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Points: 994
Reviews: 4
Fri Jan 13, 2012 5:06 am
Still says...



Does lonely with you, beat lonely without you?
I can't imagine what I'd do without you.
Do I owe you the truth even if it costs me you
Should I lose control, whisper my soul,
Is my need to grow more than we can stand
Is it worth the fight when I don't even know who I am
'Cause I've been hiding inside, just along for the ride
All these years as your wife, only living your life
and its cost me more than I planned
I'm still waiting for you to say you've been missin me too
and somehow inspite of me, you know exactly who I am
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 5107
Reviews: 100
Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:13 am
NaRachel says...



Wow. This is pretty different, in terms of format it doesn't follow the usual songwriting "rules", however unconventionality isn't a sin but a blessing when it works and I think you pull it off. The whole thing flows well and I think it is this that saves it. The repetition used as a rhyme in the first two lines doesn't even annoy me (and trust me it usually would). I like the repetition of "who I am" and the way you've ended the song with it. I also like the way you haven't named the song "Who I Am" because that would be too obvious. Great work, keep it up :) Make it longer if you wish :) -Rachel
"You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow from the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside"
  





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Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:14 am
JabberHut says...



Hey, Still! I'm back! :D

I'm actually curious about your style! It's a bit unique from what I've seen. Do you, perhaps, have some examples of songs/music that would best describe what you're going for? It might help me get a better idea what you're going for in your music! (I'm a musical person myself, so it's how I can keep up with lyrics!)

Does lonely with you, beat lonely without you?
I can't imagine what I'd do without you.
Do I owe you the truth even if it costs me you


I really like these three lines. You've got a fun play with words that makes for awesome parallelism, and it still all flows rather nicely with the message shining through. An awesome start to your piece!

Should I lose control, whisper my soul,
Is my need to grow more than we can stand
Is it worth the fight when I don't even know who I am


I'm not quite sure where these lines are going. Maybe it's getting late, maybe I'm going through some sort of burn-out, but I'm not quite following! They don't seem to have any correlation with the story of the piece. Maybe I'm misreading them, or maybe the lines were written for prettyfulness more than significance. Food for thought!

'Cause I've been hiding inside, just along for the ride
All these years as your wife, only living your life
and its cost me more than I planned
I'm still waiting for you to say you've been missin me too
and somehow inspite of me, you know exactly who I am


I love this end. It's a wonderful wrap up of your piece that explains the story, the message, and leaves the reader feeling satisfied with the piece itself. Well done!

So there's only that little blip in the middle that confused me a bit. The message seems to have died there. What you have is good! And again, I'm very interested in your style. I wish I had a better idea of how this song would go!

Keep writing! :D

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 994
Reviews: 4
Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:56 pm
Still says...



Thank you so much for the reviews. Very Helpful.

Rachel ~ I thought it was short too but it said everything I wanted it to, so I ended it.

Jabber ~ The song is about a woman wondering if she has the courage to be honest with herself and her husband. Her feelings of loneliness and desire to finally face her own unhappiness prompt her to ask

Should I lose control, whisper my soul,
Is my need to grow more than we can stand
Is it worth the fight when I don't even know who I am

She feels making the changes she desperately needs places her marriage at risk. I'm not sure how to change the song to reflect it.

Thanks again for your help.
  








You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott