Young Writers Society

This song is one I wrote around a week ago. I have the tune sorted, but the accompaniment needs quite a bit of work... It's based on a TV series a used to watch a long time ago.

What You Really Mean yo Me

You know I'm always there for you;
I'd only leave if you asked me to.
Our conversations could last a million years.
You never know just what to say
But I'd rather you keep it that way
Because everything you say
Makes it a perfect moment.

CHORUS
When I see you there every day
My heart races; breath's taken away
I know we could spend
An eternity together.
You're my best friend and so much more
The only thing worth fighting for to me.
It's a question that my heart just seems to send:
'Why are we just friends?'

You talked to me last night: I wept
Until that moment that I slept
Because you make my life worth living,
But I just sat there on my own:
A crubbling dream; A broken home
Wishing you could cradle me and then
Tell me, 'I love you too.'

CHORUS

What I wouldn't give
What I wouldn't take away
To make sure you're by my side every day.
I wish that you'd see it's not some cliche
But it probably is anyway
For me to be in love with you.

CHORUS
When I see you there every day
My heart races; my breath's taken away
I know we could spend
An eternity together.
You're my best friend and so much more
You're the only thing worth fighting for
And I just wish that you could see
How beautiful you are to me
I wish that all my thoughts were free
So you could know
What you really mean to me.

Hey!

Well, first things first...this seems to be a love song which isn't really my thing. It bugs me how artists these days seem to have only love, break-ups and partying to write about BUT it depends on which genre this song fits into and if these lyrics have a signicant meaning to you, I won't argue. xD

I don't usually review lyrics but here are a couple of points to help you out:

You're my best friend and so much more
The only thing worth fighting for to me.

Probably have to here the tune to see if this fits, but do you really need the 'to me' on the end?
It makes more sense if it's just 'You're my best friend and so much more, The only thing worth fighting for.'

Wishing you could cradle me and then
Tell me, 'I love you too.'

Not too keen on this. It's obvious the song's about love so don't use the word love in a love song. It's cheesy. (wow, how much love can you have in one sentence!? xD) The best songs are those with deeper meanings, in which the listener has to decipher the meaning.

You talked to me last night: I wept
Until that moment that I slept

The word 'that' is overused here. I think this would make more sense:

'You talked to me last night: I wept
Until the moment that I slept.

Other points: Don't use the words 'me' and 'my' so often. It get's repetitive.

So, like I said, love songs aren't my cup of tea. The lyric 'I know, we could spend an eternity together' is corny. But that's just one person's opinion! Other people like love songs, especially if they are experiencing love. Also, lyrics aren't the only thing to make a song...melody and other things count too! But from what you have here...I think it's quite sweet!

Keep Writing!
-Sops.

Sorry I took so long to get to this, but I kept forgetting and getting more homework and ... yeah.
Sheesh, I really need to give up with the excuses.
(But just so you know, the above were true.)

Okay, so - I know your previous reviewer actually had no idea about what (and who - lol) this poem is for, and thought it was just another love song. (I think it's great.) I however am in on it, as you know, so, bearing that in mind - here I go.

You're my best friend and so much more
The only thing worth fighting for to me.

Unless it mucks up the rhthym of the tune, definitely remove the words I have highlighted.

You talked to me last night: I wept
Until that moment that I slept.

I know this has already been said as well, but I do think that the first 'that' should be replaced with 'the'.

But I just sat there on my own:
A crubbling dream; A broken home

I think you mean 'crumbling' here!

What I wouldn't give
What I wouldn't take away
To make sure you're by my side every day.

I know what you're trying to say here, but I still think the phrasing is slightly awkward. I don't mean for you to change this, as I can't see how best to do it, but I just thought I'd point it out.

Nothing else grammatical, really. I'd like to remark that the feelings expressed seem very real and that it doesn't seem like a Mary-Sue-type thing. You probably don't know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, as I've already said, it's a great song. And your previous reviewer did not know either how brilliant a singer you are, or how amazing the tune is. I'll credit that to you.
So, Sensei, I take my leave. Happy writing!
- Ignis