z

Young Writers Society


Random Story Theme Contest Entry



User avatar
81 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 1503
Reviews: 81
Thu Jun 30, 2011 1:33 pm
Pigeon says...



“You get used to it.” She says, in answer to the question you haven't asked. “The smell; you get used to it.” She gestures with her viola bow towards the rippling mass of muck sliding stodgily past. You cover your mouth with a sleeve, trying to protect yourself from that stench; a smell with so much character that it has its own personality. You're afraid that she might be right; that you will get used to it.

Walking along underneath the street, afraid to touch the walls and unable to see more than a few metres in any direction, you regret the simple question which brought you there. One simple question to the intriguingly delicate girl sitting under the streetlight, softly bowing the strings of her viola. Eyes closed, not even playing a song; simply lost in her own world. A world created by the notes resonating from the instrument.

It's late. Have you got far to go? Let me walk with you.

Turning back now would be the smart option, and yet, you can't quite manage it. You fix your eyes on the viola, held limply in her left hand, dangling precariously at her side, and you want to know. You need to know where the girl you see busking on the same street-corner every day goes at night.

Her silent steps stop suddenly and you bump clumsily into her. She turns to you and smiles, her face washed in white light, or perhaps the light emanates from her. There is light inside her eyes; eyes that look through you, over you, and up.

“There.” She waves her bow towards a piece of sky floating above you: A pot-hole that's been left open. “The stars are always there.” Her face brightens with wonder. “Sometimes the moon is too. Not tonight though. Tonight it will be further along. A full moon – round like a dinner plate.”

She's so full of the light of another world, her mind in a place you cannot even image, however much you wish to. The intensity of your desire to follow her thoughts, and to see what she sees, twists and writhes in your head, finally expressing itself in this simple thought: Is she quite right in the head? It is such a defensive, unoriginal thought. You feel somewhat ashamed of it and you're glad she hasn't heard – though the hurt you see flit across her face when she catches your eye makes you wonder if perhaps she did hear, though you never spoke it aloud.

Perhaps when you've heard something whispered about you often enough – Is she all there, do you think? Can she be quite all right? - you don't need to hear it to know that it’s been said, or thought, or even felt.

She turns back to the narrow strip of concrete which runs along the side of the sewer. “It's not much further.”

Her footsteps are light, but they echo. Or perhaps that is the sound of your clumsy feet as you follow her, staring straight ahead and trying not to wonder what it is that's making your feet slide on the slippery surface. And all the while that smell surrounds you and weaves its way, tendril-like, into your clothing, your hair; clinging with nauseating determination. It coats the inside of your mouth, sticking thickly to your tongue.

She's wrong. I could never get used to this.

Ahead of you a shaft of luminescent white light glows, falling from somewhere far above and cutting through the hazy gloom. You squint at it's brilliance and blink uncomfortably, then are startled by a sudden noise, sounding overly-loud in the stagnated silence: She has stopped walking and something like laughter has escaped her lips. Abruptly, she runs. There is an odd grace in her movements as she cradles the viola to her chest and glides down the narrow path, sliding to a stop in the beam of light. You follow tentatively until you can see the origin of the light: another pot-hole, or some manner of hole in the road. It's hard to see against the glare of the full moon, shining through. She stands at the base of the column of light, face raised to the white disk in the sky and fixed in an expression of unearthly bliss. With a slow, dream-like movement she raises the viola to her chin and draws her bow across it, sending a single, eerie note echoing down the endless tunnel.

She plays.

And as your heart swells and soars and breaks to the music you manage only one, unworthy, cynical thought: Baying to the full moon. She really is crazy.

She closes her eyes and plays on; lost to the world in which she has no place; unaware of you, from whom she senses nothing good or true or kind.

She plays on and on and on.

You turn and walk back the way you came, barely remembering how to return – almost losing yourself once or twice. The music follows you all the way, reverberating off the walls, filling the tunnel with unbearable sweetness.

At last you escape the sound, and the smell. You find your way back home, back to your life, your world. The routine and all its mundane safety. You climb into the shower and you scrub and scrub until the stench is gone. It is cleansed from your pores, as though it never happened. Just as though none of it had ever happened.

You close your eyes, and you try to forget, but you know that you cannot. You are painfully aware that you will still pass her on the same street-corner every day, and though you want it to be the same, she will be different to you. And you know that you will never again meet her eyes as you drop your spare change at her feet, along with the pity she neither wants nor needs.

