Young Writers Society

"Liam, what are you looking at?" my girlfriend, Sierra asked

She looked at me with her sparkling blue eyes and her pink lips were in a pout. I kissed her forehead and combed my fingers through her dirty blond hair.

Across the cafeteria, I watched as my best friend Jordan walk awkwardly towards our table. She held tightly on her books and looked down at her feet. She wore an over sized sweatshirt with sweats and sneakers. Her hair was up in a ponytail and her round glasses sat neatly atop her nose. They weren't joking when they said high school changed people. Jordan used to be spontaneous and wild. She actually used to be more confident but the last time I've seen her like that was the last day of eighth grade graduation. Her hair was always down and she wore the most craziest outfits that only a girl like her could carry. She was charismatic. We were sophomores now and I felt like I've abandoned her when I started spending more time with Sierra than with her. I feel guilty because me abandoning her could possibly make her this way.

"Hey Jordan is coming here. Clear a seat for her." Sierra chimed

I would never expect these two polar opposites to be friends but yet Sierra was like Jordan's sister. They told each other everything and they had their little insiders, occasionally making me feel left out, but I didn't mind. I loved both of these girls and they're happiness meant everything to me.

Jordan came to our table and silently sat down. She opened her book and let herself fall into the words of our nation's history.

"Jordan, there's this party on Saturday and I was wondering if you would like to come." Sierra said

Jordan briefly looked up from her book, with sorrow in her eyes. She shook her head and went back to her book. I started thinking that she was like this because she probably felt like a third wheel.

Sierra sighed and wrapped her arm around mine, laying her head on my shoulder. I smiled at her but from the corner of my eye. I could feel Jordan's eyes boring into us. Was she jealous?

"I doubt she's jealous." Sierra assured me, after school, at her locker

"But when we first started dating-"

"She was like this way before." She continued digging for her cheerleading stuff in her locker.

I leaned on the lockers and looked at her "But what happened?"

We looked at each other and I could see a secret being hidden. Sierra quickly looked away and gathered her stuff quickly.

"It's not my place to tell you," she whispered "Want to walk me to the gym?"

I remained quiet for a few seconds. "You wouldn't mind if I talked to her?"

"No, not at all." I watched her walk down the hallway to get to the stairs that led to the gym. I walked the opposite way to try to find Jordan.

I saw her exit the library and walk to her locker.

"Hey." I said when I got close.

She looked up from the floor and looked at me, with a timid smile. "Hi."

"Tutoring session?"

She nodded her head. Her smile had disappeared.

"That party Saturday...how come you're not going."

She let out a small chuckle. "It's not really my place. Plus...I would be a third wheel anyways."

I knew I was right! Now I just have to tell her that-

"Hey Jordan, want to give me some head?"

Bryan Chambers leaned on lockers on Jordan's left side, and he had a perverted smile plastered on his face. I could see all the color escape from Jordan's body and the red and blue veins on her wrist start to emerge. She shook while getting her books from her locker.

"Relax, I'm just kidding," he said and then he leaned in closer. He dropped one of her books. " Aren't you going to pick that up?"

I could see tears trying to escape from her eyes. I went to go pick up the book for her and I walked over to Bryan.

"Isn't there something you got to do?"

He looked at me with that smile still on his face, but this time it was mocking.

"What you going to do, Jesus Freak? Call your God on me?"

He pushed me a few steps back and walked down the hallway. I looked back at Jordan.

"Are you-"

Before I could finish, she sprinted down the opposite side of the hallway. I didn't chase after her.


Saturday finally came and I drove to the Chamber's Mansion for the party. Sierra bounced in her seat and after I parked, she held onto my hand tightly, forcing me to run inside the house. Sierra loved to party. Parties where drinking and smoking was permitted wasn't really my place but I mainly went for Sierra. I loved seeing her happy.

We danced to a hundred songs and then went to go get something to eat in the kitchen. A million of couples were making out and taking shots. My stomach sunk.

"We could get something later." Sierra said

"No, it's okay." I said. She tightened her grasp on my arm and we managed to get a bag of chips and a couple of sodas. We walked to the porch I sat down on a lounging chair, her on my lap.

"How come you don't like parties like these?" she asked

"It's kind of unstable. Anything could happen," I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "I bet if I looked away from you, some guy could try to steal you."

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you. It's just that people go for things that are the most valuable."

Her face grew warm under my hand, while I caressed her cheek.

"I talked to Jordan."

"Well, was I right?"

"Yes. What did she have with Bryan?"

Her body grew rigid. "Don't say his name."

"Ok..."

"He just did something horrible."

"Did they ever have a-"

"Sexual relation...yes. He...he..."

"What? Raped her?"

I could feel tears on my hands. "It happened the summer of eighth grade when you went to that bible camp. It was all my fault. We were at a party and I knew she liked Bryan so when he asked her to get alone because he wanted to tell her something, I just pushed her to go with him. I didn't know what he was going to do with her. And then, she's gone for the whole night. I search for her and then I get a text that tells me 'Don't worry. You'll see me tomorrow'. I do see her but it's not her. He took away her dignity and all I could do was...watch."

