First verse, I give all a description, recommended by Dr.Dre, i guess it's a prescription. Coming from numuro uno so it's a first edition, got some winter fresh so these words are in mint condition. People try to take me down, get your coalition, president never remove me try to get 100 petitions, 15 year teen year old that can still get detention turning bosses into chickens, put you in the grease and frying pan while you're still kicking. I told you 4 times so you've been forewarned, ima make you wish u were never born, how'd you fail geometry when my words a form... of art. I told you from the start and i'm gonna keep telling you, I'm living high in the world, and you wont change my altitude, my attitude is known in every longitude and latitude from pole to pole, I be getting it in from the equator to the prime meridian. Cuz I'm prime time material, tell me i'm not and I might turn into a serial killer, cuz I cant handle a lie, I’m raising the bar on all you crows trying to pry.
Wow! I had to actually read it out loud (which was a lame attempt to rap) so that I could do it justice. I really like the message. As well, I liked that you did use any swears or racial slang - which is why I don't listen to most rap music.
Oh! It just dawned on me that this might not be a rap, but it feels like it.
Keep going - I can't wait for verse 2!
Life is not about how you sing in the sun, it is about how you dance in the rain.
I don't have much to go on, but from what I've read here, it seems you're going in a good direction! It would have been nice to see some formatting, and the use of chatspeak is just silly! But I can't ignore the content of the piece either, so I shall make a comment on that as well!
You seem to be going in the direction of a feeling-high-and-mighty song, and that's pretty awesome. You've used some metphors very effectively, making them last a few lines before moving on the next. You've got a good grasp on vocabulary, and it's done very well.
This may be due to the formatting, but I had a hard time tracking down the rhythm. I realize it's a rap, so you probably make it work anyway. xD
I think my biggest pick at this would be how... cliche it is? I think if you built on one or some of the metaphors more, you'd make this a bit more original and creative. Right now, it felt like a typical rap about being all-that. I wasn't as intrigued as I'd have liked to be. Still, you've got more to this song to write, by the sounds of it, so something to keep in mind as you continue!
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