Spoiler! :
My theme from the generator was: Your story is about a musician in a sewer pointing at random bits of sky.
Word count: 1000
Last edited by Pigeon on Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Reader, what are you doing?

  





User avatar
28 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1958
Reviews: 28
Thu Jun 30, 2011 2:53 pm
View Likes
germsieGal says...



Looks like I will be your reviewer!! :D

I like your writing voice, though I found it confusing at first but I got used to it.

Few little errors, they will be in red and comments will be in blue. Remember that you don't have to do everything I tell you to, there just sugestions.
Pigeon3 wrote:“You get used to it.” She says, in answer to the question you haven't asked. “The smell; you get used to it.” She gestures with her viola bow towards the rippling mass of muck sliding stodgily past. You cover your mouth with a sleeve, trying to protect yourself from that stench What I would do here is just make it a new sentence. a smell with so much character that it has its own personality. You're afraid that she might be right; that you will get used to it.

Walking along You don't really need that word. underneath the street, afraid to touch the walls and unable to see more than a few metres in any direction, you regret the simple question which brought you there. One simple question to the intriguingly delicate girl sitting under the streetlight, softly bowing the strings of her viola. Eyes closed, not even playing a song; simply lost in her own world. A world created by the notes resonating from the instrument.

It's late. Have you got far to go? Let me walk with you.

Turning back now would be the smart option, and yet, you can't quite manage it. You fix your eyes on the viola, held limply in her left hand dangling precariously at her side Is there something better you could use instead of a -? and you want to know. You need to know where the girl you see busking on the same street-corner every day goes at night.

Her silent steps stop suddenly and you bump clumsily into her. She turns to you and smiles, her face washed in white light, or perhaps the light emanates from her. There is light inside her eyes; eyes that look through you, over you, and up.

Start a new papragraph everytime someone starts to talk“There.” She waves her bow towards a piece of sky floating above you: A pot-hole that's been left open. “The stars are always there.” Her face brightens with wonder. “Sometimes the moon is too. Not tonight though. Tonight it will be further along. A full moon – round like a dinner plate.”

She's so full of the light of another world, her mind in a place you cannot even image, however much you wish to. The intensity of your desire to follow her thoughts, and to see what she sees, twists and writhes in your head, finally expressing itself in this simple thought: Is she quite right in the head? It is such a defensive, unoriginal thought. You feel somewhat ashamed of it and you're glad she hasn't heard – though the hurt you see flit across her face when she catches your eye makes you wonder if perhaps she did hear, though you never spoke it aloud.

Perhaps when you've heard something whispered about you often enough Is she all there, do you think? Can she be quite all right? - you don't need to hear it to know that it’s been said, or though, or even felt.

She turns back to the narrow strip of concrete which runs along the side of the sewer. “It's not much further.”

Her footsteps are light, but they echo. Or perhaps that is the sound of your clumsy feet as you follow her, staring straight ahead and trying not to wonder what it is that's making your feet slide on the slippery surface. And all the while that smell surrounds you and weaves its way, tendril-like, into your clothing, your hair; clinging with nauseating determination. It coats the inside of your mouth, sticking thickly to your tongue.

She's wrong. I could never get used to this.

Ahead of you a shaft of luminescent white light glows, falling from somewhere far above and cutting through the hazy gloom. You squint at it's brilliance and blink uncomfortably, then are startled by a sudden noise, sounding overly-loud in the stagnated silence: She has stopped walking and something like laughter has escaped her lips. Abruptly, she runs. There is an odd grace in her movements as she cradles the viola to her chest and glides down the narrow path, sliding to a stop in the beam of light. You follow tentatively until you can see the origin of the light: another pot-hole, or some manner of hole in the road. It's hard to see against the glare of the full moon, shining through. She stands at the base of the column of light, face raised to the white disk in the sky and fixed in an expression of unearthly bliss. With a slow, dream-like movement she raises the viola to her chin and draws her bow across it, sending a single, eerie note echoing down the endless tunnel.

She plays.

And as your heart swells and soars and breaks to the music you manage only one, unworthy, cynical thought: Baying to the full moon. She really is crazy.

She closes her eyes and plays on; lost to the world in which she has no place; unaware of you, from whom she senses nothing good or true or kind.

