Young Writers Society

Melody is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGC3MnH3 ... re=related
You can figure out how the song goes but it goes into the melody perfect.


You know…Sometimes it seems there is no point in fighting.
You are outnumbered, the pain and sadness is igniting
But never give up, give the resistance
Even though you are provided with very little subsistence

I tell you now: win for good
Even if it means battle the big hood
In the time the loses will rise
But its better then listing through your lies

My knuckles are broken
My head is cracked
My legs are torn apart
My spirit won’t die from the start

Your numbers are high
But you can still identify….The lie
Between the small cracks of your mind

From the start
the hatred rises
It destroys your spirit
I feel the crisis

You got to
Get rid of the wall
The barricade that prevents you
From standing tall

Your numbers are high
But you can still identify….The lie

Let go of the pain
Ignite away the stress
Thus you decrease the blain
Concentrate, and then… aggress

Your numbers are high
But you can still identify….The lie
Between the small cracks of your mind

Peace of spirituality
Sanity of your mentality
Contain only the goal
Now begin the fight, lets roll

Your numbers are high
But you can still identify….The lie
Between the small cracks of your mind

Lets go!

I’m ready to roll
Lets go
I’m ready to roll
Lets go

I’m never going to get down to your level
I will not allow the surface to bevel

I’m tired of the lies
I know
I’m tired of the lies
I know

You maybe can break my bones
But my soul wont be cut through the thorns

Don’t fear, be the resistance! (Echo)

Melody is
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGC3MnH3 ... re=related

Let me begin by saying, you really put yourself out there with this, so I commend you. When you say you wrote it for a friend, do you mean for a friend to rap or for you to rap to a friend? It's irrelevant anyway. On to the review!

I'm no huge fan of rap. From time to time I encounter rap artists that I respect - Lupe Fiasco springs to mind - but for the most part I don't find any rap lyrics hold much merit at all, they are the height of cliche, the same thing regurgitated by different mouths. This however, wasn't bad. I listened to the track, and you don't seem to have a hook, it just drums on, so I don't know how much control you have over the track itself, but if I were you I would put a break in there, a hook of sorts.

I think the lyrics above aren't suited to rap, per se. Because the unkind reality of rap music is it loses its appeal when you pepper it with preachy rhetoric, lines like:

be the resistance

and so on. That been said you probably haven't tapered this for commercial success, but if this is a route you are looking at one day pursuing, you should perhaps keep this in mind. You can be preachy as long as it is a subtle undercurrent, there if you care to find it, but not glaring. The song 'The coolest' is probably a good example of how a rap song can have a message whilst still appealing to the unwashed masses, those whom chose to bop their head and make assumptions of the rappers intent, rather than considering the lyrics themselves.

So with all that considered. I would say for your purposes this is great, a few lines in there read like poetry which is refreshing. So well done, nothing further. If you do decide to take this 'mainstream' throw in a few arbitrary boasts, charge it with unprecedented hubris, booty girls in the foreground and be damned!

Heya, Krusha!

So this was a neat piece, and I liked the message written in the song! It's very obvious, but you played with it very well so it wasn't too overpowering. Maybe a little, but hey! I don't listen to much rap, so I don't have much background to criticize that bit with.

In general, I think the song got confusing with the switching of audiences? The speaker speaks to a whimpy kid getting beat up, and then it suddenly switches to a bully. I don't know if that's common practice? But upon reading the piece itself, it was rather glaring and confusing.

Anyhoot, I did have a couple nitpicks as well as gushy compliments that I'd like to throw at you. Take them as you will!

You know…Sometimes it seems there is no point in fighting.
You are outnumbered, the pain and sadness is igniting
But never give up, give the resistance
Even though you are provided with very little subsistence

I really loved this first stanza. It was disappointing not to find another like this until the last couple lines in the song, but I guess that would be messing with the music a bit? Not sure, but something to look at if you wanted!

I tell you now: win for good
Even if it means battle the big hood
In the time the loses will rise
But its better then listing through your lies

I actually couldn't make a lick of sense out of this stanza. xD Maybe it's just me. The first line made sense! The rest didn't. Went right over my head!

My knuckles are broken
My head is cracked
My legs are torn apart
My spirit won’t die from the start

The first three lines here are awesome! I thought the last one was just a bit too wordy in comparison. Maybe it worked well with the music though?

You maybe can break my bones
But my soul wont be cut through the thorns

I love how you ended the song here. I love these two lines!

I think your song is on the right track though, so consider making a few edits as you wish. You're a very good lyricist, so I think any revision at all won't be that difficult for you. There were only some nitpicky bits concerning the structure, so I could probably be ignored. But I do think there is a little room for improvement! Like I said, it's still very good. Great job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Thank you guys
I will continue improveing my lyrics.
Yes I had to bend the lyrics a bit to the music. Its just I see artists make the music usually first and then do the same. So I do not know if its the right thing to do. But I never write a song unless if I give a 101% to it so I do take all your reviews to my hint book

Hey!

Great job! You were great expressing your feelings using words. The melody fit in quite nicely with the words. I liked it!