Young Writers Society

I gave in and made a thread. I'm writing this year's poems on my research paper folder, which means I might be slow to add them, or something. Maybe at the end of the month I'll take a picture of it.

Just an FYI, some of my titles aren't really titles, but more like words that inspired, a theme, or just a noun related to the poem. All titles will be in caps because I'm cool like that.

1-4-09
Dull ache, dull rumble, in the pit,
your existence I shan't admit.
To that hole, so deep, so dank
my oft-rejected heart has sank.
I bear it all, ache and ache and ache.

You I do not blame
for it is all my shame.
My heart it is, the fault the same;
thus I'll burn (alone) in love's flame.

- HUNGER


2-4-09

Why do you want to feel the chill
which through the wind creates an ill?
To see the searing in the blood;
to hear the heart beat in a flood;
what makes one desire death
as if it were Christ's very breath?

- TUT MIR WEH (does me pain)


3-4-09

The child sleeps
in a bed of red
and only a cold kiss
could cleanse the pale lips
of bruises and dried blood.

-DEATH

Suze,

Me likey. Especially, the meter of the poems.

One thing that struck out at me was in HUNGER the last line of stanza one, just kind of lays out there like flimsy limb. I think the reason is that everything about the poem is structured and hard, and the meter is rapt and succinct, and this: I bear it all, ache and ache and ache. is soft and languid.

Ta,
Cal.

Are you doing one a month, cutie pie? *puzzled by dates*

I'm so glad you made a thread though! <3

Are you doing one a month, cutie pie? *puzzled by dates*

XD Yeah, uh. Another thing I picked up from foreign language, so day-month-year.

Now, any thoughts on the poems?

I definitely enjoy the last poem the best, the imagery is chilling and pleasant!

I don't always enjoy rhyming that is so obvious, and I like it in the first one, but not so much the second. But the last poem -- absolute adoration!

This one makes no sense to anyone but me, chances are, but it's a photo of a memory.

4-4-09

Unable to fit under the jungle gym,
you made due with the too-short monkey bars.
The car had two steering wheels,
"because women can drive too" (sarcasm),
and the slides were hard metal,
hot in the summer, scalding,
but now an adventure.
The swings were the best.
We flied, rocking back and forth,
flew into the air,
"but why is the sky so blue!?"
higher and higher we went -
but never as high as my heart.
-PLAYGROUND

Broke down and wrote a second poem.

Throw me under the bus.
Keep my head under until
I'm sucking water like a fish.
Beat me. Stab me. Hurt me.
Tell me no tell me I'm ugly.
Slap my skin bloody.
Squeeze my heart with your nails.
Anything – do anything –
I want to hear your sweet voice
sing me to sleep and your hand
hold mine like a warm summer day.
Do anything so I can know
you see me.
- DESPERATE DEMANDS

I love the playgroud one.It flows well and the imagery is great. I think that, in the first poem, you're being overly restricted by the form. It's forcing you to twist syntax, and it ends up sounding forced. I'd try it again with no form, or a looser one.
I really liked "Tut Mir Weh". It's powerful and nicely concise, and flows well. I'll admit I'm not overly enamoured with the third one-I think some elaboration would serve it well. The final one is a little angsty for my taste.
Jas

Playground makes me happy, because the imagery reminds me of my old elementary school playground, and what my one friend and I used to do. So nice.

Written at the last minute. Might not be so bad if I gave it more thought.

5-4-09

Cut off my fingers,
each one by one,
so slow with the knife
grinding through bone.
Break open my ribs -
Darling, please, remove my beating heart.
So much I would endure
if only for the hope
to see you through another's eyes:
to see you smile at your reflection,
or pose like an artist's model.
To view you with eyes which can see,
eyes which can love,
eyes of which you approve.
-EYES

6-4-09


It could all be lies, I swear.
My words out of a dirty mouth:
lips caked in crusty mud,
a thick and thirsty tongue hangs out.
It could all be lies. I swear
you would believe I breathe.
- UNTRUTHS

I like! Nice word choice and overall effect of humanity. But untruths is such a pretty word to only be the inspiration instead of in the poem

My words out of a dirty mouth:
lips caked in crusty mud,
a thick and thirsty tongue hangs out.

-loves on-

This is special. I will keep it. -snuggles with it-

I also like the other one with the breaking and the eyes and the bones and stuff. -thumbs up-
I really like this kind of dark desperation that is an undercurrent to a lot of the poems. It's very real and east to relate to!

I don't think the one from the fifth is anything special. It started off well, but then the imagery weakend, and it dragged the poem down. I'd cut;
"Darling, please, remove my beating heart.
So much I would endure
if only for the hope
to see you through another's eyes:
to see you smile at your reflection, "
and replace it with something more vivid. It flowed well as a whole.

I like the one from the sixth, especially;
"a thick and thirsty tongue hangs out."
It's a powerful image and the alliteration works well.

Jas

Untruths is my favorite so far, by a landslide.