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The unnamed story



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Gender: Male
Points: 890
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Sun Nov 13, 2005 7:09 pm
magusthemad says...



The unnamed story

A very special thank you to everyone who bullied me, outcasted me, and insulted me when I was young without that childhood trauma I may never have written this.


Prequel: Full Circle

“So now things have come full circle. Once I was a great man, I had money, I had power, I had everything any ambitious man could want for and now I bineded, chained, and torn by thorn. I would still be in the lap of luxury if it where not for him the piece of shit betrayed me, and destroyed everything I had worked for. I hope and pray that the fate he finds is frightful indeed, I hope he suff-”
“Would you please just shut up”?
I looked around the room that was to be my eternal torment, but saw only darkness
“I mean just listen to you, making your self sound like a big bad bastard, your pathetic”
The voice most likely came from some wicked demon sent to torment me
“Leave me demon,” I shouted into the darkness.
“Ha, like you have a choice”
“Fine then punish me for my crimes, torture me if you like” I said mockingly “just be done with it”
“Oh my dearest Malous you misunderstand I am not here to torture you, I here to free you”
MY chains shattered and I fell to the ground, and then the creature came out of the darkness.
“You seem to be doing well considering the circumstances father.”
“Ah I was beginning to wonder if I would be seeing you here”


Chapter 0: the lucky man meets death more than once

My head pounded horribly, I lay and gathered up my strength and finally I opened my eyes, the smell of salt water rifted through the air. I sat up and saw that I was at the edge of a green ocean, there was a dock with a small ferry tied to it, a man wearing a cloak and with what looked like an ore half submerged in the water, i walked over.
“Excuse me ferry man,” I said
He turned to me and raised his ore out of the water, it was not in fact an ore, it was a scythe, and I knew what was coming.
“Hey Death”
“Hey carter” Death said in only the way Death could, and he lit up a cigarette.
“So now I am dead,” I said with a sigh.
“You know what they say the lucky man meets death more than once”
“That’s total bullshit and you know it, I mean come on if death appeared to you and said “Oh don’t worry its not yet your time, you would know from that moment on that you could die at any moment”
“Now carter I know that you might be a little angry right now but just take a deep breath and relax”.
“Relax? RELAX? I’m on a boat in the river sticks and I have no way to pay my toll, why on earth should I relax?”
“That’s not necessarily true” Death said
“What do you mean?”
“Tell me a story”
“WHAT? Why?”
“Because I’ve been around since the beginning of time, I get bored. Now tell me a story or ill push you into the sticks”
“Very well MR. Death” I said a bit mockingly
“Ill tell you my story, the unnamed story, it all started in a dream”



