Young Writers Society

Black horses in the sea,
Oh, they’re pulling at me.
See the dark close
Around
Oh, velvet blackness,
Not a sound.
Watch memories.
They’re drifting by.
Of truth and virtue,
Death and lies.
Icy water
Hears my cry
Moon at surface
Stars flit by
Paper flowers
Blood and bone
Dark love and hatred
But im alone
On the surface, truth is cruel

But death’s embrace brings
Calm and cool
And so I lie beneath the sea
where black black horses
Surround me.




sorry its so short, im still working on it

First of all, great poem!

I would have thought that this was one of those poems where there is no punctuation, but you use it at first, so, just a few nitpicks...

Moon at surface, either a period or a comma can go here
Stars flit by.
Paper flowers,
Blood and bone, same here
Dark love and hatred,
But I'm alone.
On the surface, truth is cruel.

But death's embrace brings
Calm and cool. You know, it's funny, but this is also a brand of tranquilizer for horses, lol!
And so I lie beneath the sea
Where black, black horses
Surround me.

Again, great rhythm in this poem- I love the "'Where black, black horses (enter key) Surround me.'" Poems like this are really deep, and are centered mostly on feeling- they're always exciting to read, and you really kept my attention

~Mel

Hello! I'm not fantastic in reviewing lyrics, so forgive any nonsense that you may read.

You have a very cool concept here! As usual, I wish I could hear the song; but even if I could, I guess you're not finished with it! In fact, maybe this is why I'm struggling to make sense of it.

The message is difficult for me to find here, so forgive me for the rambling in this next paragraph. ;D But it sounds like the singer is in some sort of turmoil, and they're being dragged down deeper and deeper into this depression. The singer is calling out for help, but no one seems to hear them, and eventually he is trapped with these black horses of turmoil.

Nooot sure if that's right though. Maybe if you finished it, I'd make more sense of it.

Icy water
Hears my cry
Moon at surface
Stars flit by

Not a fan of this stanza. I've read this whole song about ten times, and I still stumble over these lines. I keep wanting to say "icy waters hear my cry" if anything. Also, what does it mean that the moon's at the surface? I'm thinking you mean just above water. Would this be the correct assumption? But the stars line is good to enforce my theory on the message (of the singer being ignored).

You've got some very cool lines in here to back your message, assuming it's anywhere near what I thought the message was. I hope you finish this song soon! And the message is almost always found within the refrain/chorus, so whatever that may be, work it in there and make sure it's perfectly perfect. ;D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Well, thanks for reviewing a piece of mine, so now it's time to return the favor!

Anyway, I didn't expect to like this poem at all. Maybe it was my hatred for this rhyme scheme or the fact that it just didn't look appealing to me the way it was formatted, but I really didn't expect much. So I was surprised when I really did like this. There's something about it that flows really well and portrays a vivid message that I love.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hi, dreamy155
I like this, it is a very easy, accessible song lyrics, I can almost imagine A tune to them. I like that the lines themselves are very short, like little flashes of images. The only problem with it is that i can't fully grasp what it's trying to tell me, it obviously has a depressing tone to it, but I'm not sure of the actual concept. Beside that, good job.

This is a cool poem! I like the way you used black horses.

Keep writing,
Alzora

I like the format you used and the stark imagery conjured up from the context. Very nicely written, a bit confusing at times, but sometimes poetry's meant to be like that and I think it works perfectly for your piece. Well done.

Amy.

Dreamy115 wrote:Of truth and virtue,
Death and lies.

This part in particular is my favorite just the way it sounds.
The poem itself is so dark, I love it!
It really made me want more.