Free write (aka... Dusky's rant in story form)

Removed by the author for purposes of publication.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

gods, dusky. I'm going to come back in the morning and attempt a review. at this time of night, you blew me away completely. and just a rant? jeesh, I kinda hate to say it, but you should rant more often. you never cease to amaze me. also, anything you want me to look at here, just for writing improvement puproses? if so, i'll be more than glad to help, ok? keep up the good work (no matter what the work is).

Read all of it.

Her eyes flicked down too stare at the pavement beneath her feet.

Not "too" but "to."

Also... when I first read it, I thought Charlie was a girl. You focused too much on his feelings and not enough about what was happening. Anyway, he seems too passive, so I think you might want to make him just seem a little agressive.

Nice rant though.

It was rather a nice rant...

But yeah. I thought the whole exchange between Charlie and his friends was far too low key- especially on the subject of girls. Could just be the guys I hang out with, but it would never, ever be like that. And pick a more creative/colorful description other than 'hot'. Or as you misspelled it, 'hott'.

I really liked the character of Gwennan- she's sort of uncoventionally beautiful, in body and in mind. Her rant was totally awesome (don't we all feel like that sometimes? Argh!).

I do think you need to add in a bit more description of setting, though. I couldn't figure out until the end where they were...which is sort of a problem, of sorts. You focus too much on the dialogue than the rest of the story, which makes it seem really unbalanced.

Other than that...very nice, Dusky!

Thanks for the comments guys.

Sam wrote:It was rather a nice rant...

*blinks* thank you... *wonders if the phrase "nice rant" really is an oxymoron or whether it just seems that way to her*

Meshugenah wrote:and just a rant? jeesh, I kinda hate to say it, but you should rant more often.

If all that happened when I ranted was something like this, then I would be agreeing with you right now... unfortunetly, I also ended up staying up until 4 in the morning working on this, too upset to sleep. This got alot of junk out of my system, thank heaven.

Meshugenah wrote:also, anything you want me to look at here, just for writing improvement puproses?

Um... just description and flow, I guess. Those are the things I've been working on most lately.

Snoink wrote:Also... when I first read it, I thought Charlie was a girl. You focused too much on his feelings and not enough about what was happening. Anyway, he seems too passive, so I think you might want to make him just seem a little agressive.

Yeah... I can see that. And I can see places where Charlie should definately be more agressive. I'll go back and work on that. But hey, it's my first time ever trying to write something from a guy's point of view, so I'm thinking it was just good that I tried it! *is semi-proud of herself*

Sam wrote:But yeah. I thought the whole exchange between Charlie and his friends was far too low key- especially on the subject of girls. Could just be the guys I hang out with, but it would never, ever be like that. And pick a more creative/colorful description other than 'hot'. Or as you misspelled it, 'hott'.

*looks shocked* misspelled?! lol. I forget that only me an' my friends spell it that way.

And I also forgot that the way guys talk about girls in front of girls is different than what they say alone. I'll try to pump this up a little bit more.

Sam wrote:I really liked the character of Gwennan- she's sort of uncoventionally beautiful, in body and in mind. Her rant was totally awesome (don't we all feel like that sometimes? Argh!).

Thanks. The name Gwennan just demanded that it have an awesome character attatched (at least in my mind anyways). I've been saving the name up for years.

Sam wrote:I do think you need to add in a bit more description of setting, though. I couldn't figure out until the end where they were...which is sort of a problem, of sorts. You focus too much on the dialogue than the rest of the story, which makes it seem really unbalanced.

*rereads story* arg... you're right... *goes to work in some description*

You're not the only one's who spell hot with two t's... I remember a friend of mine going on a rant about it once... lol

This is really amazing. You're powers of description and the phrases you turn out are amazing. My fav is "no, you have to wake up to live life, and you have to live life to change it." I knew the setting, but then, I kinda figured out where this was going really quick... probably because I'm your sis... I'll try to be more objective in future when I read your stuff...

Description and flow, eh? Glad to! but, this is still me, so I'll have other comments, too. and "hott".. eh, why not? if it's written froma guys POV.. it kinda makes sense (yes, I can say this, as several of the guys I know do spell it that way.. often with even more "ts". but I digress).

My biggest gripe here is that Gwennen seemed too.. good to be true. But, it makes sense, if Charlie likes her so much, so.. maybe tone it down a bit.. don't tell us quite so much... show a bit more. take this passage..

