This is actually really old. I'm a little enbarrassed by it now. You people helped me get better than this. It was from when I first joined, like five months ago or somthing.
Jennafina's Love Your Body Already Dammit Campaign
I didn’t read the recent story cuz it is in parts but I’ll read it too. This is pretty nice-a different theme from what I generally read. I’m not a pro critique like you but I’ll try my best. Sorry if you find my critiqued writing rude (I didn’t mean to be rude at all):lol
First, you have a problem with capitalizing the surname “May” and since it becomes a common English word it creates quite terrible grammatical errors in the sentences-though it is probably understood by most readers. You haven’t capitalized the name in some places too.
You forgot the apostrophes in the correct place and instead you’ve placed it in the wrong place- it’s another minor mistake but I thought I’d mention it to you:
That's for all those times were gunna miss.
That's for all those times we’re gunna miss
Then it worked it’s way downstairs.
Then it worked its way downstairs.
She tried to say, Sirena, Im dead.
She tried to say, Sirena, I’m dead.
Thirdly, “violin” is spelled this way and not “violen” and u wrote “dyeing” instead of “dying”(which makes the sense of the sentence hilarious).
Here’s 3 more small typing errors u need to correct:
Sirena left then, Leaving Saundra May in solitude.
It was sucking her too it.
…she had to be a this way…
Shouldn’t they be this??
Sirena left then, leaving Saundra May in solitude.
It was sucking her to it.
…she had to be this way…
Few questions sprang to my head while reading this, though I had in my mind that this is only fiction:
Why didn’t Sirena die in the fire-wasn’t she in the house then?
How do you kill a violin (without breaking it)??!! I mean-the violin must have died before becoming a ghost.
You wrote- She had been wanting to do that for a long time, but seven was too old for that kind of stuff.
Do you really think any 7-year granddaughter waits for the moment she can touch the cheek of her ghost granny???? The thought gave me shudders.
Any way-did Sirena touch the ghost or the dead body?
I think the conclusion could have been better (I don’t have any idea to end it -but you have the capability to think a better ending.)
The title too isn’t suitable-I mean the “beautiful” rose is mentioned only twice and the rose-part becomes vague (is it meant to be so?). Hey, don’t be offended cuz these are what I think-this is your story (sorry for echoing your words!).
Here’s some titles I thought of (they probably stink but take a look):
Saundra May Jones (the simplest one)
Death. (Nah…)
Cold Beauty (the rose was dead, right?)
When Saundra May Died (another simple one)
But in all-the story was quite touching and I really felt the melancholy in it. Saundra May was nicely expressed and I like it how you you’ve put in her thoughts and feelings about death-really thoughtful thoughts.
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.
Hobbes : What mood is that?
Calvin : Last-minute panic.
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