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All I Can See Is You



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Gender: None specified
Points: 765
Reviews: 1
Sun Jan 15, 2012 7:46 pm
CStar says...



Everytime I close my eyes
my head starts spinning.
Words form in my mind,
I try to sleep,
but it just wont take me.
I can't tell what's bothering me,
or how i got here.
All i know is that I need to get it out.

I'm trying to explain
but no words will come out
regardless that
i know what i want to say
I'm tired of playing your games
'Cause it seems to me
that there's no way of winning
i'm done

I used to think that
maybe we could make this better
maybe try us again
though it seems that you feel nothing
i'm lost in my head
retracing my steps
to see where i went wrong
but all i can see
is you

I'm trying to explain
but no words will come out
regardless that
i know what i want to say
I'm tired of playing your games
'Cause it seems to me
that there's no way of winning
i'm done

This is just a game to you
toying with me
then throwing me aside
Did you get tired?
Did the novelty wear off?
Forget it!
You're on your own now

I'm trying to explain
but no words will come out
regardless that
i know what i want to say
I'm tired of playing your games
'Cause it seems to me
that there's no way of winning
i'm done
Coraggio di essere piĆ¼ forte
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:02 am
NaRachel says...



First of all, nice signature quote :) Okay the first problem I had with reading this is that it didn't rhyme enough... people like ryhmes, think about reading poems, I don't know about you but I always enjoy the ones that are cleverly rhymed.. there are of course exceptions. Otherwise it's good! And I really like the way it tells a story :) In fact i think this song is almost too story-like, you need to make it a bit more poetic :) But well done :) -Rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 291
Reviews: 18
Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:10 pm
OrionRising says...



Alright. So, I don't really agree with NaRachel at all.

First off all, I don't find your song to be very good. Sorry, but that is the truth and it is my opinion and I am entitled to it. That is not, however, to say that I don't think that you are a bad writer. I wouldn't ever think that let alone say that. All I'm saying is that it needs work, a lot of work-- you just need practice. In my mind this song is rather bland, and, although it may be easy for others to relate to, its seems to be just another teenager writing just another song. What you want to do is invoke some of your own individualism into the song and instead of just telling the listener how you feel, show them how you feel. I'm not sure if it is as big a thing on this site as it is on others but on many other writing sites which I have been on the more advanced writers have a motto: "Show, don't tell." Storytelling, or songwriting, or poetry, should not be about telling another person something. You want to show them something. Writing is an art-- just like a mosaic or painting-- it should be something which invoke feeling or though or beauty.

Okay, moving on to NaRachel's comment about rhyming. This is probably my most stressed point when it comes to songwriting: LYRICS DO NOT HAVE TO RHYME! In fact if you look at most lyrics they don't rhyme. Rhyming is but one of many ways in which you can express beauty or emotion, and of all the ways it is probably the weakest and most overused. Rhyming does not increase anything but the sound of the lyrics and often, when a writer tries to hard to rhyme, it can take away from the meaning. Again though, I am not saying you should not rhyme-- just don't try to hard to rhyme. Instead of rhyming you could use the syllables of each stanza to keep an even flow or you could use imagery (my favorite) or abstractions to express your ideas more clearly.


Anyways on to the real critique part:
CStar wrote:Everytime I close my eyes
my head starts spinning.
Words form in my mind,
I try to sleep,
but it just wont take me.
I can't tell what's bothering me,
or how i got here.
All i know is that I need to get it out.

The truth is, I can relate to everything you just said because it has been happening to me a lot lately. However, you stated everything that happened to you in very blatant and cliche way. The lines "my head starts spinning" and "I try to sleep./ but it just won't take me" are extremely cliche. Is there any way which you could say the same thing in a more detailed and thoughtful way? As a listener I want enough detail that I can feel like I am you.

I'm trying to explain
but no words will come out Quite cliche but it could be overlooked. Still if there is a way which you can better express your words that would be great.
regardless that
i know what i want to say
I'm tired of playing your games *chokes* AHHH!!! Major cliche and one of my personal least favorites. Be more detailed instead of just saying games, explain what games or what kind of games the person is playing and how they are playing them.
'Cause it seems to me
that there's no way of winning
i'm done

I used to think that
maybe we could make this better
maybe try us again
though it seems that you feel nothing
i'm lost in my head
retracing my steps
to see where i went wrong
but all i can see
is you

I'm trying to explain
but no words will come out
regardless that
i know what i want to say
I'm tired of playing your games
'Cause it seems to me
that there's no way of winning
i'm done

This is just a game to you
toying with me
then throwing me aside
Did you get tired?
Did the novelty wear off?
Forget it!
You're on your own now

I'm trying to explain
but no words will come out
regardless that
i know what i want to say
I'm tired of playing your games
'Cause it seems to me
that there's no way of winning
i'm done


Alright. So I'll come back to this later if I need to but I don't think I have much else to say. I guess really what you need to do is re-write this, keeping the same ideas and themes in mind, but with more detailed and explicit words.

-Keep writing! Only practice will help you.
  








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