Sydney~The Follow up

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This is a follow-up to the first short write I wrote (Sydney) Enjoy!

Spoiler
I can’t do this. I mean, I can’t tell my parents. Get a grip, Sydney I tell myself. You can do this. Ben’s gonna be here any minute. Ben’s my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a few years. A couple days ago, I found out I was pregnant
The doorbell rings. I give myself one last once over in the full length mirror and trot down the stairs.
“Sydney,” My mother calls, “Is that Bennet?” My mother steps from out of the kitchen. Her red hair is pulled back to expose sharp features.
“No, actually, that’s my other boyfriend, Luke.” I say sarcastically. My mother frowns.
“Joking, Mom, joking.” I say hastily. I open the door.
“Hey, Syd.” Ben says. I look up into his eyes. They are deep and dark, warm and beautiful. He kisses me gently.
“Hello, Mrs Brian.” Ben says quickly. My mother raises an eyebrow.
“Bennet.” She says coolly. She goes into the kitchen and I turn to Ben with wide eyes.
“She hates you!” I say quickly, “We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
“Sydney, Sydney, calm down.” Ben tells me, “We’ll be fine.” I’m reaching a state of hysteria.
“No, no we won’t. I’ll be like, disowned. This child won’t have anything, a house, clothes.” I say.
“No, Syd, really, calm down.” Ben tells me again. We sit on th stairs, beside each other.
“Whatever your parents say, we will be alright. I know it.” He says. I run my hand through his hair.
“They’re gonna kill you. Then they’ll wait for me to have this kid, and then they’ll murder me.” I say. I’m fighting back tears.
“Dinner,” my father calls. Ben grabs my hand and we enter the dining room together. I force a smile on my face. Fake happy, Syd, I think, At least, for now.

We’re all gathered around the table; my mother, father, sister, Ben and I. My mother and I silently communicate while my father grills Ben on his school and sports.
“Okay!” I say. I nearly yell. My parents look at me.
“I can’ take this.” I say. “Mom, dad, I have to tell you something.” Everyone looks at me. Under the table, Ben squeezes my hand.
“What?” My mother asks slowly. She isn’t looking at me, she’s staring daggers at Ben.
“I’m, uh, I’m pregnant.” I stutter out.
“What?” My mother asks. Her face goes pale, while my father fleshy face goes a nice, deep crimson.
“How?” He asks. He’s enraged I shouldn’t push him any farther.
“You see, when a guy and a girl love each other…” Ben begins. My father turns to us.
“Both out you! OUT!”
“Charles!” My mother says, “We can’t kick her out. She’s our daughter”
“That slut isn’t my daughter.” My father says, “out.” I stand up. I face my father.
“I don’t care what you think of me. I’ll leave, but I’m keeping my baby.” I say. Ben and I leave the dining room and my family.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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I read the first part and I really liked it, and this part had a lot of suspense. I liked it a lot! You could really expand this whole story and make it even better!!!!
Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut.




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Hey Kat! Well I haven't read the first part yet, so I'll just review this as something on it's own. Well first off, I think you should slow down a little more, the part when she tells her parents is way to quick. Tell us about how she's feeling, like when her dad kicks her out, the way her stomach falls, her reaction to that. Right now it's just sort of them talking, and I want to know how she's feeling about everything that's going on. Also you said something about a sister being there too, what about her reaction, what does she feel? Does she not want her sister to leave? I got the impression that the mom knew about the pregnancy, but I'm not sure if that's true or not, but just in case I thought you should know that. I guess I'll go read the first part and find out!
"I'd rather be hated for being who I am, then loved for who I'm not."




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Hey KxK, I'm here to review of course. I already raed the first part and thought it was good now so on with the nitpicks:

KitxKat wrote:This is a follow-up to the first short write I wrote (Sydney) Enjoy!

