Young Writers Society

Hey there, this is my first post and all, a friend of mine tried to post this up, I was credited, but it got locked. This was one of the first full songs I ever put down on paper, and to be perfectly honest there are things I would change with it now. But hay, are we not here to learn, let me know what you think.


There's just a few little things that's been runnin' through my mind,

and I'm trying not to choke on the lack of evidence I find.

And I cannot comprehend how you've climbed above the rest,

when all you are about is hypocrisy and jest.

It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,

it's the major things you do like condescend to me.

And I see your eyes avert, forget all the stuff I ever said,

You left me up there man, yeah you left me for dead

(Chorus)

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity,

It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start.No, too late for change


I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced,

What was left was a hole, taken years to be replaced.

I fell apart then (yeah), on the outside people stared

And only then did I realise that, not even you cared

I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head,

But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead.

My heart shouts at me, saying why's it come to this?

But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss.

(Chorus)

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity,

It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.

You're blind to me, and that's never gonna' change.

Stop. Start. No, too late for change

And I see you there with your arm around another,

I wonder how she copes with you being such a brother.

'Cos you forgetting what we were, what you used to mean to me,

Seems that you prefer the image of your misogyny

I've said your blind to me, and I guess your not gonna' change

Stop. Start. No. Too late for change.

i like it, i guess it's a bit of rap!
you didn't stick with the grammar and punctuation rules, it's the style of rap,right?!
the flow of emotion clearly shows and it's very good piece I'd like to hear the music version of it
keep it up and try even more !!
P.s.
try to do more songs and stick with the English rules, it's pretty challenging!

Hello! I've never reviewed any lyrics before - it's not my forte! This piece is my first! OK, so, where do I start...I relate to Princess when she said that it's like a rap...is it? PM me if you fany letting me know. I liked it. It's kind of difficult when no music is accompanying the lyrics. But anyways, well done, keep up the good work!
~ Amelia

Cheers, like I said, early piece of work, my newer angles aren't so pretentious and "angsty" I hope. Yeah its rap sung, similar to Linkin Park, sung chorus with rapped lyrics, and to be honest I can't really remember the beat I had at the time. When you say stick with the English rules, what do you mean exactly?

Ok, like cos', somethin......!!!!
it supposed to be something, because! :D
you know " when i was new member?!" they kept on saying about following the rules. sorry i get contagious!

Hey there! So I'm not the best with lyrics but I thought I'd take a look and this is pretty cool. With your chorus, you should either just have (repeat chorus) rather than typing it out or should at least have a space between the repeated chorus and the next verse. I think you've got a really good rhythm though and I like the mixture of song and rap. Just a few comments:

There's just a few little things that's been runnin' through my mind,
and I'm trying not to choke on the lack of evidence I find.
And I cannot comprehend how you've climbed above the rest,
when all you are about is hypocrisy and jest.
It's not the little things that get me, no no sir-ee,
it's the major things you do like condescend to me.
And I see your eyes avert, forget all the stuff I ever said, <<<[I'd suggest cutting the ever here as it makes the line a little too long and breaks the flow.]
You left me up there man, yeah you left me for dead

(Chorus)

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity,
It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.
Your blind to me, and thats never gonna' change.
Stop. Start.No, too late for change [I think the chorus needs more to it. What there is is nice but it's a little vague and not really clear enough. It would be good to have more substance.]

I broke mirrors with my fists, from the anger that I faced,
What was left was a hole, taken years to be replaced. [This line is awkward! The first part is fine but the second is quite hard to read.]
I fell apart then (yeah), on the outside people stared
And only then did I realise that, not even you cared
I carry the scars with me now, on my arms and in my head,
But at least you've given me somethin' to write about instead.
My heart shouts at me, saying why's it come to this,
But if only looks could kill, life would be so fucking bliss.

(Chorus)

'Cos you forgetting who you were before all the popularity,
It's not my fault that you lack the gift of clarity.
Your blind to me, and thats never gonna' change.
Stop. Start.No, too late for change
And I see you there with your arm around another,
I wonder how she copes with you being such a brother.
'Cos you forgetting what we were, what you used to mean to me,
Seems that you prefer the image of your misogyny
Ive said your blind to me, and I guess your not gonna change
Stop. Start. No. Too late for change. <<<[I really like the end verse. I think that and your first are the strongest and then you lose it a bit in the chorus and second verse.]

Well I hope this helps a little. I won't comment on content since you've said it's old but yeah, the words are a bit too angsty and cliche in places but there's some lovely originality in others.

Hello there! A little review...




Please don't feel obliged to heed my advice. It's no more than my humble opinion

Keep up with the good work, mate!

