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Young Writers Society


Athen -A Short Story



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Wed Sep 28, 2005 11:53 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



Athen

Symphonic music played throughout the off-white marble halls. The men in the dark blue coat-tails played furiously at a fast paced song. Dancers raced across the dance floors twirling around their partners to the beat of the music. Athen stood next to the band-stand and watched the couples easily flitting about. Dresses were twirling and smiles shining. Athen felt lonely standing alone with out a partner to dance with. Her light brown hair was done up in large curls that fell gently over her shoulders, a sliver bow in the back. She wore a dark majestic purple gown with silver trim lining it. A simple necklace with small diamonds graced her long elegant neck. Her fair skin glowed a beautiful honey-bronze. Her small dyed lips were straight enough that no one had concern enough to ask her what was wrong, but were just ever so slightly down turned, and her eyes lace with a small bit of concern.

A man was running through the summer meadow. Dressed in all black with a cloak floating out behind him, he dashed out onto to gravel road and stopped a carriage. He was paused a moment looking up and conversing with the driver but was soon up on the seat next to him and whipping the horses into a full gallop.

Back at the gathering Athen stood alone. A mistress passed by her offering her a drink of some punch. She politely declined and moved to a window at the back ot the hall. A slower song started up. Moments later the main doors to the hall crashed open. The music stopped. A few women screamed, most just gasped sharply. A couple swords were drawn but they were soon put away. A tall built man in all black stood at the doors. He was ruggedly handsom. Many of the women close to him began to fawn over him. His dark brown soft and wavy hair fell into his electric blue eyes as they scanned the crowd. Spotting the one he was looking for he ran down the stair case two at a time.

People quickly parted out of the way to let him by. Some even bowed or curtsied. He strode to the back of the hall, his boot steps clearly ringing through out the silent room. He stopped at Athen, back by the wall. She stared at him her eyes wide open. He stared back. Then a smile cracked on his face as he scooped her up in a giant hug and spun her around laughing. She had a laughing look of confusion on her face as her cried into her shoulder. Whispers began going back through the crowd. He set her down on the ground grasping her shoulders and looking into her deep blue eyes still smiling with wet eyes.

"Athen," he said. Her smile fell off her face and was replaced with her jaw dropping.

"Richard?" she asked, her eyes popping out in amazement. Richard laughed and swooped her up again in his bear hug and spun her around more. This time Athen hugged him back. They both laughed and cried together in happiness. The music started up again with a happy upbeat tempo and the people started dancing because Richard and Athen were reunited again. The two eventually joined in the dancing and enthusiastically participated. When the song ended, Athen got two drinks and handed one to Richard and took one for herself. She went up the stairs a bit so everyone could see her and as soon as everyone quieted she spoke.

"I would like to make a toast," she paused to look at Richard, "to my brother," she continued. "To Richard, as he re-claims his throne as King." The people cheered wildly at this. "He has many battle victories under his belt, which now, in turn, has led him to win this war. The Great War." The people cheered again. "To Richard," she held her glass to Richard and smiled at him, "Long live the King!"

"Long Live the King!" the crowd shouted back. Glasses clinked and the music played again. Athen stepped down and went to hug her brother. He emabraced her warmly and planted a kiss on her forehead as the people rejoiced around their King.



Well now... umm that turned out better than expected. I guess this would now be classified as a short story so TADA! Have fun.
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Thu Sep 29, 2005 1:06 am
Boni_Bee says...



yoha_ahoy wrote:Athen

Symphonic music played throughout the off-white marble halls. The men in the dark blue coat-tails played furiously at a fast paced song.


The 'fast paced song' doesn't really, fit....maybe 'The musicians played to a fast tempo, their coat tails flying' or something like that might be better.

Dancers raced across the dance floors twirling around their partners to the beat of the music. Athen stood next to the band-stand and watched the couples easily flitting about.


You have repeated yourself there...

Dresses were twirling and smiles shining.


You said twirling twice so far...and smiles shining? That....doesn't really bring a picture to my mind.

Athen felt lonely standing alone with out a partner to dance with. Her light brown hair was done up in large curls that fell gently over her shoulders, a sliver bow in the back. She wore a dark majestic purple gown with silver trim lining it. A simple necklace with small diamonds graced her long elegant neck. Her fair skin glowed a beautiful honey-bronze. Her small dyed lips were straight enough that no one had concern enough to ask her what was wrong, but were just ever so slightly down turned, and her eyes lace with a small bit of concern.


Too much description, although it's good. "Her fair skin glowed a beatiful honey-bronze" I've never heard of fair skin called honey-bronze!

A man was running through the summer meadow. Dressed in all black with a cloak floating out behind him, he dashed out onto to gravel road and stopped a carriage. He was paused a moment looking up and conversing with the driver but was soon up on the seat next to him and whipping the horses into a full gallop.


You need some sort of break here, like ***********'s, or -----------------'s, because otherwise you keep reading and it makes you confused for a mintue, because it sounded like he was at the ball.


Overall, it's good. I'd like to see a bit more idea (when they meet) that he is their brother, because you get the idea that it's a long lost husband or something like that...if you know what I mean.

Good effort :)
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2005 1:20 am
PsyLynx says...



I don't agree with the too-much-description bit. It isn't a particularly huge amount of description... I agree with the rest.

It's short, it's sweet, but very little happened....there wasn't any awesome twist, there wasn't even much suspense. It was like a snapshot of something rather than a full story....

and lots of my favorite things that I've written were exactly that too, so go figure.
  








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