Horror: Dancing the Night Away

Warning, rated 16 and older due to contents and maybe violence/gore. (Genre: Horror)

I dug the object in, relishing in the loud yelp that brought my bloodlust to front. Sweet, sweet revenge; I’m so happy you came back to me. I grab the thin wrist and tighten my grasp, hearing the resonating crack that followed. So very happy. A shiver of content crawled down my spine and a happy sigh was released.

“You had me so worried, my little angel.” I say, running a finger along her collar. “I thought you ran away.”

A small whimper caught my attention.

“Oh? Does it hurt?” I twist the object, grinning when I heard the loud gasp. How fun this is, to cause you so much pain. I pull the object out and plunge it in once more, harder, harsher.

“You’re so quiet today,” I say in a low baritone, eyeing the blood flowing down her legs. I press my hand against the knife and leaned close to her. “But I want to hear you scream.” I ripped the knife out and staked it back in, only to have the red liquid stain my front.

I stare gleefully at her. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you scream,” I hiss. “So let’s dance, little angel. Let’s dance the night away.” I plunge the item in once more. A small scream escaped. Yes, I’ll make sure you’ll scream. Scream until your throat goes raw and you lose all hope, begging to stay by my side forever. So scream my little angel, scream until you can scream no more.

Hi!

So, this is quite an interesting story. There's a lot going on-you've got a sadistic killer who has a strange, lustful attraction the the girl he's murdering. It's very short, and you manage to get across a lot of emotion and depth in this piece. While that's all good, I feel like some of it may be a little vague.

While it's nice to shroud things in a bit of mystery, especially for a story like this, you should at least have just a little detail about the two characters. Starting off with the victim, we know almost nothing about her. Is she beautiful? How did she get alone with the narrator? Has she had a past association with him? For the killer-could we learn a bit about his motives?

Overall I liked the story and you did a successful job of sending chills down my spine. PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor xo

Hello again BW- hope you don't mind me abbreviating your name- again this was good and spine tingling, but it needs more substance especially your narrator who is such a mystery too the readers. I suggest you add more details and background to the victim and narrator and why he's torturing the person. Is he torturing the person for insane pleasure? or is their a specific reason to his madness like the plausibility of revenge? And descriptions of their whereabouts would give us a more define image of where there is taken place. Also it can be expanded. All in all it was pretty a solid horrifying piece. Thanks for the read, keep writing and now I bid you adieu!

Okay, well since this is almost exactly like the other story I reviewed I was wondering are they connected? Is Horror the title or something? I thought you were just saying the genre or whatever, but now I'm not so sure. If you could clarify that, it would be great .

Wow, this sent chills, and I could totally feel what the narrator was feeling... kind of creepy.

But yeah, like the other reviews said, I think this story would be better if you descibed the charater and really developed them, because right now it's more like a scene than a story really. But good job!

Comments in red.

BrokenWing wrote:Warning, rated 16 and older due to contents and maybe violence/gore. (Genre: Horror)

I dug the object The vagueness isn't working here. in, relishing in the loud yelp that brought my bloodlust to front. Sweet, sweet revenge; I’m so happy you came back to me. I grab the thin wrist and tighten my grasp, hearing the resonating crack that followed. So very happy. A shiver of content crawled down my spine and a happy sigh was released. Kind of awkward, but understandable I suppose.

“You had me so worried, my little angel.” I say, running a finger along her collar. “I thought you ran away.”

A small whimper caught my attention.

“Oh? Does it hurt?” I twist the object, grinning when I heard the loud gasp. How fun this is, to cause you so much pain. This is kind of forced darkness. I pull the object out and plunge it in once more, harder, harsher.

“You’re so quiet today,” I say in a low baritone, eyeing the blood flowing down her legs. I press my hand against the knife and leaned close to her. “But I want to hear you scream.” I ripped the knife out and staked it back in, only to have the red liquid stain my front.

I stare gleefully at her. “Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you scream,” I hiss. “So let’s dance, little angel. Let’s dance the night away.” I plunge the item in once more. A small scream escaped. Yes, I’ll make sure you’ll scream. Scream until your throat goes raw and you lose all hope, begging to stay by my side forever. So scream my little angel, scream until you can scream no more.

Dark, but I felt it was kind of forced. Like you wanted to be dark so you kind of...I don't know how to explain it. :\

Anyway, final thoughts:

This is more of a drabble and is really too short for me to critique as a whole.

The vagueness isn't working in this piece. Detail is beautiful in pieces like these. You lack it. Vivid description. He's mad, and he wants relishes in all the little details. The smooth cream of her skin, the little bits of flesh stuck on the knife, the beautiful way the blood drips, the sticky feel of her wound, etc. Give me details as they're vital in pieces like these.

Anyway, that's all I have to say.

Sincerely,

Kara

Hey BrokenWing

I wasn't really feeling it, to be honest. There was a lot of bloodlust, and I got the idea, but there was nothing that really caught my attention or made me shiver. The protragonist seems to be a typical 'sadistic bad guy after revenge.' The thing that did catch my attention was the words 'little angel' which made me think perhaps he was killing a child, but then there wasn't really anything else pointing toward it. Now that idea would have been something.

There needs to be something strange or interesting about either the murderer or the victim in order to make it a good story, but right now it's just a murder scene. Nice work on the description though.

Hope this helps.
-Ten