Young Writers Society

Chorus:
If I could take all your pain
If I could make you stay
If I could wash away your vain
Then I would

If I wanted to lose
If I wanted to choose
Then I would

If I needed to run
If I needed to lie
If I needed to shed the light on this darkness in your heart
Then I would do it for you

1st verse
It’s easier to close your eyes
And let it all be
But time will not stop by
And let you change your mind

There’s something wrong
I can feel it under my skin
The shadows fall upon us
But I won’t stay for long

(Chorus)

2nd verse
Holding onto something left to fray
Replacing your pain with anger
Letting your emotions fill with vain
Who let you down again?

There’s nothing else but you
You’re hurting you and me
You’re throwing away all we had
All that we’ve been through

Please,
Just hold on
The pain will cripple you
And time will heal you
This is the way it goes

Bridge
Don’t push it aside,
Don’t let it fray
I won’t let you forget
And I won’t let you go
There’s nothing that we can’t change
(There’s nothing we can’t change...)
Chorus (x2)

Hai there!

Firstly I really like these lyrics. They seem to flow so perfectly. However at first glance I was worried about the little use of grammar; correction no use of grammar. But once reading it through I realized that the use of grammar would probably disrupt the flow. So good choice in that respect! However from reading the bridge, I then see that you put in a random stray comma, I'd get rid of it otherwise it doesn't fit in with the way you've written the rest of the lyrics.

Other than that I think it's really good and I'd like to see more of your work

Well done!

Yo!

If I could take all your pain
If I could make you stay
If I could wash away your vain
Then I would

Wait, vain? what? How do you wash away vain? Vain is a characteristic, and adjective, a descriptive word. It's not something that's washed off. I've never heard of this. Whaaaat? What are you trying to say, here? Am I bugging out over a typo O.o If so, sorry, but why repeat pain? You should have another word here.

If I wanted to lose
If I wanted to choose
Then I would

It sounds like you're choosing words just for their ability to rhyme. Don't. Choose them for their meaning, for their impact on the reader. Rhyme comes second.

It’s easier to close your eyes
And let it all be
But time will not stop by
And let you change your mind

There’s something wrong
I can feel it under my skin
The shadows fall upon us
But I won’t stay for long

Better, much better. I think you should take out "all" in the second line, and change "upon" to on.

Holding onto something left to fray
Replacing your pain with anger
Letting your emotions fill with vain
Who let you down again?

That's better. I can roll with the emotions filled with vain line. It just didn't make sense to me in that first stanza.

Overall, you have a really good poem, here. I just think it needs a bit of tweaking.

I understood what you meant about "washing the vain away" part. I don't understand how that other person who questioned that didnt' understand that. Anyway, I liked these lyrics even though it didn't flow well with me. I'm no expert at writing lyrics either and people don't always get what I'm talking about..and I don't care if they don't understand and you shouldn't care either..if it makes sense to you..that's all that matters.

Good job