Young Writers Society

MUST SEE SPOILER BEFORE READING!



Asher Wolfe. That’s me. Quarterback of the football team, my girlfriend, Sienna, typically the head cheerleader, determined to get titled Prom Queen and King together, predicted to get married and have kids. Well, that’s not how this story will go, because this isn’t a fairytale story and I’ll never get my happily ever after. The reason is because I ‘m in love with someone else that will never, without a doubt, love me back. I might be fighting the laws of nature by admiring this person, but we can’t change the way we feel.

The football team all gathered in the change rooms, the air dense and thick with mist all over the mirrors. This means that people recently showered without permission, the guys all groaned and started cursing and making empty threats.
I decided to break the chatter by making an announcement.

“Jagger, you’re formally on right guard and Brett you’re left.” I said in an oddly formal tone to remind them of my authority here as quarterback.

“Yeah, boys we’re going to smash them this season” Jag hollered, that was then followed by shouts and some of them started singing the team chant.

I forced the muscles around my lip to stretch and formed a tight lipped smile, when inside I’m freaked out. Just looking at him and making eye contact made me so nervous inside, I’m just afraid I’ll make a fool of myself.

“Yeah with Jag on guard, I might as well have a girl defending me” I said in a light voice despite all the feelings and thoughts inside.

Jag gave a crooked smile and playfully shoulder charged me against the red lockers. My heart hammered in my chest, from being this close and my breath came out short and fast. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t moved, his body still up against mine and Jag wore a confused face. His eyebrows knitted together, his breath caressed my cheeks and I saved the best for last. His deep green eyes seem to hypnotise me and pull me in.

We awkwardly brushed off each other and joked about it. I take deep inhales and calmed myself.

“Ladies, hit the shower” coach yelled while barging the weak wooden door open with his broad shoulders.

“I’m getting one of the first showers” Brett shouted in a joyful and smug voice.
In just seconds, threats were flying around, reservations about showers and light fights were happening, chaos hour. All drenched in sweat, we wanted to feel fresh, fast. After relaxing my body and mind with a hot steamy shower, I gracefully walked down the halls to the crowded cafeteria.

After filling my tray with a sweet, juicy burger and a bottle of water, I headed to the ‘jocks and cheerleaders’ table. I hesitantly sat next to Sienna and across from Jag and Brett, who are my closest mates.

“Hey babe” Sienna said in a high pitched, annoying voice. Sienna is your typical blonde haired, blue eyed, intellectually numb cheerleader. She just loves the sound of her own voice. On the other hand, I have dark brown hair and blue eyes. People say we’re perfect together, but we have as much in common as chalk and cheese.

“Hey Si” I respond in an attempted voice of happiness. Others around me are too absorbed with themselves that they do not catch the hostile and bored tone underneath, not even Sienna, who now is admiring a reflection of herself in a small mirror. But Jag does, with his eyebrows raised he looks at me curiously with a hint of surprise in his eyes.

I scanned the cafeteria, just to avoid eye contact with him. I felt the skin of my cheeks burning because at the corner of my eye I saw him staring and felt the intensity of it. I forced my head back around to the table and pretended the whole ‘I’m just chilling’ facade.

“Hey Wolfe you’re blushing, see a lady you like?” Brett said with self satisfied tone and a smirk on his face. Well that got Sienna’s attention because her head snapped to me, and her eyes... were terrifying.

“What, that’s not true is it, I mean why would you like other girls when you have me, the best?” Probably reassuring herself that I wouldn’t want someone else. I thought bitterly.

“No, you’re right I wouldn’t like other girls” I added with a fake tone of lovey dovey crap, her shallowness is just downright annoying now.

“So, I was totally thinking on the weekend and I think we should head downtown to the mall tomorrow and get our photos for the Prom Queen and King campaign.” Sienna suggested.

“Sorry I have to study for the calculus test, I can’t fail this, it’s the major one.” I replied with a regretful tone.

“Like you totally care about your studies more than me, you even said you wouldn’t go shopping with me!” Sienna glowered.

Yeah because all you do is go buy makeup, make me hold all your 50 bags of clothes, make me pay for lunch, and while we’re shopping you’re on the phone gossiping about other people. I thought with hatred, but I had already passed the stage where I was sad about her only using me to get more popular.

“Yeah because remember what happened last time?” I added with heavy anger. I glared at her for a few seconds, making a point. She flinched surprised by my sudden change of power, when she was so used to stamping all over me.

My mind wandered back to the terrible events that occurred when she dragged me to the mall last time. We were doing our Christmas shopping the day before, the snow was lightly falling and the stars were shining brightly, it was a spectacular view. We were sitting down after all our presents were covered, and were resting our legs after a day of picking and buying. I was waiting for the opportunity to tell her something corny, like her eyes were beautiful or something, but she was on her phone the whole time, I caught bits of it.

