Young Writers Society

As I cease to breathe
And I rot to bones
I can see the me
beneath heavy stones

Their eyes seem to mourn
as their heads sink low
Their hearts, one, are torn
I'm sinking below

Crows peck the stones to move
They look for eye juice to taste
Crows peck the stones to move
Their calls echoe such disgrace
...mine

The day I loved, she died
puss and vomit poured
The day she loved, I cried
Locked away, abhored

Close by I held her near
amid the oozing wounds
Her voice came faint to hear
Wrapped her in a cocoon
As the night took her away
To a better place away

Crows peck the stones to move
They look for eye juice to taste
Crows peck the stones to move
Thier calls echoe such disgrace
...mine
...ours
...hers

The night took her away
No light embraced my love
The night took me away
No light encircled our love

Cast aside to die inside
There's no way out
no way out
Left alone to die inside
There's no way out
no way out
The Crows do peck and scratch on the door
Embracing the inevitable

...X marks the spot

Review will follow in suit.

Hello there, crestfallen. I heard you were in need of some reviews, so here I am to oblige.

First things first, darling: your formatting. Quite frankly, it is a sight that makes for sore eyes. Having a space in between each line is visually confusing and adds even more unnecessarily to the length of this. In short, this is not at all friendly to your readers' eyes, and so the initial and instinctive reaction of most potential readers is to click away and spare themselves the eyestrain.

However, as I came in here to review you properly, I shall persevere.

As I cease to breathe
And I rot to bones
I can see the me
beneath heavy stones

Not bad as far as a beginning goes once the excessive spacing is removed. A bit vague, but if you build upon this opening, it would be quite solid. Unfortunately, you do not, instead jumping to this:

Their eyes seem to mourn
as their heads sink low
Their hearts, one, are torn
I'm sinking below

Who are this sudden "they"? How do eyes "seem" to mourn when it is the rest of the body that is gesturing? How does "their" hearts being torn relate to the narrator's sinking? Where to is the narrator sinking?

Now, while bringing up questions is a necessary technique to keep your readers (or listeners, were this set to music and sung) interested in your piece, bringing up too many questions at once when others have yet to be answered is a rather great way to deter readers as people tend to like to know (or at the least have an inkling of) what exactly is going on. Right now, there is only the vaguest of inklings, one which has been buried beneath the deluge of yet-unanswered questions.

And from the look of things thus far, it does not seem likely that you will be answering most of them.

Crows peck the stones to move
They look for eye juice to taste
Crows peck the stones to move
Their calls echoe such disgrace
...mine

Why, oh why, darling, is this section italicized? Separation into its own verse via spacing would make more sense. As it stands, the italics come across as gimmicky and amateurish.

Also, crows peck stones to move what? "Eye juice" is a laughably horrendous phrase; it is appropriate in a parody, however I do not believe that was the tone you were striving to achieve. Lastly, if you put "Their calls echoe such a disgrace...mine", you will find that a) there is rather egregious a misspelling and b) it does not make much sense as a sentence. "Their calls echo a soul's disgrace...mine" is a bit more sensible, though no less trite. If you are going to employ common associations such as crows being disgraceful or a mark thereof, the least you could do is make the effort to put a more unique spin upon it. At the very least, it will lend your writing more originality and memorability rather than inundate it with the inevitable perception of banality that comes with utilizing common themes and such wholesale.

The day I loved, she died
puss and vomit poured
The day she loved, I cried
Locked away, abhored
Close by I held her near
amid the oozing wounds
Her voice came faint to hear
Wrapped her in a cocoon
As the night took her away
To a better place away

Coherency is sorely lacking here, especially in the first four couplets. An echo is one thing, however, no echo is indicated in a way that would be apparent to one reading these lyrics. In addition, if you could recall the questions I brought up earlier? None of them have been answered. Instead, you pile upon your poor reader more and more questions without answers. It appears to me a shoddy attempt to be "deep" and "mysterious". As you can likely tell from my commentary thus far, such an attempt has rather miserably failed.

Your rhyming also leaves quite a bit to be desired, but I shall cover that later in my overview at the end as this is a recurring issue throughout these lyrics.

The Crows do peck and scratch on the door
Embracing the inevitable
...X marks the spot

Where did the door come from? Who is embracing the inevitable? The crows? The narrator? Her? And wherever did "X marks the spot" come from, and to what does it refer? Questions, questions, questions, and no answer is what we have here, and it is especially obvious here at the end. Endings are supposed to be resolutions, but here you have an ending where nothing is resolved, no questions are answered.