I'm not sure what you mean by "Grammar and Punctuation rules" but 'Cos and runnin' for example are slang terms used in rap and if they're punctuated properly as they are here, with apostrophes to show where the missing letters should be, then it's fine. I wouldn't change it too much it kinda represents how you expressed yourself back then and I think people can relate to it :L So... great stuff Keep it up xXx

This was really good it flowed very good and the descriptions really brought life into this. I really enjoyed it and I can't wait to read more of your works XD. Keep up the good work and I shall await more eagerly. I hope you get many reviews that help you out. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3

I think this sounded pretty good, there really isn't anything that I think needs to be changed. Some people are mentioning that the flow is a little iffy in some places, but I don't think a 'flow' applies to music. They don't know how the actually song goes; it might go nice with the melody for all we know.

I'm wondering whether or not this is about a friend who gained popularity and began to ignore you and change, or possibly a girl/boy that you liked. The bridge made that a little bit confusing. I like how you admit to some of your emotions, it helps us understand the song more. Overall, great!

I really like these lyrics, I like the meaning of the lyrics, or at least what they meant to me.. The flow, it all made sense to me... I love it!!

Hey i really liked your lyrics and there is really nothing i would change! you did a really good job and you dont need to be worried about the song at all!

I see a lot of responses here, and am grateful for every single one.

NLPrincess13 wrote:Ok, like cos', somethin......!!!!
it supposed to be something, because! :D
you know " when i was new member?!" they kept on saying about following the rules. sorry i get contagious!

As far as I am aware, a forum is a place for the discussion and exchanging of ideas. Just because I have chosen to write something in a 'lax' style, does not mean it should be nit picked as a result. For example there are plenty of poets who have exerted words and letters from their works in order to create a desired effect, yet I do not see this sort criticism of such pieces. Furthermore, I would argue that an upload to this site should not have to blindly adhere to the conformities of the English language, If any changes / mistakes had been made deliberately. Responses and discussions however should be legible, correctly spelt, properly punctuated etc. So it is my duty to inform you that you have failed to capitalise two 'I's in your sentence, since we are being pedantic.

Kitty15 wrote:Well I hope this helps a little. I won't comment on content since you've said it's old but yeah, the words are a bit too angsty and cliche in places but there's some lovely originality in others.

Cheers for the detailed feedback on this one, although I don' feel the need to make some of the changes, I do agree with others. I don't think I will edit the work however, it is a rather old piece, and no longer reflects my style of writing in my own opinion. Thank you for the compliments throughout and advice thereafter, and for agreeing how pretentious the whole piece appears to be. Cheers once again.

Uldin wrote:Hello there! A little review...

Please don't feel obliged to heed my advice. It's no more than my humble opinion

Keep up with the good work, mate!

Similar to my last, again thank you for the advice and feedback, as well as compliments, however I don't think I will be acting on them. Thank you once again.

Soulkana wrote:This was really good it flowed very good and the descriptions really brought life into this. I really enjoyed it and I can't wait to read more of your works XD. Keep up the good work and I shall await more eagerly. I hope you get many reviews that help you out. Good luck and Happy Writing!!!!!
Soulkana<3

Thank you Soulkana.

housecat wrote:I think this sounded pretty good, there really isn't anything that I think needs to be changed. Some people are mentioning that the flow is a little iffy in some places, but I don't think a 'flow' applies to music. They don't know how the actually song goes; it might go nice with the melody for all we know.

I'm wondering whether or not this is about a friend who gained popularity and began to ignore you and change, or possibly a girl/boy that you liked. The bridge made that a little bit confusing. I like how you admit to some of your emotions, it helps us understand the song more. Overall, great!

Haha, this is a brilliant interpretation, and very close indeed. Thank you for the compliments, and although I would agree that written lyrical bars can be judged for flow, I would agree also with your statement that with a beat and melody, loop or what have you, a song can sound entirely different. For example, Jay Z's track: Empire State of Mind, is almost unreadable on paper.

ThornedRose wrote:I really like these lyrics, I like the meaning of the lyrics, or at least what they meant to me.. The flow, it all made sense to me... I love it!!

peachygirl101 wrote:Hey i really liked your lyrics and there is really nothing i would change! you did a really good job and you dont need to be worried about the song at all!

Cheers for both of these positive reviews.


Big thanks go out to everyone who has helped review this so far, and all the likes, comments feedback and all the other 'gumpf' which makes this site seem so appealingly welcome.

Hi there! This is great and it flowed well. The message is clear (or at least it is to me). Just one thing.

BetaTested wrote:Stop. Start.No, too late for change

I think it should be "Stop. Start.But, it's too late for change" but that's proberly just me and my (sometimes silly) ideas.
That is all really. Keep writing!

I'm afraid I can't add a lot that the previous reviewers haven't already, but I agree that these are good lyrics (better than lots of first songs I've seen). My only negative query would be, in the third line of the chorus did you mean "You're blind..." instead of "Your"? But the content itself seems fine for an early work and I can't wait to read further pieces.