Gracie the Sparrow

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1626
Reviews 745
Spoiler
A/N: A child's story I wrote for Persy and Azila earlier tonight as a "bedtime story". I figured some may like it, so have at it. As always, CC is welcome. Also, ain't Gracie the cutest?


Once upon a time there was a young sparrow by the name of Gracie. Gracie was known all around her canopy as the most graceful flyer of all the young sparrows, and seemed to have all the promise in the world. Her mommy and daddy sparrow loved her very dearly, and watched out for her safety every day.

One day, while Gracie was flying with her friends to school, Rodney the Raven called out to her from the shadows of the trees. Gracie was a bit afraid, but didn’t want to say no to Rodney since he was the most popular older bird in the canopy. Gracie flew down to Rodney and stared at him as he stretched his very large wings out.

“You called for me?” Gracie asked, and Rodney cawed very quietly in reply.
“Yes,” he said, “I called for you because you are the most graceful flyer in the canopy.” Gracie was flattered, and came closer to him.
“Would you like to go flying out by the Fox Woods later tonight?” he asked.
Gracie was nervous, but softly replied, “Yes.”

The two agreed to meet up at that same tree at sundown, and Gracie flew off to school. All through the day, Rodney was all she could think about. She was all aflutter with excitement, but her friends were nervous.
“You must be careful with Rodney,” her friend Sally cried. “I heard that he is friends with Ross the Fox, and that could be very frightful!” But Gracie was far too excited to heed her warning.

Sundown came and Gracie flew from her nest to meet up with Rodney where they had agreed, and found him with his friend Archie, an older Sparrow from her school. Gracie said hello, and Rodney just spread his wings and readied to fly.
The three took off into the murky air, but Gracie began having trouble keeping up with Rodney. She called out, asking for him to slow down or let her rest, so he swooped down to a branch below. Rodney and Archie snickered at Gracie for being such a weak flyer, but she tried her best to ignore them, thinking of how graceful she flew. Rodney became impatient and hurried her along, and they left once more.

“Where are we going?” she asked, her breath tiring.
“We are going to the Fox den to pull a prank,” he replied.
“But foxes are terrifying!” she cried.
However, Rodney would not listen.
“You can’t be so afraid that you stop living,” Rodney said. “Besides, we’ll be fine as long as we stick together.” Gracie was still afraid, however, and whimpered very quietly as she flew behind him.

Soon, the trio arrived in the Fox’s Den, and Gracie stayed very close to Rodney and Archie, afraid of the yellow eyes she saw in the shadows. Twigs snapped and leaves rustled, and she tried her best to be brave.

The three came to a small ledge in the dark den and perched on the edge, awaiting an unsuspecting fox. Once a younger fox came through the hole, Rodney picked up a pebble with his feet and threw it at the fox, snickering.
The young fox ran off in fright, calling for its mother fox. Archie looked down the small cropping of rocks and nudged Rodney. Rodney looked at Gracie and gave her a pebble. “Throw this one,” he said, but she wouldn’t touch it.

“That would be mean!” she cried, but Archie hushed her. Rodney smirked.
“If you want to be our friend, you have to play games with us,” he said.
“Well maybe I’m different than you,” Gracie said, her feathers ruffled.
Rodney shook his Raven head and picked up the rock, tossing it at the fox below with a caw. The fox, larger than Rodney thought, perked its head up and snarled, swiping at the ledge where the three sat.

The fox’s paw hit Archie’s leg, and he took off flying towards the exit, crying in pain at his hurt leg. Rodney did the same, scared for his life; the two left poor Gracie alone on the ledge.
She cowered, coming as close to the wall as she could to stay away from the angry fox, but he knew she was hiding. “Come on out!” he yelled, snarling as he swiped at the ledge.

Gracie began crying, wishing she had never listened to Rodney in the first place. She held her wings in front of her eyes, sure that she had made her last mistake in leaving home.
The fox snarled once more, snapping its jaws at Gracie. She cried out to the fox, saying, “I didn’t throw a rock! I couldn’t be that mean!” The fox just snarled and glared at her with its wild yellow eyes.
Gracie shook in fear, and the fox just stared at her. “You didn’t run away with the other two,” the fox said. “Why?”
“Because I’m not their friend anymore,” Gracie replied.

The fox let go of the ledge and sat on its haunches, staring at the ledge. “Would you like to help get back at them?” the fox asked, grinning. Gracie slowly neared the edge so she could see the fox, but shook her head.
“Why not?” the fox asked.
“Because it would be just as mean to hurt them as it was for them to hurt you,” she said. “And mean animals never win.” Gracie had tears in her eyes.
The fox just waited, staring at her. After a moment, he nodded. “You’re right,” he said, “I would be no better than them.” The fox smiled. “I guess you are nice after all.” Gracie smiled very softly, still afraid.
“Would you like to go home?” the fox asked. Gracie nodded. “Then get on my back and I will take you to the edge of our den.”
Gracie flew down and curled up on the fox’s shoulders, and they began walking.
After a long while, they reached the edge of the fox den, and Gracie looked out into the dark forest. “I’m scared,” she said.
The fox frowned. “I’m sorry, but I can’t take you any further, or I may be in trouble.”
Gracie shivered, spreading her wings frightfully. “Alright. I can do this. I can be brave,” she said, and lifted off the fox’s back.
“Be safe,” said the fox.