She plays on and on and on.

You turn and walk back the way you came, barely remembering how to return – almost losing yourself once or twice. The music follows you all the way, reverberating off the walls, filling the tunnel with unbearable sweetness.

At last you escape the sound, and the smell. You find your way back home, back to your life, your world. The routine and all its mundane safety. You climb into the shower and you scrub and scrub until the stench is gone. It is cleansed from your pores, as though it never happened. Just as though none of it had ever happened.

You close your eyes, and you try to forget, but you know that you cannot. You are painfully aware that you will still pass her on the same street-corner every day, and though you want it to be the same, she will be different to you. And you know that you will never again meet her eyes as you drop your spare change at her feet, along with the pity she neither wants nor needs.

Spoiler! :
My theme from the generator was: Your story is about a musician in a sewer pointing at random bits of sky.
Word count: 1000

Okay so overall it was pretty good! Just read over your story to double check!
Keep on writing!!
-germsieGal
The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
  





User avatar
547 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 49345
Reviews: 547
Sun Jul 24, 2011 6:14 am
captain.classy says...



Hi there

Woah, I'm very impressed with the entries for this recent short story generator contest. A lot of them have been very inventive, and though the topics are silly, the stories have come out amazing! Yours if, of course, no exception, or I wouldn't be saying this. I think there are a few things you need to work on though, and I'm going to point them out for you in my little review here!

One of the main things is that you caught my attention, but you didn't really keep it. I don't really know if this is how all people who read this will feel about it, but that's how I feel. And when you write a story, you definitely want to appeal to all audiences, or as much as you can. So my opinion is going to help, I hope. xD

I think that the problem with this is that it's too long for a story with this limited plot. Boy sees girl, boy is intrigued by girl's mystery, boy follows girl, boy leaves. Whatever. Unoriginal. But then you have this weird crazy girl stuff that makes it so much more interesting. So you wanna know what the catch is to your story? The crazy girl. This is why you should focus on it, rather than the unoriginal plot you're focusing on now.

Instead of talking about him being intrigued, show her doing something crazy. We already know he's infatuated with her. That is why he's following her, after all. This is even why the story is following her! Which is why you should emphasize her, and not the normal boy who can figure out a girl is crazy. That's boring. I think you catch what I'm saying so I'm going to move on. xD

I think that you might have added too many elements to this that they all kind of get lost. I realize that the looking up to the sky is part of your prompt, and right now what you have about it, about her howling or whatever to the moon? seems like an afterthought, and doesn't really strike me as something necessary. It's something I wanted to add to the list of things to get rid of in the above paragraphs, but I didn't because I knew you needed to have it.

What you should do is mention subtly her looking up at the moon since the first time he saw her. Have her singing to it, playing to it, whatever. Just make it seem more relevant! Lastly, I'd like to congratulate you on writing a piece in 2nd person without sounding ridiculous. I think you did a fine job writing in this person and I look forward to reading more of your works.

Keep writing,

Classy
  





User avatar
81 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 1503
Reviews: 81
Mon Jul 25, 2011 4:08 am
Pigeon says...



Thanks for the review Classy :)
Some of that is really helpful, but I'm not sure you really understood the story? It's not about "Boy sees girl, boy is intrigued by girl's mystery, boy follows girl, boy leaves." The 'you' in the story is not some 'boy'. I purposefully use no gender pronouns so there's no reason to even assume they are male. It is quite literally 'you'; the reader, or society as a whole. The girl is not exactly crazy, just different, but the 'you' in the story calls her crazy because she is too difficult to categorise. The point of the story is that we as a society do not value the original and imaginative, preferring the safety of conformity, and as a result we miss a lot of what is beautiful in this world. You may have found the plot boring because it is not a plot driven story, but a conceptually driven one.
I'll see if there's some way I can make all this clearer in the story itself.

pigeon
Reader, what are you doing?

  





User avatar
374 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1147
Reviews: 374
Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:58 am
tgirly says...



I like the piece a lot, it has an eery, whimsical yet melancholy kind of feel to it, it kinda reminds me of Stargirl. I didn't notice any grammatical or spelling errors in it, so good job with that. I LOVE that you had her play a viola instead of just a violin, because I play the viola, so I thought that was cool. Sorry I don't have anything for you to improve on.
-tgirly
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  








We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies