
I won't bore you with grammar critiques, as you already have had them pointed out. However, try reading it backwards, one sentence at a time. This might really help you pin down grammar mistakes. Or, if grammar is not your strong suit, hand it off to a friend. That normally helps.
Keep trying! It's almost there.
Gender:
Points: 890
Reviews: 18