Young Writers Society

Hrm. Five extra ones to catch up, which is about the number of poems I've completed in the last few years. Excellent.

It's rated 18+ just in case. If I'm sticking in here all the fragments I write and the bits and pieces that come into my head .. well, there's some unfortunate stuff that comes out of my brain. I guess we'll see.


[#1]

Boy With a Coin

I recognised the coin from years ago:
we found it lying on a fountain's edge in Berkeley Square,
its sparkling face at shiny odds with age,
the Nineteen Sixty-Eight around its rim
as polished as the day it had been made.
The summer heat was playing on our minds,
and who could blame us? barely twelve years old
and so in love, we thought that fate had smiled
and left it lying there for us to take.
Who knows? perhaps some too-romantic fool
had laid it by the wishing well to shine,
a letter in her pocket
and a danger in her heart;
or some despairing star-crossed boy
had sat here in the dark and plunged his arms
into the icy chill to pull it out,
remembering the bitter price we pay
for every opportunity we waste,
and leaving his remuneration there,
had walked away.


[EDIT: for spelling fail.]

This poem is beautiful. It speaks to me, and I am there all at once, like your character, looking at that coin. I like the flow, and I like how you have grounded it with a time and a place, so it's not just left hanging in the air.

I don't think 'so in love' should be there. It seems weird, with the 'barely twelve years old' bit. The 'some too-romantic fool' is good (and also another reason to take out 'so in love' - now your character will seem the romantic fool) - but when I imagine this fool, dur to the connotations of the word, I immediately think of a man. Actually, I think it would make the poem more interesting were it a man.

'Star-crossed boy' is likewise good, and I love the ending lines of you hypothesising where it came from. It's sweet.

Really great imagery and rhythm. It oozes with nostalgia.
I, personally, am a fan of the "so in love" part because it conveys that nostalgic regret that's tinged with the "I am older and wiser now."

"remembering the bitter price we pay
for every opportunity we waste,"
I feel like the word "opportunity" throws off the whole rhythm in this last section. There's too many syllables and up downs that it ceases to flow off the tongue in this last important part.

Possibly the same thing with "renumeration" (which should actually read "remuneration" if you are referring to a payment or a price, as is suggested by the "bitter price we pay").

Let's hope you churn out at least a couple more poems this April.

"remembering the bitter price we pay
for every opportunity we waste,"
I feel like the word "opportunity" throws off the whole rhythm in this last section. There's too many syllables and up downs that it ceases to flow off the tongue in this last important part.

Ho hum, you may well be right. I was going [with less skill than good intentions] for pentameter, so it was kind of meant to flow along the lines of "for-EVE-ry-OP-or-TUN-i-TY-we-WASTE/and-LEAV-ing-HIS-re-MUN-er-A-tion-THERE ... " buuuuuut maybe that completely didn't work out. I usually post audio versions of stuff to so people can get an idea of how it sounds in my head a little more, but I haven't got around to it yet - maybe that would help, or maybe it would make you be all, "lol I was so right." That can happen

And thanks for the "renumeration/remuneration" catch. Brainfail.

I don't think 'so in love' should be there. It seems weird, with the 'barely twelve years old' bit. The 'some too-romantic fool' is good (and also another reason to take out 'so in love' - now your character will seem the romantic fool) - but when I imagine this fool, dur to the connotations of the word, I immediately think of a man. Actually, I think it would make the poem more interesting were it a man.

Hrm, maybe that's so. The idea was that the character and their significant other found the coin on the fountain's edge when they were twelve-ish [did you really not have a horribly silly crush when you were twelve? I know I did!] and when they find it in their wallet/purse at some point in the future, they're looking back on the finding of it and speculating on how it might have got there. The 'romantic fool' might well be a man - but the narrator really has no idea how it got there, it might have fallen out of an old lady's pocket when she was leaning against the fountain, there's just no knowing!

I think part of the problem, as I'm realising now, is that I need some more poem to work with, it isn't finished. There must be more! Or else you don't really get the idea of who is who, and what they're remembering - it has a nice nostalgic feel to it [which is good, that's what I was going for!] but the narrative is truncated and confusing. Perhaps I shall add a second verse as part of late-April's tomfoolery

Thanks for your comments guys, you've been extremely helpful! Now then, without further ado, more of my brain-garbage straight from the heap. Gah .. it feels incomplete also, but I can't quite think what comes next. Hack it to pieces for me, and I'll see if I can fix it up after I sleep. Cheers m'dears.


[#2]

The Music School With[out?] Imagination

The girl exits the building with finality
like a sunset on the mountains:
grace one moment, gone the next.
She takes the music, takes the tune
and leaves the janitors to hit the lights:
dark. Do you remember making songs, love?
That empty basement, piano played in shadow,
the old guitars all humming gloomy chords
while all around the buildings sleep, shrouded
in the silence of the old before the new.
This single spire of light: a girl with music
in her backpack and music in her step,
every hard-won note emblazoned
on her brow like ancient codicils, a
barely breathed-out tune that tells us only,
"there is more - "

Ah Bob, it has been far, far, far too long since you graced us with your poetry. It is as good as ever. Nothing helpful to say, I'm afraid, just a vague threat of something painful should you ever stop.

Ohhh, now that its laid out for me, I can see the rhythm now. The trouble is that I have a tendency to read kinda fast (and not savor the words), so, with a longer word, it's easy to lose it. Well, I can certainly see your point now, so I take back my comment. Though, I imagine you might not be fully happy because I was looking for a rhythm and missed it =\ It's like that time in my class someone gave a presentation, then someone else asked a question, and the professor said, "So that person basically asked, 'What was your entire project about?'" and he held it against the presenter.

About The Music School:
Well, you've certainly created a mood, but I'm not really sure what you want to tell us. You posed the question, "Do you remember making songs?" and painted the scene of how and when and where. But I cannot fathom the answer from what I've read.

Also, I think the "buildings sleep" should be past tense "buildings slept." Right? (Since the piano in the same scene played in the past).

But I do like the scene and mood.