Young Writers Society

Hey, here's this song I've written. It's a pretty fast paced pop-rock song. Verses are a little slower than the chorus. Looking forward to get some feedback on it, because the idea for it has been sitting inside me for awhile.

[VERSE 1]
I don’t like people,
That’s just a fact.
So you must be an alien,
Or maybe just a yak.
Because you’re not like the others,
Which is why I seem to care,
About your, well, feelings
How no one treats you fair.


And you start crying alone,
Got kicked out of your own home.
You think you have no place in this world,
But let me in, I’ll let you see
How it is to be, me.


[CHORUS]
And I’ll say
F the world, F the World
If they say you’re not beautiful
Screw the world, screw the world
If they kick you while you’re down
End the world, end the world,
If they push your life and love away,
We could run away from it tonight.


[VERSE 2]
You finally smile,
while we’re walking in the hall
Perhaps who you love,
Isn’t wrong after all.
But their faces tell you otherwise,
With the look of disgust
Come on, just remember
Not everybody hates people like us


And you’re crying there alone,
Friends betray, true colors shown.
You think you have no place in this world,
But let me in, I’ll let you see
How it is to be, me.


[Chorus]
And I’ll say
F the world, F the World
If they say you’re not beautiful
Screw the world, screw the world
If they kick you while you’re down
End the world, end the world,
If they push your life and love away,
We could run away from it tonight.


[Bridge]
The world’s one screwed up place,
War and death commonplace,
Let’s give up the hopeless fight... (fight) (fight) (fight)


[Chorus]
And I’ll say! (F the world, F the world, If they say you’re not beautiful)
And I’ll say! (Screw the world, screw the world, If they hit you while you’re down)
And I’ll say, y-eah, y-eah, yeah…
We could run away from it-
Tonight, tonight, tonight, to-night. To...night.

Hey!
I really like it!! I really like the chorus

Wariofart wrote:Come on, just remember
Not everybody hates people like us

I love this line!
I would really like to hear you sing it.
Well done

Oh I forgot to say the one thing I didn't like was the use of the word yak... maybe you could find a better rhyme for fact?

I don't think saying F the world is appropriate EVER. That's extremely rude. There are many other ways to express how you feel without using derogatory language. Those who are able to control their emotions both in their actions and writings show they are mature. Bridle your tongue.

[VERSE 1]

I don’t like people,

That’s just a fact.

So you must be an alien,

Or maybe just a yak. The rhyming seems forced here. Try to think of a better line to replace that one.

Because you’re not like the others,

Which is why I seem to care,

About your, well, feelings. Add a period there.

How no one treats you fair.



And you start crying alone,

Got kicked out of your own home.

You think you have no place in this world,

But let me in, This should be a semicolon. I’ll let you see

How it is to be, No comma there. me.


[VERSE 2]

You finally smile,

While we’re walking in the hall

Perhaps who you love,

Isn’t wrong after all.

But their faces tell you otherwise,

With the look of disgust

Come on, just remember

Not everybody hates people like us. Add a period there.



And you’re crying there alone,

Friends betray, true colors shown.

You think you have no place in this world,

But let me in, Semicolon. I’ll let you see

How it is to be, No comma. me.


[Bridge]

The world’s I think this would sound better as "world is". one screwed up place,

War and death commonplace, I think you could find a better line here. Besides, "commonplace" isn't so much as rhyme with "place" as a word with place on the end, making it sound as though you rhymed a word with the same word.

Let’s give up the hopeless fight... (fight) (fight) (fight)


[Chorus]

And I’ll say! (F the world, F the world, If they say you’re not beautiful.) Add a period there.

And I’ll say! (Screw the world, screw the world, If they hit you while you’re down.) There too.

And I’ll say, y-eah, y-eah, yeah…

We could run away from it-

Tonight, tonight, tonight, to-night. To...night. This is VERY repetitive. Maybe it works with the song, but it seems like it would get on peoples' nerves. (Like Justin Bieber! Baaaby, baaaby, baaaby, NOOOO...Yeah, he sucks.)

Okay. Down to business. I only reviewed the chorus once because...you know, once is enough. I like the idea, really I do, but it seems a little bit like the ever-so-irritating "Nobody understands me!" cry. The chorus ending, "We could run away from it, tonight", is cliche. Off the top of my head, I could probably name at least two other songs that run along those lines. If you could change that one line to something fresh and original, it will transform the entire song. It will seem less cliche, more original, and overall more interesting to listen to.

As for the whole "F the world" deal...you shouldn't ever say F something unless you're writing dialogue or speaking out loud. Either you say the actual word, or you don't use it. It shows you don't feel as strongly about the topic as you claim to, and quite honestly, sounds odd. It also may be offensive to some people (See: Snickers5's review.), though I don't think it's fair to call you immature, rude, and inappropriate. So if you're already going to offend people by saying "F the world", you may as well say the actual word. Just opinions here.

Hope I helped!

>>Annie<<

I like it other than the starting. it's a little odd. this is only my honest opinion. but I like the rest.

I agree with Razcood...I think that's the person's name. If you don't want to say the F word then don't put "F The world" that part of the song was really stupid and came off being very annoying. Then again the whole song was a bit annoying..lol. Sorry that's just how I felt. Keep writing though

Well..I must disagree with the people that didnt like this song because of the use of the "F" word...I mean sure its not a bright word, but seriously this isnt the elementary school.

The song was okay...It had a positive message (love exists in everyone & we must accept others) but in the same time it contained a negative one too because the main character in the song thinks its bad to hate other people yet he hates many people himself. I find it very annoying when the singer is being a hypocrite.

Also please take away the word yak. It seems forced.

Other wise I enjoyed the beat in the song, I liked the rhyming (just dont force it all the time)

I like it... it's different from what I've seen on here. Good job The first line was great!