If you asked the people around her, they couldn’t tell you just how she was different; she simply was. She didn’t talk the same way, didn’t act the same way. There were certain lines that she wouldn’t cross, certain lines she wouldn’t go anywhere near and certain lines she bounded over when no one else would touch them with a ten-foot pole.

and expand a few bits. if she doesn't talk the same way.. emphasis that when she speaks.

here:

Others called her “The Storm Queen” because she seemed to start an uproar wherever she went. It wasn’t that she was looking to cause problems, though I knew people thought that she was, she just seemed to challenge the way that people thought. Things were never the same after she’d come through, but very few people could figure out whether the change was good or not.

how does he know all this? unusually observant? Uproars are noticable, but how does he know she doesn't want to cause problems? maybe showing something about this part of her personality..

But I just called her “Gwennan”. I looked forward to seeing her in Drama and English and prayed that one day she’d start one of her infamous storms in my life.

ack. seems a bit.. cheesy to me. point taken, but maybe find another way to say it?

Then Gwennan came out. I froze. Something was definitely wrong. She wasn’t smiling and her jaw was clenched. That fire that I’d seen earlier was raging full-force now and she looked like she was trying to disappear in a burst of flames. For a moment it looked like she would succeed.

how close are they sitting to the stage? If it's far enough back to be talking and not getting yelled at by a lot of people, how woule he be able to see her facial expressions? Even sitting in a make-shift pit right in front of the stage, it's hard to see details like jaws clenched.. not smiling I can see, though. arg, pun not intended. maybe body language would make more sense?

following dialogue between Rick and Jason sounds a bit forced after reading it a few times. but I love the "I'm the single one, remember?" part. that was hilarious.

I hesitated, simply looking at her. The moonlight played along her face, sparkling in her brown eyes and making her skin an even paler shade than usual. The light reflected in her long dark hair as it curled gently around her bare neck and shoulders. The mood shimmered in the fabric of her dress as it hugged her small frame, displaying graceful curves and a narrow waist. Everything about her seemed to have been transformed and I couldn’t remember ever having seen her more beautiful.

um.. I think it's a bit much on the description, here... well, the loaded adjectives, anyway. I'm hesiant to pick too much, though, as you write description so sparsely as it is.. so maybe play with it some? the essence is fine, just over-sold. Dialogue between him and Gwen is good.

“Maybe she does need our help,” I insisted, doing my best to ignore his last jab. “And maybe we need hers. Maybe she knows something we dong. Maybe she’s seeing something we’re not. Maybe—”

mean "don't"?

Ok, I'm done nit-picking. Now.. I didn't really get any flow stuff, did I? wait, yes, I did. well, sort of. There are places where the dialogue and despcription don't run together as well as they could... mostly the more lengthy passages; the two parts seem a bit disjointed.. like you realised no one had said anything in a while, and you wanted to hurry it along. anyhoo, it wasn't a huge deal to me, so Dusky, I'll say it again. A job well done.

btw.. "'You’re right. She might fit in with Martians.' " that was killer. good point to show what others feel about Gwen.

Dusky i am seriously going to bottle your talent soon, your an amazingly talented writer! Honestly, right up there with all my favorite published people This is so cool and like always all my little nit picks have been mentioned by other people so all i have left to say is how wonderful your rant is!

Mesh - thanks for the critique. I'm gonna try to get around to editing this this weekend.

Shadow - lol. Bottle talent? I'm not sure I like the sound of that... this won't be painful will it?

Wow... I really liked this. I thought you could have ended more strongly, with more of a resonant note, but other than that... *two thumbs up* *and pinky toe up too*

I think one of my favourite things about this was how many things really rang true. You usually like performances when they're people you don't know. Otherwise, little things they say and do seem unrealistic just because you know them personally and know something of their personality and little idiosyncrasies. I agree that Charlie (Merciful heavens, I love that name...) is a bit too feminine, but I think you can fix that. Try to make more of a distinction between the male and female dialogue. Like if a girl would say, "That sounds great!" a guy would probably say, "Yeah. Sounds cool." or something like that. A little sterotypical, I know, but in a piece this short we don't get a whole lot of opportunity to get acquainted with the characters, so I think you have to lean on those type of sterotypes at least a little bit (girls more enthusiastic (especially cheerleaders) and much where talkative, whereas guys have to "play it cool" and usually say less because of it).

I caught a couple of typos:

The auditorium was packed, every person staring rapt at the shifting emotions on stage. Should be 'raptly' or 'staring with rapt attention' or 'staring, enraptured,' or something like that.

The principle was just behind them, waiting to lock up.

Wrong principle, lol. Should be "principal."

“Did Rick send you with the details for out date Saturday?” Gwennan glared at me fiercely, pure intensity flooding her eyes.

Should be "our" instead of "out."

But that's all I really caught. Though I think I agree with Snoink about the description. Little things, like how they nearly trample some little freshman leaving their seats or something like that would really help create more of an image of what's going on around them.

