Young Writers Society

note: Horse is older slang for Heroin. I wonder if the imagery and story make sense to a listener, or if the idea is full. Too caught up in itself? Not totally clear?


Officer, officer arrest me please
I found her broken, lying on the ground
Her hands were bleeding, praying between her knees


I told the girl that I loved her so
But to save me the trouble
She said “let's just be friends”
And officer, Oh she broke my heart so


I wandered for miles, finding
Gin in a bottle at the end of each dirt road
And I even took horse in remorse
Outside of a little moonshines' château.
I figured it was just like the main course


Oh officer can't you agree? See me
And my heart don't like to part
It's gone and made me lose my mind
But the girl officer, she's the one
Who put my heart to the gun.

Hello!

You had some really interesting imagery here. I especially loved the imagery of the last two lines. I think you have a really good start. The lyrics are a bit caught up in themselves, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think that's part of the charm.

Because this is in the lyrics section, I'm assuming this is meant to be a song. The first problem is that it's a bit short to be a song. Not in terms of time, but in terms of concept. It feels like it's missing something vital between the second and third stanza. You do a wonderful job of giving me sense for the speaker, but what about the girl? Without the full picture of the girl, I can't bring myself to really feel anything for the speaker.


Right now, it's a bit cryptic, but with a little more detail and clarity, I think it has potential.

Write On,
Lette ~

I liked the lyric, good job. And perhaps it's short it written form but when sung he could always repeat something from the lyric to make it longer.

hey.
this is going to be quick:
i love the imagery, how you portray the scene, i love how i can actually see what is happening. nice play of words too. i think this could have a potential for a song. keep writing.

Heyyy....I love what you wrote! It is a simply a work of art! How did you get the idea?