Young Writers Society

I'm just going to post all of my poems for NaPoWriMo in this thread. However, critique them hard and die ;] Comments are welcome, though...of course. My creativity is not exactly at it's highest right now. But, forcing it anyway!

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#1. Odo Nnyew Fie Kwan Frame

Three years.

On a silver bird he flew away,
far from his home; from us.
His individuality disguised,
blended in a sea of green.
No longer a face.

Eleven months.

A love for the job;
what does that mean?
Did I have to love it, too?
Do you still love it?
Where are you?
We can't see your brown eyes,
your cherry lips;
only the green.

Thirty days.

So long has passed,
it is time.
The same silver bird
will fly him home to us.
We will not see his brown eyes,
his cherry lips.
The green is gone now;
replaced by tear blue.
He is lost now;
yet his identity regained.
We must live
on memories of you.

First questions first...

#1. Odo Nnyew Fie Kwan Frame

Means what? On to the poem:

Three years.

On a silver bird he flew away, (nice old fashioned plane reference.)
far from his home; from us.
His individuality disguised, (Thinking Army.)
blended in a sea of green. (Know its Army.)
No longer a face.

Eleven months.

A love for the job;
what does that mean?
Did I have to love it, too?
Do you still love it?
Where are you?
We can't see your brown eyes,
your cherry lips;
only the green.

Thirty days.

So long has passed,
it is time.
The same silver bird
will fly him home to us.
We will not see his brown eyes, (Uh-oh...I know how this ends...)
his cherry lips.
The green is gone now;
replaced by tear blue.
He is lost now;
yet his identity regained.
We must live
on memories of you. (Knew it...)

Sad, but done good. My comments were just as when I read it through and you give yourself too much criticism. It was good and didn't have any errors. Also it is one of the few poems that I haven't gone with awkward, cliche, unoriginal or tried to make changes to. This is good and I liked it very much.

Oh, yea...meant to put that in there. It's a West African proverb, it means "Love Never Loses It's Way Home". :]

Day Two! Very lame, honestly. This is what watching TV for inspiration does to you.


#2. Your Tears Are Like Mine

"She gets it from you."
Stubbornness, she means.

The pebbles in your eyes
glisten in the sunlight--
a gift from the mother.
Cherry lips perse
above your chin--
a gift from the father.
Soft black urchin arms
jump off your head--
a gift from the land.
Your light skin a straight
contrast to mine.

Your cherry red lips
smile to me.
We laugh together,
and just alike.
When you are sad
I am sad.
We share a voice
and a way with words.

Somewhere there is a woman
with those same black hues,
And near a man
with cherry red lips.

I thank them every day
for my beautiful baby girl.

#1. Odo Nnyew Fie Kwan Frame

I have absolutely no idea what this means, but it looks supercool *reads down a bit* And I like it in context too.

I don't so much like the short phrases in the second one, but I think that's just my personal preference But I like how in the third stanza, I was happy along with the characters ^_^

April 1: I do really like it, dear. The emotion is very strong and the colours are all very strong and vibrant. I think you could have brought the ribbons (yellow weren't they? Do forgive me if I'm wrong) into it. Great title.

April 2: I don't like this one as much. The idea behind it is beautiful and touching but I found that the start was quite random and the flow a little rough. The ending is great and really draws everything together but I think there could have been more in the middle to convey stronger emotions.

Good work and good luck with the other twenty-eight!

I'm attempting to come up with something, and I am totally failing haha. *smacks head* come on creativity! But, here's something....ignore the retardedly placed line breaks. The lines are annoyingly short (believe me, I know) but I got bored with that by the end so the last stanza is different.


#3. Faut Souffrir Pour Etre Belle

She was born into the world
in a pink blanket
with a pink hat to cover
her smooth scalp.
She learned to walk
in ballet slippers,
they took her to her
easy bake oven and
her baby dolls
(also dressed in pink).

At thirteen she had
her first kiss
in a pink dress.
He sneared at
her muscular legs
(respectable in the
dancing world);
ballet was boring.
Her flat chest
annoyed him,
her fair skin was
not tan enough,
her stomach not
small enough.
After four months
he broke her heart
in a blue polo.

The next morning she woke,
covered her perfect skin in foundation,
placed tissues on her chest,
and covered her legs with jeans.
Her slippers found a place on a high shelf
as a horn honked in the background.
She hurried past the kitchen--
out the face the world

in a navy tee shirt.

Poem 3;

This is really great, Via. I love the story and you tell it brillliantly. I especially like;

"She learned to walk
in ballet slippers,
they took her to her
easy bake oven and
her baby dolls
(also dressed in pink)."

and

"he broke her heart
in a blue polo. "

I love your use of colours, and it works really well.

My only quibble is that I'd try "She came into the world" instead, for the first line, as I think it sounds a touch more natural.

Jas

#4. The End Has Only Begun

I tear the pages from the back,
they scatter on the ground like
shardes of broken glass
from the picture frame--
our wedding photo scarred.
I used to know the ending
to our fairytale fable;
two story house, two car garage,
2.5 children and a golden retriever--
a white picket fence would
line our fortress.

But a blue suv took it all away.

She came into our lives
like a blonde our of hell.
A business partner--
business needs more definition.
She took you away from me
to foreign lands devoid of love--
you always came back,
keeping my heart beating.

"SUV runs red light, one dies."

Woah Via. This is poweful stuff. The ending is haunting and very effective. My only quibble is that I'd omit the word "fable", but other than that this is absolutely amazing.

Thanks for your comments Jas ;]

This is completely random and has no point, but I have nothing really today...and I'm watching it so...lol.


#5. Willy Wonka Makes the World Fat

Chocolate rivers and lemon daisies,
Pumpkins filled with strawberry jam--
Umpa Lumpas run the world.
Every childs dream is paradise,
where the brick is made of jello
and it rains pixie dust.
"What do you think will come of that?"

Yoda evolved from Umpa Lumpas.

Oh boy. So, Willy Wonka scares me. But your last line just made my night.

On 4, if you don't mind me taking liberties and playing with wording?

I used to know the wording
to our fairytale ending;

You want the syllable in there from "fable" but the word isn't fitting. Not sure what I did works any better, but maybe it'll help you find something better? Or just want to smack me, either works. Lovely stuff, love.

You're welcome.

Heehee. This is random! I love the title, and the ending was surprising...I'm not sure I get it, but it made me smile as it was so random...

I think "childs" needs an apostrophe but my mind is a bit melted right now...child's...childs'...I'm not sure what it's meant to be when it's "every child"...so that doesn't really help...

Anyway, I don't think this is as good as your last one, but, as they're so different, this is probably a matter of personal taste. Other than that, it flows well, and I really like;

"and it rains pixie dust. "

This is sooo random But I love it for the last line "Yoda evolved from Umpa Lumpas" and that raining pixie dust sounds cool.

Way too much dr. seuss exposure in my childhood...

#6. The Caffiloup

There once was a Caffiloup
with stripes a lot,
A pink furry hat
was what he bought.
He wore it to the movies,
he wore it to the gym,
he wore it to the playground--
they all laughed at him.
But the Caffiloup stood tall,
for little did he care--
people are not made
by the clothes they wear.
He strutted with pride
everywhere he went,
for the pink furry hat
for him, only, was meant.

Three years went by,
not a day without the hat,
for his head, you see,
was awfully flat.
So the Caffiloup made
a promise in that way,
that on his head
that hat would stay.