Gracie began flying, but could not find her way through the forest. She landed on a very high branch so she could try and see her canopy, but to no avail. ‘I am lost,’ she thought to herself. ‘Lost without a prayer.’
But much to Gracie’s surprise, a trio of voices called out from the sky as three sparrows landed beside Gracie. She gasped as she saw their faces—her three best friends!

“We were worried about you!” Sally said.
“And we left the nest as soon as we saw Rodney and Archie flying back home without you.”
“And so we’re here to save you!” they cried. Gracie smiled brilliantly and hugged her dear friends.
“If nothing else,” said Gracie, “I have learned tonight who my true friends are!” There were tears in her eyes as the quartet of sparrows flew off towards home, and Gracie smiled as she neared the nest.

The end.
I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.
-Shinji Moon


I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2564
Reviews 129
Hi there

I have to admit that part of me read this simply because it has my name in it, but I did really enjoy it.

I like your use of fairytale begins and structure. I think that begining with "ONce upon a time" Is still a very effective story tool. And the third person looking down at the story works as well.

The one thing I would do is flesh the charactr of Gracie out more. She seems rather one sided and simple.

Besides that, good work!
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5950
Reviews 75
Hey, Lumi! :)
I'm going to start by saying this was adorable. Truly. Azila and Persephoneia should be flattered.

I did, however, find some (minor) errors:

Gracie was a bit afraid, but didn’t want to say no to Rodney since he was the most popular older bird in the canopy.

At first, this made me think of an old man. :/

All throughout the day, Rodney was all she could think about.


“You can’t be so afraid that you stop living,” Rodney said. “Besides, we’ll be fine as long as we stick together.” Gracie was still afraid scared, however, and whimpered very quietly as she flew behind him.

I don't think I need to tell you about overusing words. :)

Once a younger fox came through the hole, Rodney picked up a pebble with his feet and threw it at the fox, snickering.

The young fox ran off in fright, calling for its mother fox.

Awkward tense issues here. You need to decided if you are using "once", and then say "The little foxes would run off in fright, calling for their mothers" - or, cut the "once", and replace it with "A younger fox came through the hole. Rodney..."and so on.
I hope I'm making sense here.

She landed on a very high branch so she could try and see her canopy, but to no avail.

Awkward phrasing. Reword?


This was a great little piece, Lumi. A delight to read. Little birds are just gorgeous :D
-Maddy
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!
-"Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming."

This awesome post bought to you by me. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3175
Reviews 141
I like this! It is a very sweet and touching read. I do think Gracie could be a deeper character, but other than that I really enjoyed this. I loved the images of sparrows and ravens swooping through the air. Sparrows always remind me of light, airy birds, and I think Gracie was the perfect name.
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Wait! I thought the fox was an adult! Why did he have to stop prematurely with Gracie? It doesn't quite make sense. Wouldn't he at least go to the edge of the forest? And why would the three friends go in the dark forest when Oscar the Owl is out? Isn't that kind of a bad idea? And wouldn't they get lost as well?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1836
Reviews 245
Where's *my* bedtime story? D:

...Kidding, I don't get one. Anyways though. Very cute. :3
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard appears "We have weasels now!"
[Firearris] 10:45 pm: askes the guard for the weasel!
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard gives Firearris the Weasel.
[Firearris] 10:46 pm: aquires the weasel and renames it "Cat"

Take that, Lumi.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7522
Reviews 229
Cute and very imaginative. It like the whole fairytale concept - ie, "once upon a time". A few minor mistakes but very clever and unique. I liked it a lot! :)
Sparrows are my favorite birds so you get a thumbs up from me!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3563
Reviews 109
Lumi, you're the best.

I have nitpicks, but this was cutesy, so I won't be so serious about them.

and seemed to have all the promise in the world.

I don't like "seemed" here. It's too foreshadow-y.

Gracie was nervous, but softly replied, “Yes.”

I wanted to know why Gracie was nervous.

She was all aflutter with excitement

I love you.

My main disappointment was that there was no internal conflict for Gracie. She did the right thing the entire time, and as a result never grew. A staple of children's stories is that they involve learning from failure. Gracie never changed or failed, which made her feel very flat.

I also thought you could've made the part with the fox more suspenseful. It's the climax so it could've been drawn out more and made more interesting than the fox swiping at gracie a couple times then giving her a piggyback ride home.

Writing this makes you even more fantastic. You win, Lumi. We like you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1199
Reviews 4
This was so adorable. I agree that the climax with the fox could've been more suspenseful, but all in all it was a great read.
-midnight.
I'm smiling, that alone should scare you.



According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
— The Bee Movie