"It's not your fault." I regretted bringing this up.

"I just wish she could come back"

"She will. Don't worry."

"Telling lies about me?" a deep voice asked.

It was Bryan.

"I think you guys should leave."

As we walked out, I could see the anger but guilt in his eyes.

"Say hi to Jordan for me." he said, with a grin.

I could feel the anger boil in Sierra but I held her back. I leaned towards her ear. "Don't worry. We're going to pay her a visit."

When we got to Jordan's house, the house was dark and empty. There was a note on the door.

The Parker's have moved.

I saw the "Sold" sign on the lawn.

"She never told us." Sierra whispered


Senior year finally came and Jordan never came back. I prayed for her return. I didn't want her to run away, thinking that no one could help her. That she had to let a guy make her feel worthless. She needed strength. I sent her e-mails and text messages and phone calls but she never replied to any of them. She was gone and I couldn't do anything about it. I kept thinking about her and kept wondering what could she be doing at the moment? Would she still be caught up in her school work? Was she staying clear of boys? Did she go to an all-girls school? Was she safe? But most of all, was she happy?

Sierra never got over her disappearance and often times, we would find ourselves, silently thinking about where Jordan could be. We missed her, badly.

Senior Prom was suppose to be exciting but it just couldn't be. It was the thing that we all looked forward to but Jordan wasn't here to enjoy today with us. After I picked up Sierra and took pictures, I drove us to the hotel.

It was a silent ride there.

"Let's have fun...for Jordan." Sierra chimed

It was strange. She only moved but it felt like she was dead. Without the three of us here, I feel like a part of us was missing.

We got inside but Sierra wasn't so enthusiastic. She sat down mostly and took sips of her punch.

"Hey guys! You having fun?" Andrew Middleton, student council president, asked

We stayed quiet.

"Well I got this beautiful girl as a date. You may know her." His smile was from ear to ear. She must have been some girl.

"The only girl I would like to see is Jordan." Sierra mumbled.

"Well..."

He motioned his arm to the door. A girl came with a pretty blue dress and her red hair were in curls and they fell gracefully on her shoulders. As she walked, she had a sort of strut liked nothing could touch her. I could feel confidence radiating from her and she had a wide smile on her face. I watched as Bryan walked towards her but she turned around and gave him a quick look. He stood there stunned.

I looked at Sierra and we smiled. Andrew looked like he was in love as he rocked on his feet with his smile threatening to break his face.

Jordan?

I squeezed Sierra's hand.

"It's the old Jordan." she whispered

Jordan came up to our table. Her glasses were gone and her eyes expressed so much joy.

"You guys are meant for each other." she said "Four years?"

Sierra and I smiled and we went to hug her. We couldn't let go.

"We thought we lost you."

Jordan chuckled. "I'm sorry guys for not telling you but-"

"You don't have to explain anything. We're just glad the old Jordan is back." I said

"I'm glad she's back too."

In my opinion this story was okay. I definitely liked some parts of it, but personally it's not the kind of thing I'd usually read because it's very typical-teenager, if that makes any sense. So although this story was fairly good, maybe you could try doing something a bit more different and original? I think you write well and would probably do well if you tried to do that.

One thing I did keep noticing throughout the story was that you often end sentences without a full stop. Full stops are absolutely crucial, I'm sure you know that. I'll give you a few examples:

"Hey Jordan is coming here. Clear a seat for her." Sierra chimed

There are two things wrong with the above. If you're going to say something after dialogue, for instance "Sierra chimed" you need to end the dialogue with a comma and not a full stop. However, there should be a full stop at the end of the whole sentence. Also, maybe it would sound a bit better if you put a comma after the "Hey"?

So this would be your new improved sentence: Hey, Jordan is coming here. Clear a seat for her," Sierra chimed.

"Jordan, there's this party on Saturday and I was wondering if you would like to come." Sierra said

It's the same with this. It's basic punctuation: "Jordan, there's this party on Saturday and I was wondering if you would like to come," Sierra said.

[quote"I doubt she's jealous." Sierra assured me, after school, at her locker][/quote]

You seem to only do this when it comes to dialogue- and let me tell you, you need to change it now if you want to stop yourself from making a lot of errors in the future. Template for speech: "Hello," she said. Opening speech marks, capital letter, speech, comma, closing speech marks, anything else ("she said") and then full stop. Never do it along the lines of this: Opening speech marks, dialogue, full stop, anything else ("She said") left to trail off without a full stop.

"That party Saturday...how come you're not going."

This needs a bit of editing: "That party on Saturday...how come you're not going?" Questions end with a question mark. Simple.

"Relax, I'm just kidding," he said and then he leaned in closer.

This is an example of where you got the speech just right. So go through it all over again and correct the mistakes. If it helps put it into a word processor and do a spelling/grammar check. That's the main noticeable problem throughout the whole story.

Otherwise the story was written fairly well, but as I said I think you could improve your writing by choosing something to write about other than another high school scenario.