Young Writers Society

So, I'm one of those who's been living in the poetic cave, and has only just realised it's poetry month. Whoops - my poetry season was a couple of months ago, but I thought I'd better give it a go, just because. I really shouldn't, I really don't have the time but...what the hell, why not? Add to that the fact that I just joined the YWS.

So, it's...Easter Monday in my neck of the woods - 5 April, I'm guessing, and here we go:


. -

. -.

.

.

.

.

Hi, Navita!

First off, welcome to YWS! I'm glad you have found your way here and are taking part in NaPoWriMo!

Some of your poems had sort of a list-like feeling to them, but most of the time you fixed it with the fun vocabulary. There were some really nice images and fresh words there, which kept the poems interesting. I especially liked "frogleg fold" and "And yet I know/what it is like to hold/a butterfly in my palm..."

You don't necessarily have to be so straight-forward. For example, to say "father got cancer" is quite abrupt and you could find other ways to accomplish your mission. That way there would also be some room for mystery of sorts.

I think "Fireflies melting" and "The ice-cream man" are my favourites. "Morn" was also sweet. Good luck for NaPo!


Demeter
x

I like this

Hey, Navita! ^_^

I really liked Tiempo, especially these lines:

Time, the scrawny twilight child
begs to drain the stars away

of yellow, tinged with hurt and pink
splatter upon the unsure tabletop
of hurried dusk -

You have a good ability to draw out fantastic imagery, but at some points I felt like it got hidden behind slightly-old words.

But somehow that doesn't matter as much as the stories you weave behind these poems without even saying them. For example, in Fireflies melting, you leave just enough unsaid for us to wonder about it, get a good idea, and appreciate the poem that much more for the hints you've left for us. In Recuerdo as well, it's vague, but we get a feeling in our bones and in our heart that we can appreciate without quite describing. It's a good balance between exposition and subtlety! ^_^

I loved the way all the stanzas of 'the ice-cream man' seemed to melt together, and you obviously know what you are doing, Navita! ^_^

I turned in the caramel arms of after-
-noon

I especially liked that.

Rainbow Warrior was not to my taste, however, because it seemed like it just like ages listed with descriptions afterward that were interchangeable for any of the ages. Perhaps if you changed the language to fit each time period (not entirely, but just a little more), it might make a more marked difference.

So, in conclusion, you're brilliant, and the only problem I have is finding that words like 'alas' have curled up and rotted in poems that have no place for them, such as in 'the ice-cream man'. It's told by a younger voice and perspective, so why use alas?

I'll be peeking in throughout April! Thank you!

-Hannah-

Thank you for all your comments. They have been very helpful, and I've started making changes. Have a look! Demeter - I see where you're coming from with the 'list-like' feeling. I do not write poetry in this style usually - usually it's REALLY imaginative and verbiose and over-the-top, but I've also realised, from reading other people's poetry, that it needs some grounding - a good balance of real and imaginary. I'm still trying to find that balance. Hannah - thank you for the specific comments - and I will see what I can do to eradicate those archaisms.

.

I like it. It's quirky, but it retains its poeticism. Part 1 didn't do a very good job grabbing me -- your geometrical love was rather two-dimensional. But part 2 was fantastic. I loved the bit about the names -- Lee's description especially rang true for me. It's great when a poem can reveal subconscious truths. Part 3 is good too...can't say I'm crazy about you using your own name, but your mentions of string theory and your closing stanza was really fun, so, I approve.

Good stuff!

-Kylan

Hey Navita,

You asked me to pop in and check out your poems, and I'm glad I did. These are lovely. I absolutely adore Fireflies melting - that last stanza was beautiful. You have a talent for imagery, as Hannah said, and I like the way the poems often have a sense of humour. Just watch that you don't let the flow of the imagery overpower the main line of the poem; it sometimes detracts from the overall story of it, if that makes sense.

Very nice work, though. I'll keep checking in throughout April.

~bubbles

PS: Don't worry about posting more than one poem if that's how many you've written on that day. Since you're only sticking to the one thread, it doesn't clutter up the board and we get to enjoy more of your work

Thanks Kylan and bubblewrapped - I'll see what I can do about the first part in 'Middle Ground' and I'll keep in mind what you're saying, bubblewrapped, about the imagery. It's quite a task finding that perfect balance between imagination and reality! But I know, if I do - or if I get close enough to it, then I'll definitely be giving my poetry an 'edge,' kind of like giving the readers enough, leaving just enough unsaid for them to want more.

.