Spoiler
I can’t do this. I mean, I can’t tell my parents. Get a grip, Sydney I tell myself. You can do this. Ben’s gonna be here any minute. Ben’s my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a few years. A couple days ago, I found out I was pregnant I don't think this part is needed. The doorbell rings. I give myself one last once over in the full length mirror and trot down the stairs.
“Sydney,” My mother calls, “Is that Bennet?” My motherShe steps from out of the kitchen, her red hair is pulled back to expose sharp features.
“No, actually, that’s my other boyfriend, Luke.” I say sarcastically. My mother frowns.
“Joking, mom, joking.” I say hastily. I open the door.
“Hey, Syd.” Ben says. I look up into his eyes, they are deep and dark, warm and beautiful. He kisses me gently.
“Hello, Mrs Brian.” Ben says quickly. My mother raises an eyebrow.
“Bennet.” She says coolly. She goes into the kitchen and I turn to Ben with wide eyes.
“She hates you!” I say quickly you have too mant quickly try a different word., “We can’t do this. I can’t do this.”
“Sydney, Sydney, calm down.” Ben tells me, “We’ll be fine.” I’m reaching a state of hysteria.
“No, no we won’t. I’ll be like, disowned. This child won’t have anything, a no house,no clothes.” I say.
“No, Syd, really, calm down.” Ben tells me again. We sit on th stairs, beside each other.
“Whatever your parents say, we will be alright. I know it.” He says. I run my hand through his hair.
“They’re gonna kill you. Then they’ll wait for me to have this kid, and then they’ll murder me.” I say ,. I’m fighting back tears.
“Dinner,” my father calls. Ben grabs my hand and we enter the dining room together. I force a smile on my face. Fake happy, Syd, I think, At least, for now.

We’re all gathered around the table; my mother, father, sister, Ben and I. My mother and I silently communicate while my father grills Ben on his school and sports.
“Okay!” I say. I nearly yell. My parents look at me.
“I can’ take this.” I say too many say try something else. “Mom, dad, I have to tell you something.” Everyone looks at me. Under the table, Ben squeezes my hand.
“What?” My mother asks slowly. She isn’t looking at me, she’s staring daggers at Ben.
“I’m, uh, I’m pregnant.” I stutter out.
“What?” My mother asks. Her face goes pale, while my father fleshy face goes a nice, deep crimson.
“How?” He asks. He’s enraged I shouldn’t push him any farther.
“You see, when a guy and a girl love each other…” Ben begins. My father turns to us.
“Both out of you! OUT!”
“Charles!” My mother says, “We can’t kick her out. She’s our daughter .
“That slut isn’t my daughter.” My father says, “out!” I stand up to face my father.
“I don’t care what you think of me. I’ll leave, but I’m keeping my baby.” I say. Ben and I leave the dining room and my family.


A few mistakes and suggestions here and there, but I liked it. Thanks for the read :mrgreen: :mrgreen: .
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Hi!

So I read this over twice, and I was thinking one thing: slow down! In the first part, you had a lot of moments of subtly that really allowed the reader to soak up emotion, feeling, and characterization. Now, there's barely any of that. The story almost entirely consists of dialogue, and as such, there isn't much room for description or emotion!

I would like to see more of a reaction from Sydney's parents, more of an argument. I mean, put yourself in their position. They've raised their daughter to be a good girl, taught her that sex is wrong, and they're re-payed like this? Add more to the argument!

I also think that reaction is a little cold and unrealistic. No matter what poor decisions the's made, Sydney is still their daughter and they are going to love her. Okay, okay. I suppose you could say that it has happened before, but you want to try to think within the norm. Also, I don't like how the father calls Sydney a slut at the end. If she had sex with ten different guys, I could see it. Her parents are going to be mad, but they won't hate her.

I also had a question about the beginning of the story. The boyfriend is only visiting on business, and when two people are together, they may kiss, but not with every chance they get. Besides, if the mother (who hates him) is right there, why would they kiss? Why is he even being invited over if the parents hate him?

Finally, now that I've read both parts, I had a few comments regarding the nature of the story itself. Why are they in two separate parts? They are both very short, and could easily be woven together. Secondly, there isn't really much that happens in these stories [or story]. It's just follows someone's story of teenage pregnancy. While it's nice for a quick, fun read, why should we care about your character specifically? Teenagers get pregnant all the time.

What I think you've got right now is a good beginning that could easily be expanded upon. What is Sydney's life after being kicked out like? Does she get into drugs and alcohol, and become a killer? Does Ben abandon her and is she left all alone. [That's happened a lot, especially with teenagers, by the way]. Add meat to this. I'll admit that I'm interested this story, and curious to see where it will lead.

Good luck revising/adding to this, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor xo

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney



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