But I think my favourite part:

She took a step back, shaking her head slightly. “What part of ‘I’m sick of it’ don’t you get? I’m sick of the people, of the mindsets. I’m sick of everyone trying to grab what they can now instead of building for the future! I’m sick of everyone trying to blame all their problems on the rest of the world instead of admitting that maybe they had something to do with it. They’re always saying that they didn’t do anything. Well, if that’s really true, than maybe that’s the problem.”

SO. TRUE.

I have a friend that I love to death, but she wastes all her study hall times, doesn't get her homework done that night, and then comes to school the next day griping that she has too much going on to get it done, and how the teachers aren't teaching right, or the material is too confusing or her mom wouldn't leave her alone to study, etc. etc. But, of course, it's never HER fault that she's lazy and procrastinates.

I love that rant. It's a fantastic rant. The most beautiful rant I've ever seen in all my life.

Lovely piece.

As a rant, this was perfect. As a story, however, I felt that this was... lacking, somehow.

Charlie and Gwennan, from your description, sound like they're from two completely different worlds--how is it that they converse so easily? I would expect more resistance from her, and more begging (kinda) from him. I did like her rant, but why is it that she opens up to him so easily?

At the same time, though, I felt like she was kind of holding back. If Gwennan is going to completely break the dams and let loose with this rant (to someone who seems to be a complete stranger to her, nonetheless), I would at least like to hear her situation. What was causing her to say these things, to feel this angry? I was sad when she walked away because her words had such power behind them, but at the same time, I had no idea what she was talking about!

Okay, I'm making no sense.

Anyway, nicely written, especially for a first copy. Gah, I'm so jealous of your talent, Dusky.

Thanks for the comments, Shriek, although I have to admit, I laughed when I was reading your post because you answered alot of your own questions. You asked how they conversed so easily when they seemed to be from completely different worlds and then you said that it felt like she was holding back. She was.

She never made any mention of anything personal to her. She was simply ranting. There was absolutely nothing in what she said that made her more vulnerable to Charlie in any way. Gwennan was modeled after me, and in all honesty, I would have no problem shouting any of the things that Gwennan said at the top of my lungs to any random stranger that I met on the street.

So, basically, Gwennan never opened up to Charlie at all, if that makes any sense.

Areida07 wrote:Wow... I really liked this. I thought you could have ended more strongly, with more of a resonant note, but other than that... *two thumbs up* *and pinky toe up too*

lol. That's one I haven't heard before.

Areida07 wrote:I caught a couple of typos:

The auditorium was packed, every person staring rapt at the shifting emotions on stage. Should be 'raptly' or 'staring with rapt attention' or 'staring, enraptured,' or something like that.

The principle was just behind them, waiting to lock up.

Wrong principle, lol. Should be "principal."

“Did Rick send you with the details for out date Saturday?” Gwennan glared at me fiercely, pure intensity flooding her eyes.

Should be "our" instead of "out."

Thanks. I'll fix those as soon as possible. *mumurs something about it not being a piece written by Dusky without the proper (extremely large) number of typos* *laughs*

Areida07 wrote:(Merciful heavens, I love that name...)

*smiles* me too...

Thanks for all the comments, Ari.

Yeah, sorry. My comment was kind of all over the place--and your reasoning makes sense. That's what I get for attempting to review a story at 2 am!

Still, I wish I has more insight into Gwennan's character--her background and such. Is it just me, or is there something about this story that just screams sequel (or novel)?

Nope, I feel it too. It seemed incomplete, but not in a bad way. It seems like you could make this into a series of short stories or even a (dare I say it?) novel. You have a cool cast here that you could easily expand, develop their personalities more fully, mix in some subplots and you'd be good to go.

Speaking of novels, I know I haven't started reading the Bearer and sending you my comments yet, but I promise it's on my to-do list... I'll get there eventually.

I do have this strange urge to continue this (especially since you guys have now put this "novel" idea in my head). I have fallen in love with Charlie and Gwennan's characters and in all honesty, Amy, Maria, Jason and Rick have got me really curious to see what I could do with them.

But I have several stoppers (i.e. this would have to take place in a public school setting, something I'm not at all familar with, this is from a guy's POV, something I've never done before, it's realistic fiction, not fantasy, and there's a foriegn exchange student which would mean I would have to go reasearch Italy and it's culture, something I'm not used to doing) that would either a) give me a challange and keep me interested in the story, or b) make me struggle with each page and frustrate me to the point that I'd drop it. I have no idea which at this point.

*has a sudden idea* oh, dang... I think I may have just found an idea that would make me REALLY want to write more... dang it... *wanders off to do some thinking*