Young Writers Society

This is rather good. You did a great job with this. Just on thing, in the first and last part you rhymed every two lines like this,

BetaTested wrote:Things I never did, and people never met,
All the wrong choices made, so easy to forget.
But when I look back now, on what I did back then,
I wish I had the chance, to do it all again.

Then in the middle you rhymed every four lines like this,

BetaTested wrote:Think of someone like me, try’na find my destiny
Don’t know where I'll go, or who I’m gunna be
Never good at anything, but this comes naturally
And no matter what I do, this is what I wanna be

I'm not sure if it sounds right to me, but in the end these are your lyrics so it might sound right to you. Keep writing!

I've only had a quick scan through the other reviews so please forvive me if I repeat anything. With that said, I think you've got some alright lyrics here. I'm not the best at following rap but I read it through while listening to the beat and it seems to fit pretty well. A few comments on the words themselves though:

Things I never did, and people never met,
All the wrong choices made, so easy to forget.
But when I look back now, on what I did back then,
I wish I had the chance, to do it all again. <<<[I think your lyrics don't reflect the first verse. After this point, they're all filled with regret over getting bad grades and not much else and there isn't a strong enough sense that they'd go back and do it again. What I've noticed with rap is that the best rap is where there's a whole conversation going on either in one person's head or between two people or both in fact, and there's a lot of conflict, attempts to make decisions. It would be really cool if you had this so that the personas are filled with regret, yes, but they also loved that they had a good time and they don't know if they'd really do things differently. That would give you the chance to bring in specific events they may be considering re-doing and then remembering why they did it that way. Rap always seems to be at least partly about loving the bad boy image so try to get some of those details in there. Specifically how did they mess up? Was there a crazy party before one of their exams where they meant to be good but ended up smoking drugs which led to making out with a lamp post and sleeping outside on the cold gravel then falling asleep in the exam?]

Now we do what we do, and we do it cos its good,
Or cos we know we can, or cos we think we should.
But I never looked ahead, just played the here and now,
Never making the most of what time would allow. <<<[This line felt a little awkward, maybe take another look.]

Yeah when I was in school I cared more for having fun
But now I'm nearly out, and I wish I hadn't done
And when it’s all over, I won't fail cos I'm dumb
I guess making money's more important to some <<<[Not sure how much I like these last two lines and then it goes on to the whole rap thing which just feels really out of place. There's not enough build up to that and it makes it sound like the person doesn't even care they got the bad grades because they just want to rap anyway. I don't know, it just feels like the two sections don't really fit together.]

Not sure about the end verse either. To be honest, I think you should probably keep your early verses but then start over for the rest as you get distracted from the real point of the lyrics and go off on too many divergences. You need to try and make these more focussed on the one aim or the one story.

Hope that helps a little,

Heather xxx

snickerdooly wrote:Hi! I really liked these lyrics and the way you gave us the link to hear the beat of the song. I listened to that while reading and I thought you did a great job, the content and emotions in the lyrics seem really strong to me. They are well put together and told a great story. There was slang is stuff in the lyrics which I really liked just because that's different and something I've never done! I really do not have anything bad to say about this piece, I enjoyed it very well! Thanks for posting, I may start writing lyrics
Peace,
Snickerdooly

Hi there.

We found the beat first, and the lyrics were written to match so I thought it'd be a nice touch to add the link as well. We have a version without the 'Maxito Production' spoken throughout, and it sounds sublime.

If it comes naturally, then write it down is all I can suggest. The ones your forget will be the ones you like best!

Cheers for all the positive feedback here!

cupcake wrote:This is rather good. You did a great job with this. Just on thing, in the first and last part you rhymed every two lines like this,

BetaTested wrote:Things I never did, and people never met,
All the wrong choices made, so easy to forget.
But when I look back now, on what I did back then,
I wish I had the chance, to do it all again.

Then in the middle you rhymed every four lines like this,

BetaTested wrote:Think of someone like me, try’na find my destiny
Don’t know where I'll go, or who I’m gunna be
Never good at anything, but this comes naturally
And no matter what I do, this is what I wanna be

I'm not sure if it sounds right to me, but in the end these are your lyrics so it might sound right to you. Keep writing!

Cheers for the praise here!!

The rhyme scheme change isn't much to do with me, that was Persistence's choice, and when it's rapped it works fair enough.

BetaTested

Kitty15 wrote:I've only had a quick scan through the other reviews so please forvive me if I repeat anything. With that said, I think you've got some alright lyrics here. I'm not the best at following rap but I read it through while listening to the beat and it seems to fit pretty well. A few comments on the words themselves though:

Things I never did, and people never met,
All the wrong choices made, so easy to forget.
But when I look back now, on what I did back then,
I wish I had the chance, to do it all again. <<<[I think your lyrics don't reflect the first verse. After this point, they're all filled with regret over getting bad grades and not much else and there isn't a strong enough sense that they'd go back and do it again. What I've noticed with rap is that the best rap is where there's a whole conversation going on either in one person's head or between two people or both in fact, and there's a lot of conflict, attempts to make decisions. It would be really cool if you had this so that the personas are filled with regret, yes, but they also loved that they had a good time and they don't know if they'd really do things differently. That would give you the chance to bring in specific events they may be considering re-doing and then remembering why they did it that way. Rap always seems to be at least partly about loving the bad boy image so try to get some of those details in there. Specifically how did they mess up? Was there a crazy party before one of their exams where they meant to be good but ended up smoking drugs which led to making out with a lamp post and sleeping outside on the cold gravel then falling asleep in the exam?]

