A Woman Plays Poker

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The smell of sweat and alcohol breath from too much beer seemed to get stronger with each minute that Amelia played. Between her turns, she would always glance over at her two worried, yet hopeful sisters who were watching the game from a distance. Amelia knew that she could do this. She had to. She looked at her two cards; an ace and a jack. From the cards that had been laid out, she had a pair of jacks. Her money was deteriorating fast. She needed a better hand. But there were still more cards to go, so Amelia was hopeful. She looked back at her sisters. Katherine’s sky-blue eyes were glassy. Don’t worry, honey, Amelia thought, I was the one who got us arrested back in Charleston. I’ll win this game, and then we can buy a house of our own.
“Miss Riley, call?” asked the regulator.
Amelia jolted back toward the table and looked at her cards. She hadn’t been aware that it was her turn. The other players were glaring at her angrily.
“How much?”
The other players laughed. “She’s not even paying attention,” one yelled, “I say the woman leaves! She can’t even focus!”
They all chorused another laugh, and this time the spectators joined in; all except Katherine and Beatrice, as Amelia was happy to find out. Their faces were both cold with fear.
“Fold,” said Amelia bluntly. Her hand sucked anyway, and she didn’t want to take any chances.
The hand continued on, and Amelia was barely paying attention. She was tired, thinking that maybe she needed a drink herself. The thought passed quickly. Amelia didn’t need anyone else laughing at her for “trying to be tough”, “thinking she was a man” or whatever other reasons had been thrown at her when she’d cashed in to the table.
The man who had teased her earlier won the hand with a full house of jacks and kings. He thrust his arms greedily over the huge pile of silver that he had just won.
Amelia sighed and handed her two cards back in so that she could be re-dealt. She glanced back at her sisters, hiding her money from Katherine—she was down to forty silver—but Katherine saw it anyway and whispered something in Beatrice’s ear.
I’m trying, she mouthed.
The cards were dealt and the blinds were dispersed. Amelia eyed her cards; she had pocket queens. Not bad, she thought. Maybe this will be a good hand for me.
The players called, and soon it was Amelia’s turn. She took out two silver and placed it in the middle pile. The three flop cards were laid out; a queen, an ace, and a six. That was a three of a kind that Amelia already had. She could win this hand.
As the round continued, Amelia decided that she really wanted a drink and didn’t care what the others thought. She snapped her fingers and soon Beatrice came forward.
“Use the five silver that Katherine has left over,” Amelia commanded, “and get me a mug of beer, please.” Beatrice nodded her head, and was back with the beer right as it was Amelia’s turn. She called and another queen was laid out. Four of a kind! The others had bet but hadn’t called, and since she had three of a kind, she figured that she would make things interesting.
“Raise,” she said, “twelve silver.” She smiled shoved the money into the middle pile.
The man sitting next to her hadn’t been expecting the raise, as Amelia could tell from his wide eyes and raised eyebrows. Amelia took a swig of beer while she waited, and was surprised that no one was taking note of it. Maybe they just hadn’t seen her—she began to chug it more quickly, hoping she could finish before someone noticed.
“Call,” said the man, adding his money to the pile.
Of the eight people who were left, six folded. One raised by twelve—that was the man who had been teasing her earlier. It was Amelia’s turn now. She was red faced and hot, unsure of what to do. She chugged the remainder of her beer. There were still two cards left to be revealed. Two more opportunities to get a better hand, to win the money she so needed. In Amelia’s
“Call,” said Amelia. She only had sixteen silver left. She hoped that the next card would be good so she could go all in.
The next person to go surprised her. “All in,” said the man, “one hundred and forty silver.”
The man afterward folded. “All in,” said the teasing man, “two hundred silver.”
Amelia’s heart began to race. Her hand was good, but what if others had a straight or royal flush? If she lost this money, there would be nothing left for herself and her sisters. It was either win this hand or lose everything.
“Aren’t you going to call?” the man yelled. “Or are you too afraid? It just isn’t right for women to play poker. They don’t know the—”
“All in,” Amelia said with a scowl.
“Show your cards,” said the regulator. “Mr. Hone?”
The man next to Amelia showed his hand.
“Three of a kind,” he said, “Aces.”
“Mr. Smith?
The man showed his hand.
“Full house,” said the regulator, “sixes and aces.”
Amelia’s heart began to race. There was over four hundred silver in that pot, and it was all hers!
“Miss Riley?”
Amelia showed her cards, glowing.
Mr. Smith’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets.
“Four of a kind,” said the regulator, “Queens.”
“I don’t believe this,” said Mr. Smith, “I just don’t believe I’ve been beaten by a woman.”
Amelia simply smiled and glanced back at Katherine and Beatrice, who were smiling more
brightly then they ever had been in a long, long time.
“Cashing out,” said Amelia. She turned back to her two sisters and mouthed the words, “there should be just enough.”