“Yeah did you hear she like totally dumped him, like seriously he’s so hot!” Sienna gushed.
After the person on the phone had spoken, she rushed to tell the person what happened, why they broke up and etc…
My shoulders slumped in disappointment; I really thought that we could have had a decent conversation at least for once. My mouth was dry and my stomach growled, leaving Sienna I went to the Taco Bell food store and ordered a Chicken fiesta taco salad.

To be continued when I finish which will be soon :L

Hi
I should be doing math so I'll just talk about the plot!
Bad:
Erm, your characters are generic. The popular quarterback with the gorgeous cheerleader kind of thing is really cliched (and I was previously guilty of that xD). Even the supporting cast seem very... *looks at your avatar* Glee-esque.
Depending on the reader, it could be likeable by others, but just not me. To me, your characters become rather one-dimensional as a result, even though I see where Asher is progressing, there's still that 'popular jock = must be cool cannot be uncool' kind of simplicity, whereas what you seem to have in store for him, requires a more complex character to carry off well. Do I make sense? xD
Good:
While the title gives the impression of another generic story line, bam!, I see where you're going, and I like it.
You can actually use the 'generic' characters you have, just tone down the intensity of their cliched-ness and you'll have space to weave an intricate web that explores the social hierarchies and expectations of adolescents. As well as the pursuit to understand oneself and mature through one's experience.

Math now summons me, so I shall bid you adieu!
Feel free to PM me or anything if you've questions or comments. I hope I wasn't too harsh or anything >_<
~Meep(:

First I am going to compliment your writing skills, because you are a great writer. Raw..but I see the greatness in it.

However; I read this and I felt like I have read it before, and seen it in a bout a hundred other movies. It's a plot that has been used time and time again.

Asher Wolfe. That’s me. Quarterback of the football team, my girlfriend, Sienna, typically the head cheerleader, determined to get titled Prom Queen and King together, predicted to get married and have kids. Well, that’s not how this story will go, because this isn’t a fairytale story and I’ll never get my happily ever after. The reason is because I ‘m in love with someone else that will never, without a doubt, love me back. I might be fighting the laws of nature by admiring this person, but we can’t change the way we feel.

I read the first paragraph and I groaned, because I knew exactly where you were going with it. Popular guy + popular girlfriend + other person that popular guy is really in love with = done before.

Although I didn't see it coming when it was revealed that he actually was in love with another guy. That is what gave me hope. That you are at least trying to be different. Also:

The reason is because I ‘m in love with someone else that will never, without a doubt, love me back

I don't like how you started out the sentece with "The reason is..." That's like ending an easy with "In conclusion..."
Don't state the obvious.

I loved your use of imagery and your sentence stucture though. This could be a great! just work on it a little more.

I really hope this helps
Happy Writing!

Hey summerlove! What a great story you have going there. I would just like to change a couple things.

“Jagger, you’re formally on right guard and Brett you’re left,” I said in an oddly formal tone to remind them of my authority here as quarterback.

There should be a comma there. Only use periods when there's no he said, I said, she said etc.

“Yeah, boys we’re going to smash them this season,” Jag hollered, that was then followed by shouts and some of them started singing the team chant.

There was no punctuation there, but there should've been a comma.

“Yeah with Jag on guard, I might as well have a girl defending me,” I said in a light voice despite all the feelings and thoughts inside.

“Ladies, hit the shower,” coach yelled while barging the weak wooden door open with his broad shoulders.

“I’m getting one of the first showers,” Brett shouted in a joyful and smug voice.

“Hey babe,” Sienna said in an annoying, high-pitched voice.

I thought 'annoying, high-pitched' sounded better.

“Hey Si,” I responded in an attempted voice of happiness.

“No, you’re right I wouldn’t like other girls,” I added with a fake tone of lovey dovey crap, her shallowness is just downright annoying now.

“So, I was totally thinking on the weekend and I think we should head downtown to the mall tomorrow and get our photos for the Prom Queen and King campaign,” Sienna suggested.

You put a period after campaign, but a comma was supposed to go there instead.

“Sorry I have to study for the calculus test, I can’t fail this, it’s the major one,” I replied with a regretful tone.

Same problem.

Overall it was very well written. Just a few punctuation errors here and there. Great job and I'll be looking forward to reading more of your writing!

Hi there! Pigeon here to review!

Firstly I want to say: I really like this, and I think it has a lot of potential. Because of that, I'm going to be pretty harsh, because I want to help you to improve and I think you're capable of taking some critical advice. Okay, here goes.