Now we do what we do, and we do it cos its good,
Or cos we know we can, or cos we think we should.
But I never looked ahead, just played the here and now,
Never making the most of what time would allow. <<<[This line felt a little awkward, maybe take another look.]

Yeah when I was in school I cared more for having fun
But now I'm nearly out, and I wish I hadn't done
And when it’s all over, I won't fail cos I'm dumb
I guess making money's more important to some <<<[Not sure how much I like these last two lines and then it goes on to the whole rap thing which just feels really out of place. There's not enough build up to that and it makes it sound like the person doesn't even care they got the bad grades because they just want to rap anyway. I don't know, it just feels like the two sections don't really fit together.]

Not sure about the end verse either. To be honest, I think you should probably keep your early verses but then start over for the rest as you get distracted from the real point of the lyrics and go off on too many divergences. You need to try and make these more focussed on the one aim or the one story.

Hope that helps a little,

Heather xxx

Cheers for a well constructed response, always nice to see people taking the time to through back an article (Y) .

With the first verse, I agree to a certain extent, and I may edit it and make it more fluid. However in terms of changing the path of the entire rap I don't think I will. In opposition to a specific story, I think a broader generalisation with personal elements appeals to a broader audience. Listen to 'In the Ghetto' by Too $hort if you want to know what I mean.

With regards to flow, it all fits and works, so isn't an issue.

That section of the song isn't mine, it's an entirely different perspective. The guy who wrote that is younger than me, but we write together, so I guess there is a conflict between being out of school and being in it. Anyways, I'll pass that on to him, see what he makes of it.

Thanks for your time .

This was completely AHMAYZING! the lyrics are really cool and kinda explain my life. I know i am a girl, but who says girls cant be in the army?...haha yeah that was a past type thing but anyways...lets just say this song was SMOKIN' (litterally: That Good!) I LOVED IT! and i cant wait to hear the beat on Youtube!

Please review my poems, i will post more later! THANKS!

I must admit, great song. If you put a good beat with it, it sounds like an actual band could play this.

Keep it up!!

Reedo121 wrote:I must admit, great song. If you put a good beat with it, it sounds like an actual band could play this.

Keep it up!!

There is a link .... that's the beat!

peachygirl101 wrote:This was completely AHMAYZING! the lyrics are really cool and kinda explain my life. I know i am a girl, but who says girls cant be in the army?...haha yeah that was a past type thing but anyways...lets just say this song was SMOKIN' (litterally: That Good!) I LOVED IT! and i cant wait to hear the beat on Youtube!

Cheers for that ... and the link in the article is the beat.

BetaTested

Hello,

Instantly registered after seeing this to review the lyrics that BetaTested wrote on one of my hip hop instrumentals.

The fact that he didn't wrote about hoes, money, or guns already encouraged me to read further through his lyrics.
There are some nice punchlines I like, such as:

But when I was fifteen, I kinda let things slip,

And I’m still struggling now, trying to get a grip.

When the deadlines came, id just let em float by,

Work ain't as cool as drink or gettin' high

I really feel that line, my little brother of around the same age as you is currently fucking up his life that way and I hope he will change one day and realize life is serious.
Overall I think you did a great job writing these lyrics and you're talented for your age, you should definitely keep on developing your lyrical skills, and work on your flow.

As a producer I can say I would be happy to see people like you working with my beats.
I'm looking forward to your track on my "summer times" instrumental, and thank you for crediting me in this post!

Greetings,
Maxito (Producer of the beat)

Ps. For the people interested, you can find more beats produced by me at:
http://www.youtube.com/maxito43.

maxito wrote:Hello,

Instantly registered after seeing this to review the lyrics that BetaTested wrote on one of my hip hop instrumentals.

The fact that he didn't wrote about hoes, money, or guns already encouraged me to read further through his lyrics.
There are some nice punchlines I like, such as:

But when I was fifteen, I kinda let things slip,

And I’m still struggling now, trying to get a grip.

When the deadlines came, id just let em float by,

Work ain't as cool as drink or gettin' high

I really feel that line, my little brother of around the same age as you is currently fucking up his life that way and I hope he will change one day and realize life is serious.
Overall I think you did a great job writing these lyrics and you're talented for your age, you should definitely keep on developing your lyrical skills, and work on your flow.

As a producer I can say I would be happy to see people like you working with my beats.
I'm looking forward to your track on my "summer times" instrumental, and thank you for crediting me in this post!

Greetings,
Maxito (Producer of the beat)

Ps. For the people interested, you can find more beats produced by me at:
http://www.youtube.com/maxito43.

Cheers Maxito,means a lot man. Sad to hear about your brother man, people just gotta prioritise first is all. Im on the grind again now and life is good.

Thanks again man!

BetaTested!