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hey Ellie :D

Crucial Rule No.1: Show don't tell. This whole piece has an aweful lot of telling. You've set up the scene and included dialogue, but after that the majority of it is simply telling what's going on. Some small references to how the ambience changes when the money goes all in, or how the audiance reacts, will help to drag your reader into their seats.

At first I found Amelia a little dull, but once I got into the story my interest grew. She seems average, though quite wreckless, which makes me really wonder about what kind of situation she's in to be gambling. For that reason I'd say this is a really good introduction for her.

Overall I liked it, though I think you should run through this again and check for little mistakes, like rogue words or split sentences that escaped the first edit. And put thoughts in italics, it'll avoid confusion.

Hope this helps :)
-Ten
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Hey!

I like it. :) You do kind of show not tell, though. I can't really complain much; I tend to do this a lot too. Anyways, I was entertained and left wanting more. I think you could make a sequel; maybe explain more about them, what they do with the money, what kind of situation they're in. If you do make one though, would you mind PMing me? I'm actually really interested. Overall, good story.

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Hey, Elinor. Overall: The subtext behind the plot is just a tad overdone, and I was disappointed with the lack of description. However, this piece is still pretty good, and it improved as it went on. Nice job :)
The smell of sweat and alcohol breath from too much beer seemed to get stronger with each minute that Amelia played.

Nice hook. However, I would leave out "breath" here.
But there were still more cards to go, so Amelia was hopeful.

Don't start sentences with "but". Sometimes it sounds fine, but in this situation, you can tell it definitely sounds like a fragment.
Amelia jolted back toward the table and looked at her cards. She hadn’t been aware that it was her turn. The other players were glaring at her angrily.

This is one of the only descriptions of the other players I noticed. Even the smaller characters need a little personality. Are these men just your run-of-the-mill chauvinist slobs? Are they high-and-mighty CEOs?
Her hand sucked anyway, and she didn’t want to take any chances.

This sentence is probably more you than Amelia--Amelia doesn't seem like the sort of person who would use the phrases like "it sucks".
The players called, and soon it was Amelia’s turn. She took out two silver and placed it in the middle pile. The three flop cards were laid out; a queen, an ace, and a six. That was a three of a kind that Amelia already had. She could win this hand

I'd like to see a little more emotion here. There's a tiny glimmer of the possibility that Amelia and her sisters might finally be able to live comfortably again! Moments like that deserve a little more than "She could win this hand".
In Amelia’s

Typo?
Amelia’s heart began to race. Her hand was good, but what if others had a straight or royal flush? If she lost this money, there would be nothing left for herself and her sisters. It was either win this hand or lose everything.

Good, good. The emotion adds to the story. I like it.
Amelia’s heart began to race.

If you'll check the quote above, I believe this phrase is used twice in a row. You might want to change it.
“Cashing out,” said Amelia. She turned back to her two sisters and mouthed the words, “there should be just enough.”

This is a good end, although a little anti climactic.

Like I said before, try to dig a little deeper with the description and characterization. I liked this, and I think with a little improvement, this story could go from good to great in no time.
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So...why did I read it to the end?

Because I liked the idea - a woman playing poker with men. I probably would not have finished the piece had the idea not been so original. And that is because the execution was not as tight as it might have been. I felt like I was reading the shadow of the story, the echo of the event.

There was something decidedly bland about the whole piece. I don't know if I can put it down to the 'show and tell' thing - I don't think so, actually. But, here's the thing: it was as if the story itself seemed to be TRYING to create an atmosphere of intensity, action and drama, but sounding more newspaperish than anything. There were places where it could have been cleaner too - I think there was a gross overuse of adverbs, actually:

The other players were glaring at her angrily.
“How much?”
The other players laughed. “She’s not even paying attention,” one yelled, “I say the woman leaves! She can’t even focus!”
They all chorused another laugh, and this time the spectators joined in; all except Katherine and Beatrice, as Amelia was happy to find out. Their faces were both cold with fear.
“Fold,” said Amelia bluntly. Her hand sucked anyway, and she didn’t want to take any chances.
The hand continued on, and Amelia was barely paying attention. She was tired, thinking that maybe she needed a drink herself. The thought passed quickly. Amelia didn’t need anyone else laughing at her for “trying to be tough”, “thinking she was a man” or whatever other reasons had been thrown at her when she’d cashed in to the table.
The man who had teased her earlier won the hand with a full house of jacks and kings. He thrust his arms greedily over the huge pile of silver that he had just won.