Quite frankly, these lyrics disappoint on almost every level. You had a promising start, but it all quickly degenerated from there into a mire of vagueness and idea-hopping. In addition, your rhythm (and, resultantly, rhyme) were quite off in places. Flow is absolutely essential in lyrics; destroy the flow, and you have destroyed the very core of your lyrics. One particularly noticeable example are these lines:

amid the oozing wounds
[...]
Wrapped her in a cocoon

Say these lines aloud to yourself. Notice how the pattern of syllable emphasis is different between them. Such a difference is fatal, especially as you are utilizing a slant rhyme here. While slant rhymes can work, they require a solid adherence to the established rhythm -- the shift in syllable emphasis destroys that rhythm, which in turn leads to a failed slant rhyme.

You have a number of other cases of shifting rhythm, however, I expect you will be able to discover them on your own with some careful readings through of your work. Reading your work aloud will allow you to discover them more easily, I have found.

In addition, you had more than one misspelling. Having misspellings in your works severely detracts from their effectiveness and appeal, reflecting upon you poorly; after all, if you cannot be bothered to weed out every typo (all of them easily detected by a spelling checker), why should we readers be bothered to read, much less review, your work?

And on that note, darling, I shall stop here as this review is growing rather overly long. I hope you are able to take something from this and use it to improve this and future works.

wow you really think you know your stuff...lol. What words were mispelled? I don't think there are too many mispelled words. I"m not sure why you said that. And as for the "eye juice" bit, it's a known fact that crows go for the eyes first. If you had any knowledge about crows you'd know that. So to me it's not laughable.

As for the format...how many times do I have to tell you people that THE SITE KEEPS POSTING IT LOOKING LIKE THIS. This is one thing I do not like about this site. The first lyric I posted turn out very well with no double spacing whatsoever, but every thing I posted since keeps being formatted in double space. For some reason it keeps posting it in double space.

As for the "italics" which you said was immature was used to seperate the chorus from the verses because I knew the site was automatically going to post it double spaced. So before calling someone immature for using italics ask why they used it first.

The bit about so many "questions" is a bit silly to me to as why you would say something like that. To have the reader question the piece is a great strategy because it makes them think of what the author could possibly be talking about.

This lyric was describing a historical event that occured during the middle ages.
But since you obviously couldn't piece it together I will further enlighten you

As I cease to breathe
and I rot to bones
I can see the me
Beneath heavy stones

Their eyes seem to mourn
As their heads sink low
Their hearts, one, are torn
I'm sinking below

The first portion explains the aftermath of the individual's death. It was a known fact that many people afflicted during this event in the middle ages were burried in shallow graves sometimes they would just throw rocks atop of the dead who were afflicted.

The second portion "their eyes seem to mourn/As their heads sink low/ Their hearts, one, are torn" if you'd knew any method of imagery it's obviously a description of saddness. The "sinking below" part is simply explaining that eventually as the body decays that the body (if left unattended by animals) will, eventually, be swallowed up by the earth (again was an obvious description)

Now for the chorus.

Crows peck the stones to move
They look for eye juice to taste
Crows peck the stones to move
Their calls echoe such disgrace
Mine

Like I mentioned before crows are known for going for the eyes first because of the juice that's inside of the eyes. "They look for eye juice to taste" is referring to the crows (I can't believe you didn't get that, since crows was mention in the sentence before that). "Their calls echoe such disgrace" as nothing to do with any crows emotion. It was the dead individual feeling disgraced on how he died and how the people treated him and the person he loved.

Now for the next two portions

The day I loved, she died
Puss and vomit poured
The day she loved, I cried
locked away, abhored

Close by I held her near
amid the oozing wounds
Her voice came faint to hear
Wrapped her in a cocoon
As the night took her away
To a better place away

This describes that while being placed in the same place he falls in love with someone who later dies of a disease. In which, above describes some of the symptoms. "Wrapped her in a cocoon" simply describes how he wrapped her in a blanket after she died

Okay now for the last part

The night took her away
No light embraced my love
The night took me away
No light encircled our love

Cast aside to die inside
There's no way out
No way out
Left alone to die inside
There's no way out
No way out
The crows do peck at scratch at the door
Embracing the inevitable

...X marks the spot

The first portion simply describes about both of them dying and that he felt that God being represented by "the light" didn't care about him and his lover. The crows scratching on the door embracing the inevitable quite simply explains that the crows somehow knew that they were going to die . The "cast aside to die inside" further explains the "door" in which you were confused about. During this event during the middle ages in was well known that people were placed in houses and an X was marked on their doors to indicate that afflicted were inside.

In case you still don't understand what the whole thing is about
Let me tell you now

It's about the Black Death

There may be mistakes in this comment because I am in a hurry

Thanks to Snoink I was able to fix the double spacing thing.

Don\'t listen to him/her
This song was amazing in my mind and you are write there are no mispellings at all in this lyrics. I\'m not sure what he/she was seeing. Keep up the good work!!