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His Princess



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65 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:19 am
dasiamari says...



He took it rough
when her momma died.

But she was there
like a shining light.

He took her shopping
Even though he didn't understand
When she talked about the
latest Barbie brands.

She spun around in
her white Easter dress
and said
Daddy, look now I'm a princess.

Chorus
And she was.
He did his best
God did the rest
and she turned out alright
He raised her right
rocked her through the night
And she turned out just fine.
_______________________________

She graduated elementary
Starting on a new journey.
The guys back home said
this stage is living hell
With boys and friends
and fights.
With god knows
what else.

They were wrong
She came home crying
after one day.

She said
Daddy, don't send me
back to that place.

The boys are rough
The girls are mean
They pick on me.

I just wanna stay here
with you daddy
You can teach me
I'll be good.
I'll study hard
and prove them wrong

Chorus
And she did
He did his best
God did the rest
and she turned out alright
He raised her right
rocked her through the night
And she turned out just fine.
_____________________________
He took her shopping
even though he
didn't understand
When she talked about lace
and a head band.
She spun around in her
white wedding dress
and said Daddy, look now I'm a princess
Last edited by dasiamari on Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:39 am, edited 4 times in total.
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  





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328 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 99
Reviews: 328
Thu Dec 29, 2011 2:57 am
LadySpark says...



Hi Das! Here to review!

He took it rough
when her momma died.
Hit Enter here
But she was there
like a shining light. < This should be one line
He took her shopping,
Even though he didn't understand <one line


her white Easter dress.
and saidEnter here
"Daddy, look now I'm a princess!"


He did his best ,
God did the rest.
and she turned out alright.
He raised her right
Rocked her through the night,
And she turned out just fine.


She graduated elementary,
Starting on a new journey.
The guys said;
"this stage is living hell."
With boys and friends,
And fights.
With God knows
what wasrunning through her head.

What guys? His friends? I'm confused on this part.

They were wrong,
She came home crying after one day. <one line
She said "Daddy, don't send me back to that place!"

Who was wrong?

Continuation from line before, no enter.The boys are rough,
The girls are mean,
They pick on me.

I just wanna stay here
with you Daddy,
You can teach me
I'll be good!
I'll study hard!
And prove them wrong."


He took her shopping,
even though he didn't understand<one line
When she talked about lace,
and a head band.
She spun around in her white wedding dress,
and said "Daddy, look now I'm a princess!"


*clicks imaginary like button*

I like the meaning of this song, it's very sweet and cute. The only thing that really bothered me was the punctuation. You gotta work on it. Also, look out for broken lines and Upper case letters! On the whole though, it was excellent.

<3,
Drama
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


-Richard Siken


Formerly SparkToFlame
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 988
Reviews: 2
Sun Jan 01, 2012 5:34 am
Sherly says...



Alright...I am not really much into criticizing ones grammatical error as long as I "feel" the message. All I can say is, on this writing I saw my childhood years and its a replica of my past. When you are tying to impress someone just to make them stay or keep you by their side. I know how it feels. Sparks already gave criticism on the punctuation and stuff. All in all, i like it because of the "connection"..It is worth reading. Thanks for the read Mari. -hugs-
  





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1247 Reviews

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Points: 57897
Reviews: 1247
Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:29 am
JabberHut says...



Dasia!

JASKLDF;ASDF

This is absolutely ADORABLE. I LOVED this so much. Bravobravobravo! The imagery was beautiful, and the story was told so WONDERFULLY. One of your best works, I think! I'd have liked this if I were able!

The easiest way I could tell this was awesome was the fact that I got goosebumps after I read the piece. That's a good sign that it was very effective in its reading. So wonderful!

The only part I'm a bit iffy on is the simplicity of the middle part. All those mini little stanzas are very brief in telling the very important part -- the climax, if you will -- of the story. I feel that should get just as much significance as the other parts though, so if it's possible? Maybe elaborate on that more or rewrite it so it's just as well-written as the rest!

All in all, this was beautiful. Great job, Dasia!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.
  





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65 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 248
Reviews: 65
Tue Jan 24, 2012 4:56 am
dasiamari says...



thanks you guys :P
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train
  








Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.
— Lemony Snicket