Asher Wolfe. That’s me. Quarterback of the football team, my girlfriend, Sienna, typically the head cheerleader, determined to get titled Prom Queen and King together, predicted to get married and have kids. Well, that’s not how this story will go, because this isn’t a fairytale story and I’ll never get my happily ever after. The reason is because I'm in love with someone else that will never, without a doubt, love me back. I might be fighting the laws of nature by admiring this person, but we can’t change the way we feel.

This is what's called an info-dump. Personally, I think this is pretty much never a good technique, except maybe in a sci-fi where the reader won't otherwise understand the premise. You give away a lot of what's going to happen, and it is a bit patronising, like you don't think the reader can work it out for themselves. I would get rid of this whole paragraph. There is nothing in it which we can't wait to find out later, and the next paragraph is a stronger beginning.

I forced the muscles around my lip to stretch and formed a tight lipped smile, when inside I’m freaked out. Just looking at him and making eye contact made me so nervous inside, I’m just afraid I’ll make a fool of myself.

“Yeah with Jag on guard, I might as well have a girl defending me” I said in a light voice despite all the feelings and thoughts inside.

Jag gave a crooked smile and playfully shoulder charged me against the red lockers. My heart hammered in my chest, from being this close and my breath came out short and fast. It doesn’t help that he hasn’t moved, his body still up against mine and Jag wore a confused face. His eyebrows knitted together, his breath caressed my cheeks and I saved the best for last. His deep green eyes seem to hypnotise me and pull me in.

Your initial info-dump painted a picture of a character who is very insecure, but here he seems to be very sure of his feelings, and almost comfortable with them. And yet, he has a girlfriend, so he is clearly in denial about his sexuality. What I'm trying to say is, denial is not purely external. You don't just deny it to everyone else - you deny it to yourself. I would like to see Asher trying to ignore his thoughts and feelings, or to rationalise them as something else. Currently he is a little too aware of what is going on, when in reality I think he would be trying to ignore it and push it to the back of his mind.

We awkwardly brushed off each other and joked about it. I take deep inhales and calmed myself.

This doesn't make sense. It either needs to be 'I took deep breaths' or 'I inhaled deeply'.

“Hey babe” Sienna said in a high pitched, annoying voice. Sienna is your typical blonde haired, blue eyed, intellectually numb cheerleader. She just loves the sound of her own voice.

Try to show, rather than telling. Sienna is very clichéd, which you may want to change, but you could get away with it if you introduced her in a way which sounded less clichéd. Rather than pointing out that she is a "typical blonde haired, blue eyed, intellectually numb cheerleader", think of things which will show it without stopping the story for another info-dump. Think of something to show that she has blonde hair (like combing it, or some other action you can describe), something to show she has blue eyes (even just a sentence like 'her blue eyes locked onto me/watched me/examined me etc.'), something to show that she is intellectually numb (have her say or do something stupid), and even something to show she is a cheerleader (and we already know because she is sitting at the 'jocks and cheerleaders table').

“Hey Si” I responded in an attempted voice of happiness. Others around me were too absorbed with themselves to catch the hostile and bored tone underneath, not even Sienna, who was admiring a reflection of herself in a small mirror. But Jag did, with his eyebrows raised he looked at me curiously with a hint of surprise in his eyes.

You suddenly changed from past tense to present tense, but just for this paragraph! The corrections are in red.

Also, Sienna is really annoying, which is the whole point, I know, but Asher must be pretty desperate to pass as heterosexual if he's willing to date her. Is he also trying to convince himself that he's straight? Or to 'change' himself? I would like to see him trying to be interested in her. Maybe a friend could say how hot she is, and he could try really hard to see it, but it just does nothing for him? Another thing is that I think you might want to make her a bit less shallow. The reason is this: tension. Tension is what makes a story interesting. At the moment Asher has his worthless girlfriend, and the guy he has a crush on. The reader is of course going to want him to loose the girl and get the guy. But, if you gave her character a bit more depth, and maybe had her desperately trying to keep the relationship together, not understanding why Asher isn't interested, then there is a lot more tension. The reader may still want Asher to get the guy, but then we also feel sorry for Sienna, we don't know what the best ending is - and there's tension. To my mind it would be more interesting if I could empathise with all the characters, and none of them were two-dimensional.


You have heaps of awesome stuff here! It just needs a bit of refining.
Thanks for a great read!
I hope you find this review helpful!

- pigeon

Woo! This is off to a good start! There were a few errors that I caught - quotation marks missing at the end of a quote, a few present-tense verbs mixed into a sentence, and some punctuation missing -but other wise, all was good, and I liked the plot thus far. I also suggest that you italicize the M.C's thoughts, but that's it. Can't wait for more!
TSM