The character of Amelia was...so-so. Didn't enjoy her as much as I thought I might have. I didn't really feel like I knew her, or her situation by the end of it. Take the above quote again - she's being glared at angrily, she's being laughed at, she's not paying attention, she's happy (of all the ridiculous enotions she could be), she's not paying attention again (what? so she pays attention for a bit, then doesn't - how does SHE know she's not paying attention, anyway? Shouldn't there be some kind of break of actual daydream-ish thoughts - somemore description of the casino or pub or whatever that she's staring at, or an old memory she's thinking about, or something about her face looking dazed to show this?), then she's feeling tired, then thirsty for a drink, then scared about what others think, then.....it's all so disjointed. There's nothing consistent about what A is feeling at the very moment, so she seems to fall flat, character-wise. And the description of her could suffice for a naughty boy stuck in detention, doing his homework - nodding off, paying attention randomly, laughing, whatever.

This needs something more strongly tying it together than the loose-edged lines, the frayed sentences that mean very little by themselves, and even less overall. I would love to see this in all its glory - but right now, it's the bare bones of the piece. I'm sure you're more than capable of sprucing it up to shine.




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Hey Eli!

So! This story! This story is about poker! In fact, it's about a woman playing poker. Poker isn't really interesting in itself... it really isn't. What is interesting, however, is the character development! So stop having her just tell us the details of the game... that's boring. Tell us what happens.

For instance! Let's take a lesson from Lady Gaga about poker:

I won't tell you that I love you
Kiss or hug you
Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin
I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning
Just like a chick in the casino
Take your bank before I pay you out
I promise this, promise this
Check this hand cause I'm marvelous


If this woman is that desperate, she is going to be playing it up, exaggerating everything, and trying to distract the men as best as she can. If she's desperate.

Right now, she certainly doesn't show us that she's desperate.

Show, don't tell.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Here as requested, Elinor. Sorry it took me so long to get here! I really like this idea and the conflict it expresses, but it's lacking a bit.

She smiled shoved the money into the middle pile.


Missing a word here.

Two more opportunities to get a better hand, to win the money she so needed. In Amelia’s


Another typo, I'm sure. You seemed to start another sentence that you never complete.

There's not much I can add here that hasn't already been said. I felt like the weak points here were description and character development. Description, because you tended to show and not tell, telling us how important is was to win this, telling us what Amelia was feeling. Character development, because I didn't feel very connected to the character throughout the process. I think one thing you could do to help this would be remove the "she thoughts", "she was surprised", "she was hoping", etc. If you integrate the character's mindset more with the actual narration, a connection can be forged. And, yes, you can still do that in third person!

About the characters-- differentiate between the poker players. There's Amelia, and then all these men. They're all labeled as "the man". You start to separate them with the teasing man, but give them a little bit more personality. Does one of them smell particularly like cigarette smoke? Is one wearing broken sunglasses? Does one have his sleeves rolled up so tightly that they're cutting of the circulation in his arms? Set the scene by personalizing the characters.

Lastly, raise the stakes! You make it seem like the money's important, yeah, but I never feel as if Amelia's really worried about not getting it. What happens if she doesn't win? What's at stake here? Where's the desperation? Where's the panicked feeling, the shaking hands, the blurring vision? If this woman is depending as much on the money as you let on, she'd be more high-strung and tense. And I can't imagine her being truly happy-- more relieved.

Basically, delve deeper into the character, establish the scene and setting more, and add that drama. The writing is clean and grammar's proper, though, so that's always a plus! :P Best of luck! PM me for anything!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




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Hey hey! :)

Im really beginning to see what you meant by "show-dont tell" :smt001 thanks for the advice :smt001

I really enjoyed this story, and sensed the urgency for Amelia to.. help? her sisters. Everything has been said but if you carry on with this I would really like to see more. I adore the concept of a woman playing poker, althought I think Amelia could have been a litle more hard-core, after all she is playing a mans game, and maybe a little more wittier.

Again, thanx for the advice :smt001
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