Young Writers Society

So I had started it as just an 'all of a sudden idea' and the idea of a novel came. So here it is. I'm kind of confused where it actually belongs because it has a bit of everything (Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Romantic/Lots of stuff...), I think.




"Have you been listening to a single word I said?"

"Darsgy I- Sweet Mother of Zorg!" Janine stopped in her tracks, crouching down to take a closer look at what seemed to be a decaying body - a child's body. That child must have been lying there for about four days. It was a little girl; her face, bruised and dirty, and her body showed that she was of about eight years. Her dress had been torn and one of her shoes was a couple of metres away from her. Janine breathed deeply, stood straight and stepped over the body as if she hadn't seen anything, but her heart fell heavily in her chest though she felt no true emotion.

Walking through the South Hytanian forest in the middle of a war was not recommended for a a female but Janine was much more than just that. She was a warrior - the daughter of on of the greatest Hytanian fighters their people had ever seen. Lohern Darsgy, who accompanied Janine was not of much use to the She-Hytanian, but was just following orders.

Jichday, 53rd of Mallember 2012.

They had spent almost two months trekking through the dense forest, listening to weapons flying past their ears, together but in the solitude of each other's silence and quick glances.

"Janine?"

"What?" She hissed, ducking behind a Degghy bush. Degghy bushes were known to hide any Hytanian's scent. Their fruit was poisonous but healed bruises and cuts. Janine closed her eyes for a few seconds, relieved that she could no longer hear the soaring bullets and arrows. "They must be going North, let's follow their tracks."

"No."

"What?" This time her question came out with a shocked tone and she winced. Lohern took a seat, casually, leaning his back against a tree, smiling as Janine watched him still with her shocked expression.

"You haven't been listening to a single word I've said, have you?"

"Darsg-"

"How long have you known me and you're still calling me that? It's 'Lohern', alright?"

"Dars- Lohern, we're in the middle of a war! We're fighting for our planet against these creatures from Phlyrturm, and you're busy chatting? This is war!"

"I know, but all I'm asking is that you listen to me. We've been fighting this war for six months now, and walking through this forest for two. Don't you see nothing's changing?"

"They're going North! That's where all our troops-"

"I love you."

"Ex-excuse me? And you think this is the right time to tell me this?"

"I've been saying it since we-"

"Well, don't love me." Her glare was almost frightening, but Lohern was blinded by the love he had for the She-Hytanian.

"Don't love me." She repeated, but inside her, she knew she longed to be loved. She was screaming inside, yearning for his love but she had programed herself to refuse all sentiments. She dropped her gaze, looking back at their tracks.

You came all this way. She thought to herself. Make Papa proud of you and keep going.

"Let's move, the second Sun is coming down. We have to reach the North by the time the third one rises." She stood but was pulled back to the ground. At this lower level her eyes met with Lohern's and they were almost nose to nose. Janine tried turning her face away but found that the sentiments she rejected had taken hold of her head and were forcing her to keep her face next to the male's.

"Janine, trust me, I'll make sure we'll see that third Sun rise."

He leaned forwards closing the gap between them. Those few centimetres that separated them were destroyed, just like the pride and indifference of Janine's conscience. She accepted the feelings to brush through her, like hurricanes brushed through blades of grass, as Lohern kissed the mouth he had been longing to kiss for such a long time.

There came an explosion - an explosion of passion and happiness in her heart; a feeling she hadn't felt in years, centuries even. An explosion of a million meteors coming alive in her soul. Rainbows of sweet symphonic emotions spread over her being, and her world stopped.

Their world stopped.

Hytanians live twice - that is, their second heart starts beating six hours after the first one stops.

The eight-year old's hearts had been ripped out by the Phlyrturmers - the people they were fighting against. They had been looking for food, savagely like a scavenging pack of pearsals: wolf-like creatures with double rows of pointed teeth and claws like steel coated with ivory.

When Hytania crumbled into the many billions of crystals blown up by the Phlyrturmers, most of its people blew up into oblivion with it and their existence only sparkled like a starry particle around the universe.

Some, having been dispersed like poppy seeds, landed in a far away galaxy: the Milky Way, on various planets where they tried to adapt to the conditions but collapsed under such compressing atmospheres.

The lucky ones landed on Earth: our protagonist and only one other Hytanian.

Hi again Mikko!

I know that I've pretty much reviewed the majority of this before, but I'm still going to review it like I've never seen it, but it'll probably be shorter because I've already kind of reviewed this. So, if I repeat myself (things from the last review), don't mind it. I'll try not to, but I'm too lazy to keep referring back to my previous review. Let's see here.

I already have problems with your first paragraph. I find some lines don't transition as well as they should into each other. But that's not all. The main issue here is that Janine comes off as very contradictory in the first paragraph and this isn't good, especially since she's the protagonist. It can create a very, for lack of a better word, 'temperamental' character. Sure, it's good when characters have various conflicting traits in their personality, but only to an extent. But less of that - it's more contradictory writing in where you're stating one thing and then two seconds later, it's completely cancelled out. For example:

...but her heart fell heavily in her chest though she felt no true emotion.

It's one or the other. Either she is disheartened by this innocent child's death or she isn't. Make up your mind. Either Janine is fairly compassionate or she's stolid. A character has to be basely consistent with their personality or else you'll just end up confusing the reader.

Their fruit was poisonous but healed bruises and cuts.

^that's useless. Find another time to inform us about the details of this plant if it's really that important. It's like you just needed something more to write and so you squished in silly details that don't work well with the prologue. I find that, actually, this goes throughout the story (redundant blablabla wordy fillers). Just watch that - there are more crucial details to write rather than telling us the many uses of some fantastical plant.

Lastly, I wasn't so pleased with how you concluded the prologue. It seems rushed and there isn't much of a transition scene between Janine and Lohern kissing. It's like you're suddenly summing up important information for the reader to be aware of come the first chapter. Be careful doing this because it makes for a choppy read and completely ruins the previously established fluidity. There's not much advice I can offer on how to incorporate the last tidbits of information within the prologue since you may have to move other paragraphs and sentences around in order to fit it. But don't stress yourself on fitting the text to the last two or three paragraphs - it's only two or three, right? Maybe you might want to carry some of this information into the next few chapters to come. I don't know, but the ending is too choppy for my liking.

I'm really glad you decided to write more for this. I'm very interested to learn what's going on in this world, with Janine and Lohern. It's an appealing storyline. Let me know when you add more!

Yours,
Lavvie

I love the imagination that goes into your work!
Prologues are always wonderful starters I find, since they inspire me to keep at it, because unlike 'chapter one's, you can insert as much mystery and drama as you want, as it won't be needed (as your first chapter will) to give required information.

I loved the names you made up - you made them up, right? - and the places you've created.

I honestly can't wait to see more!

NightWriter x