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Young Writers Society


Knives and jewels



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7 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1302
Reviews: 7
Fri Sep 24, 2010 8:13 am
jake457 says...



This a kind of old song but I think it has some good to it.

(bass and drums)
we all, sit here
on our, own now
make it, feel like
hoping how? (how)


(acoustic/electric start playing)
when we feel alone,
we feel at loss
and we need a loan
from the big boss
now-
(drums kick in)


chorus
What is known!
What is honed!
from these lil’ lies
multicoloured eyes
refracting light
on their tears
everyone tell me
your fears


why am I, why are you
in so much pain
you would think
playing the, same old game
would give us the-
advantage


so who’s to blame
not me you
not no one
just a fact of life
and being human
is about lying
rather than trying


but that only so
till we got our backs
up against the wall-
‘cause that’s, when we think
and change-


chorus


so now you see
the meaning of this
deluded treachery
‘cause everyone is
in- pain
and needs to-
get some gain


so these lyrics, don’t have meaning
it’s just me dreaming
of when my friends, stop bitching
but that’s how it ends
they turn around, fall to the ground
(acoustic fade)
just- paint
this pretty picture
with knives and jewel
like eyes….
Last edited by jake457 on Sun Sep 26, 2010 11:29 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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362 Reviews



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Reviews: 362
Sun Sep 26, 2010 12:52 am
wonderland says...



First off
Knives and jewels-nice title

second off-I suck at reviewing song lyrics, but i'll give it a shot

Your chorus has a bunch of awesome imagery that is super strong and paints a good picture. Really, i have no otherf comments, except maybe you should mark out the verses. Then it's more clear for the reader
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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7 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1302
Reviews: 7
Sun Sep 26, 2010 11:31 am
jake457 says...



Thanks! I was trying to get the empathic/imagery to the song, the chorus had alot of tweaking so it means alot :) Also, just change the formatting, any better?
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 11:15 pm
LadyPurple says...



jake457 wrote:Thanks! I was trying to get the empathic/imagery to the song, the chorus had alot of tweaking so it means alot :) Also, just change the formatting, any better?

Hey Jake! I like this formatting. Anyway, The song is pretty good and Wicked added some good stuff to say. So I haven't much to add.... Well I hope you keep writing!
~Ladypurple.
You're new? Great seas! Why haven't you gone to the Buddy System yet?



You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
~Rosey Unicorn
  





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Fri Feb 11, 2011 6:02 pm
crestfallen says...



It would have been better without the instruments that you intend to play in parentheisis. I also don't understand why this was in the rating 18. There's nothing here that would warrant such a rating...but oh well.
  





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7 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1302
Reviews: 7
Tue Feb 15, 2011 12:59 pm
jake457 says...



I have to rate everything 18 because of 'profanitive' text that may arouse.
  








If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde