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You use 'small' twice very close together, and then 'fingers'. It makes it sound a bit repetitive.The little girl's dress trailed in the puddle of oil and blood, getting even dirtier when she squatted to pick out a small object.
A small, plastic toy gun, like the type an action figure would carry. It slipped between her fingers, shiny with the foul mixture of liquid.
Her grubby fingers closed around it as she cast a look at the boy whose head --
This phrase confused me. Is the head half submerged in a puddle? Or in the middle of the puddle? If you could clarify it I think it would be better.the boy whose head -- or what was left of it -- was lying halfway in the puddle.
'always did double-takes' makes it sound like they do that all the time, when I think what you mean is that each one did a double-take as the girl passed them.He led her along, further and further into the army, past more and more grizzled men that always did double-takes, straight to their leader.
Her grubby fingers closed around it as she cast a look at the boy whose head -- or what was left of it -- was lying halfway in the puddle.
Shuffling her bare feet, she continued down the pavement, blind to the craters in once immaculate lawns, to the bullet holes in the sides of the suburban houses, to the rubble composed of everything broken.
And, of course, to the various bodies littered like fallen branches in a forest.
past more and more grizzled men that always did double-takes
How different from them she was...
getting even dirtier when she squatted
with the foul mixture of liquid.
whose head -- or what was left of it -- was lying halfway in the puddle
she didn't hate them as she should. Weren't they supposed to hate each other naturally? Shouldn't she know that she hated them, and they hated her,
the loud bang of the gun.
It wasn't enough to stop them from immediately going back to their dinner.
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