Young Writers Society

Ok, lyrics I wrote down quickly. Don't really have a melody so I assume I would heavily edit them to fit in with a melody when that came about. Really need to work on these cause it's all a bit straightforward at the minute but anyway, first thoughts would be greatly appreciated... thank you (p.s. punctuation is off, I will come to that later when I add a tune!)


Dirt cheap vodka, cheaper wine
Called and ordered the forces round
Elevation all the while
You’re sailing down the sauvignon Nile...


Hair is perfect, sexy dress
Cleavage hiding what’s-
really on your chest...
Smile; you’re over compensating
Still your thoughts need more sedating.


Suddenly you’re out of time
And you wish that you’d stayed home tonight
And the street is not the place to cry
People are staring...


You thought you’d taught you better rules
“Hard to get and playing cool”
Love is cruel to the romance fool
Someone should have told you.
And it seems to me that it seems to be
That some are just plain un-luck-y
We can hope, well we can try
Destined to be sentenced to
perfecting the art of goodbye


Morning comes and morning goes
Rolling into mourning clothes
Better put your phone away
No one worth texting anyway


Hours pass, long and dull
A million thoughts
In every lull
Breathe: you feel your heart pulsating?
Booze, pills, sleep I need sedating.


And it hits you like a concrete ceiling,
That agonising wrenching feeling,
You better go to bed to cry
People are staring...


You thought you’d taught you better rules
“Hard to get and playing cool”
Love is cruel to the romance fool
Someone should have told you.
And it seems to me that it seems to be
That some are just plain un-luck-y
We can hope, well...we can try
Destined to be sentenced to
Perfecting the art of goodbye.




(Also I need to add in a bridge etc...)

(Please excuse me but because I am lazy, I won't pull quotes from this.)

Let's start with the dissection before I give my overall opinion.

The first four lines, I don't get why they are there. They don't flow well together and they don't fit your rhyme scheme well. It just seems like you threw them at the reader to try to start it off. Sorry if that is a little harsh, but it's my opinion.

When you wrote "Cleavage hiding what's-/really on your chest" I think this was kinda funny. It was really clever using that. It gives the reader a sense of this person. Good job from one writer to another!

I believe over compensating is one word...

The chorus is wonderful, but I find two flaws. "Hard to get and playing cool" should be hard to get and playing it cool. Also, it would sound better if you put it "Love is cruel to the romantic fool." Also, just another thing I saw, I think it goes better if you say "Destined to be sentenced to/ the art of perfecting goodbye." I really liked this part of the song, it made me sort of feel for the character, not to mention it flowed very well!

The next four lines made me smile. I loved the "No one worth texting anyway." It is sort of how everyone feels after a break up, especially the mourning clothes part.

The next four lines, well I found no mistakes in them or suggestions. They flow nicely togethor.

Overall: A nice break up song. It has good lyrics. The beginning needs to flow a little better and it needs punctuation (but you know that already.) Otherwise, it was very nice. I would like to actually hear it myself when you figure out the melody and such! Teehee can't keep a music lover down!

Hiya, thanks a lot actually most of what you said is spot on and I'm going to change bits and pieces. It's good to get an objective look. Also the very beginning will flow better to music I think, I envisioned it sung in a way that is a bit static anyway. I will look at it again with music.

Goodmorning -- I liked your wording very much. It displays very good imagery keep that going. I would like to make one point, my impression was more of a poem than a song. When reading a song rather than listening to it, (in my opinion) the audience should have a tune in their head. No matter what the tune the piece should flow with it. Other than that I enjoyed it very much. Find your bridge, keep the rhyming pattern under control, and you got yourself a number one hit on Napster ;D

Much Love
XOXO
HaliiFaye

Thanks I'm glad you liked it However I respectfully disagree that the audience should have a tune in their head. My layout won't necessarily fit around a typical melody structure, and also I will probably have to edit it once I compose a melody. Therefore it would be impossible to know what melody would fit simply from reading. I'm really just interested in people's impression of the wording so thanks for your opinions on that. I may try to write something on the piano and record it to demonstrate what I have in mind.

This is REALLY cool! I felt like I could connect with the perspective of the lyrics, and relate to your observations of feeling and quarrel. And the middle stanza reminded me of a "Dylan-like" rant of folk lyrics strung together, which I loved. Very Poetic, I'm interested to see what will happen for the bridge.

Thanks a lot! Glad you really liked it . Yeah I really should start working on a bridge...or maybe a new song altogether!

Some parts of the song were okay. However, it seemed to be dragging on a bit and I had to force myself to finish it. I like the concept of the lyric though.