Chapter one: the once golden city is no more

In the dream I walked in a green field with beautiful blooming flowers, the sun glistened upon my back; my entire body felt at peace, it was almost as if I was relaxing in a warm bath. And then my foot struck something, something old, and something oddly cold, a heard a crack and then a snap, as if I had stepped on a twig. I looked down at my feet and there the badly decayed body of a soldier lay in front of me. I looked up and where once a lush plain was now a worn and torn battle field, the bodies of the dead piled all around me, the some impaled, some burned, and others had just been left for the carrion eaters. As I looked upon the rotting flesh I heard a strange whistling sound, my eyes widened as I realize what the sound was, a artillery shell exploded mere feet way from me, the battle it seems was still raging, another explosion and another, so many they forced me down into a near by trench. The copses of the dead soldiers lined sitting on the sides of the trench. Artillery rounds fell from the sky like raindrops, shattering and pulsing, it shook and rocked the ground so that could hardly stand, and then all of a sudden it stopped, I began to walk down the trench and then I heard the faint sound of a guitar being played, as the music began the bodies of the dead started to sing quietly, I couldn’t make out the words but it sound so lovely and peaceful, as I if I could die without regret listening to it. The sound of the guitar grew closer and I looked to where it was coming from, there in the middle of two bodies sat a small robed creature wearing a mask, as I walked by it watched me pass by. Once I looked back on to the path of the trench a gleaming white light blinded me. Once my vision returned I saw that I was now standing in front of a crumbling palace, on the outskirts of a ruined city, there were two statues standing in front of the palace in front of it, the first was of a man clad in a roman style generals outfit, its head was missing, it looked as if someone had knocked it off, it said “Malous” on the bottom. The other wore a red priests outfit and a mask in the shape of a bird adored its face, the statue held a sword in one hand and a broken skull in the other, it said “Rasheck”. I turned and walked towards the palace and as I did all of a sudden I was standing inside what I presume was the main hall of it. I heard the sound of a man laughing to my right at the end of the hallway. I walk to the end of the hall and walked through the right side door way. There was a magnificent dinning room, a diamond chandler hung from the ceiling, and there was a solid gold table sitting in the middle of the room. The table had a feast so large on it that it could feed a small village for years; the chairs around it were filled with guests wearing very exquisite clothing. Just then a man wearing black armor with spikes and chains walked into the room and as he did so the food began to spoil and mold, maggots and worms crawled out, and all the guests decomposed, some of them still moving so of them still eating.
“Ah the once golden city of Baracs, now nothing more then rubble, ruin, and this palace. I have destroyed many villages and cities but this, this is my greatest triumph”
“Why, what do you hope to gain?” I asked
“Immortality” the man answered
“What? I am sorry but after what you’ve done I doubt that any deity is going to grant you that.”
“FOOL, immortality is not granted through some magic potion or mystic fruit, it is gained through ones legacy, one only achieves true immortality when their ambitions and determination make them refuse to be forgotten and I, I refuse to be forgotten, I will right my way into the history books in the blood of those who stand in my way. I will be known as Caltan the destroyer, Caltan the slayer, and Caltan the butc-” suddenly a voice interrupted.
“Indeed you shall be known as Caltan the rather unimaginative.” I looked to where the voice had come from; a man wearing a gray German military uniform stood holding two glasses of champagne. He walked toward the man Caltan and gave him a glass.
“Come now my deer Caltan those names have been used a thousand times before.
Here take this glass, I propose a toast, you have been with me since the beginning pillaging and destroying what ever I told you to, I am honored to have you by my side.”
“Why thank you brother” Caltan said and then chugged the champagne like it was whiskey. After the other man was sure that Caltan had drank it all he continued to speak.
“Caltan, you are a fool and a pawn and you shall always be one.”
“WHAT?” right after Caltan had said this he began to couch violently and threw up blood, as he sank to the floor the other man smiled and leaned in, just before he died Caltan mouthed the word why? The other man chuckled to himself; he closed in on Caltan’s corpse and gripped his dead head with his hand, and said.
“I’m sorry did you really believe that I was going to share power with some one as brash and pathetic as you.” After he had said this he turned to me.
“Why are you here?”
The words poured out of me as though they were not my own
“I have a message for the one known as Elecket” I said
“Ah, I see, come this way”
As I followed him I began to awaken.
  





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Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:36 pm
emotion_less says...



It was a bit confusing... Some grammatical and spelling errors. The story was rushed, too. Maybe more description would make it less confusing.

Here are your first two sentences.
So now things have come full circle. Once I was a great man, I had money, I had power, I had everything any ambitious man could want for and now I bineded, chained, and torn by thorn.
The first one is supposed to be confusing, I am guessing, but I am thinking that you mean: So now, things have come to a full circle.
The second sentence is a huge sentence that can either be chopped into many small sentences or worked into a few smoother sentences. It could be:
Once, I was a great man who had money, power, and everything any ambitious man could [ever] want. And now, I am binded, chained, and torn by thorn.
or
Once, I was a great man. I had money. I had power. I had everything any ambitious man could [ever] want. And now, I am binded, chained, and torn by thorn.
Personally, I like the second one better because it reads more effectively. I still have two problems with these sentences: One, I think 'And now' should be 'But now.' Second, what do you mean torn by thorn?

Okay, this is a bit of a grammar lesson, but...
“Leave me demon,” I shouted into the darkness.
"Leave me, demon!" I shouted into the darkness.
When someone says something, it is usually put as:
"Hey," Bob said.
"Hey!" Bob cried.
"What?" Bob asked.
If your character is stating something, there would be a comma before the quotation mark. Same thing with the exclamation point and the question. Now, some quotes are different. For example, one of your characters talking:
“Ha, like you have a choice”
The person talking is implied, so there is no 'he said' or whatever. Still, you need some sort of punctuation there. Most likely, you would put: "Ha, like you have a choice."
Note the period before the quotation mark. I say this because of another sentence you had.
“Would you please just shut up”?
"Would you please just shut up?" <- Question mark is before the end of the quote.

Your first chapter... very hard to read. The first paragraph is especially difficult. Here's a thought: break up the paragraph. Also, slow down the action a little. You don't explain and describe things long enough so that the reader can grasp the action.

Like I said before, there were some grammar and spelling errors. You should go back and fix them. Work on clarifying your story it more. It will be more enjoyable to read once you do that.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 11
Fri Nov 18, 2005 4:21 pm
magusthemad says...



the first time i wrote it it didnt have enough action, now it has to much
  








Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.
— George Orwell, 1984