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Colour Me Permanent
Colour me permanent-
no transgressionary traveller
taking
one bed tonight
and fading by morning,
pockets full of pictures
of the dead,
and my siblings
before they started aging.
I'll sign in blood.
I'll put my scars
behind cameras and place
prints as identification,
part of a human chain,
interspersed with evergreen,
and I'll take
summer, summer, summer,
no autumn, and no spring,
and it
will all die down in winer if
it even has to die.
Last night
I was myself.
Seven years ago
I was twelve
pushed into brittle
tea with Death
and leaving
some months later
when I could eat again,
and be alone again with-
out simply crying
around and through my pen.
Three years ago my
friend faded out,
and
I wasn't there
at the end,
or even in
the final chapters.
Two weeks ago,
or one, or three,
he went behind
a solid screen
and I walked out while
you siad goodbye,
and now you're alone
and I'm stuck on repeat, repeat, repeat...
and all I have is memory,
far too impermanent for me.
I love this phrase but sometimes your structures confuse me. Why not have it all on the second line?Youth
is an arrogant age.
[This could be phrased better. I'd suggest -Beauty and insight
are not the same-
but you try telling
the beautiful that.
headstone bed-head
[Hmmm. This is nice but it feels a little too much like prose. Remember, poets are allowed to be fragmented. Perhaps:or maybe
I really was that beautiful.
(These poets tend
to exaggerate things)
and I let them.
[s]8[/s] eight hours ago
[I'd suggest ending this line with a semi colon.] I like this one. There's something sort of peaceful and lulling but at the same time haunting, almost melancholic about the tone and it fits so snugly with the words which are very pretty; lovely imagery. It's a touch fragmented but that's good, it works really well and I really don't have any suggestions. It isn't a brilliant masterpiece but it's good and I just love how it flows. *Is being totally unhelpful.*my mind,
[I think this would flow better as 'it ever has to die.'] There's something really great about this poem but at the same time, it's hard to grasp. The flow is beautiful, you have an excellent use of repetition and the context is generally good. However, I think I'd like to see more of the 'permanent' theme throughout it. Even amongst these deaths, what is permanent? A gift one of them has given her? A jacket one used to wear? I'd love for the 'impermanent memories' ending to come as a bit of a surprise, for you to concentrate on what technically lasts forever even amidst the deaths.it even has to die.
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