"everyone that are so obsessed with climbing them!"
It should be "Everyone that IS so obsessed..." or "Everyone WHO IS..."
I wasn't impressed with the beginning, though I give you props for keeping me reading. I was surprised they were watching a play. What play were they watching? It seemed more like a beauty pageant, because even though Charlie didn't really care about the girls up there, that was still the focus of it.
The middle part, where it's just Charlie and Gwennan (I like it!) are standing alone and they talk about heroes and gods. It has a completely different feel than the rest of the story. It's a little romantic, but not saturated with sexual tension, like there's a sort of comfortableness they have with each other. A+
"The moonlight played along her face, sparkling in her brown eyes and making her skin an even paler shade than usual. The light reflected in her long dark hair as it curled gently around her bare neck and shoulders. The mood shimmered in the fabric of her dress as it hugged her small frame, displaying graceful curves and a narrow waist. Everything about her seemed to have been transformed and I couldn’t remember ever having seen her more beautiful. "
This part seems a little forced to me. I guess I'm just not crazy about stopping and describing a character. I think it would sound better if you mingled it with some verbs...actions...movement...emotions...anything.
"This was the kind of scene that you saw on movie posters for chick flicks. And yet, while the girl of my dreams was standing right in front of me, she wasn’t waiting to be kissed. She was demanding to know why the heck I was still standing there. "
I love this.
Well...good job. Your work is generally good.
-Sarah
