Young Writers Society

Please enjoy my work!

When my throat is so dry, I can't laugh, I just cough
And I'm still singing, only with the radio off
Don't act like you're so sure, you don't know what I'm after
I'm not really under the weather, I don't need that laughter


Take a walk around your block, when it's pouring rain and all the same
Look for a girl who's always home and you'll know it's her by her rotary phone
Look for a girl who's hard to know, you'll know it's her if she's sitting alone
Find a girl with an awkward smile, and you'll know it's her if she ain't no Queen of the Nile


When I can't function right, it's just because I couldn't sleep that night
And I'm always there, I just speak so loud that you can't hear(me)
Don't act like you don't know, when I know you do, you still lie low
Yes, I know what it is, that makes you act so confident


Take a walk around your block, when you get to her house don't forget to knock
Look for a girl with an overused mind, you'll know it's her if she still acts kind
Look for a girl who's never there, even when she's standing right in front of you
Find a girl with uneven eyes, and you'll know it's her if they stare you by


Look for a girl near a dark clothed man, you'll know it's her if she laughs with him
If you find her near an abandoned store, you'll know it's the girl you've been looking for
If you find her with him and his friends, you'll know what will happen if you butt in
If you find her near a sketchbook and pen, you'll know it's me and I'll be in my mind again
Come find me when you can

First thing first:

1. What style is this?
2. What's the beat you have mind?
3. Is there anything in terms of accompaniment I should know?

SkillzBeat wrote:When my throat is so dry, I can't laugh, I just cough
And I'm still singing, only with the radio off
Don't act like you're so sure, you don't know what I'm after
I'm not really under the weather, I don't need that laughter

First line, ok. Second line, decent. Third line? No, you're forcing these rhymes and singing the second part of the third gets ridiculously though with a blank beat. Plus the fourth line falls flat completely once we've heard the prior line. Just a big *THUD-ud* impression. Hanging chad type of idea: punch clean, leave no excess emotion up in the air. Just not how most music works now, and especially not how lyrics should appear.

Overall, it's not awful, but you need more physical concepts in the last two lines. Really make me think about what you mean so I can visualize what's happening. Let me close my eyes and hear your song and not think about the words.

Take a walk around your block, when it's pouring rain and all the same
Look for a girl who's always home and you'll know it's her by her rotary phone
Look for a girl who's hard to know, you'll know it's her if she's sitting alone
Find a girl with an awkward smile, and you'll know it's her if she ain't no Queen of the Nile

K, so here we have an immediate problem. You have the same line with added on parallelism, so the effect is whatever you use is going to start sounding stringy. By that I mean you'll get to the "pouring rain" section and the next thing we'll hear is "and all the same..." which is then followed by a line with no natural pause and then by a line that doesn't pause until halfway through. All carrying the same rhythm and parallel structure. It would be crucial here for me to compare style, beat, and singing voice actually to sample what this comes out like. Right now, I have major concerns due to structure. They're not awful lines really, but consider how a singer is going to have to say each and what ease they will have. Now, your final half of the fourth line is awful. I'm not sure if you were trying to be cute or witty, but it's too long, too sudden, and then not jarring enough. You would be better served if after "smile" you then almost instantly lead to "ain't no...", so you preserve cohesive rhythm.

When I can't function right, it's just because I couldn't sleep that night
And I'm always there, I just speak so loud that you can't hear(me)
Don't act like you don't know, when I know you do, you still lie low
Yes, I know what it is, that makes you act so confident

Huh. Where's the transition?

Take a walk around your block, when you get to her house don't forget to knock
Look for a girl with an overused mind, you'll know it's her if she still acts kind
Look for a girl who's never there, even when she's standing right in front of you
Find a girl with uneven eyes, and you'll know it's her if they stare you by


Look for a girl near a dark clothed man, you'll know it's her if she laughs with him
If you find her near an abandoned store, you'll know it's the girl you've been looking for
If you find her with him and his friends, you'll know what will happen if you butt in
If you find her near a sketchbook and pen, you'll know it's me and I'll be in my mind again
Come find me when you can

Yeah. so what happened to the transitions here? Almost completely parallel lyrics, albeit with ok physical/tangible/relate-able aspects, but this has a hard, hard time following itself. It sort of just wanders like Waldo, but is never found except for an too expected final line.

There's potential here, but for the sake of your singer and your listeners, think about how this will sound with a beat and figure out what style you aim for. Then reconsider some line and wording choices.

I'll take into consideration all that you say, but it makes perfect sense to me. When I play it, it sounds fine. I don't really have any of those transition problems or anything you mention, so you really lost me there. And, as I said, the lyrics make sense to me, so if you meant transition purely in the lyrics, then I don't see it.
I'm afraid you also lost me, talking about hearing it instead of thinking the lyrics. These are only the lyrics. All you can do is read them and think them. You needn't really do much else. Besides, it's not like a musician never made lyrics you had to think about. Maybe it's me who is understanding you wrong.
But thanks anyways for the review!

While it may seem fine to you, the rhyming does seem forced, the lyrics are mostly parallel, and it does seem to wander around with no destination. There's a difference between lyrics that you have to think about and lyrics that just don't make sense. They're up here for a second opinion, which we usually need. Lyrics are an important part of a song. Think of "Friday". Everyone makes fun of that song because of its horrible lyrics. Just because we haven't heard it doesn't mean we can't judge it. That's in response to what you said above.

As for the rest, what bothered me was the constant repitition. It gets redundant after a while. It's not awful, but it could definitely use some work. Try rewording it so that it fits together rather than seeming aimless and random. Also, don't make every line rhyme within itself. It just doesn't work, in my opinion. Hope I helped!

>>Annie<<

Thank you for the review.
I think yours made it a little bit clearer to me. I was aware this is not one of my best works, but I guess I just have fear of posting anything too dear to me on the internet. I wrote this piece just to get some words and thoughts out, but I knew they didn't work together properly.
Thanks again!

The lyrics were okay, for me to get a good idea of how this song is supposed to sound, you have to propose a beat, some music to go with this. Thats why I dont like the lyrics part of this site, its too.... bare? Not enouhg info, you need both parts of a song for it to work, music and lyrics. But the words werent bad, Keep Writing!

Thank you! And I agree, this writing isn't the best I could've done.