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Kaleidoscope Introduction



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Fri Oct 28, 2011 3:25 am
Teresabanosg says...



This is a novel I'm currently writing in Spanish, but I decided to translate the first chapter just so people on here can review it :) Here's the Spanish version if you're interested:
Spoiler! :
Olor a polvo, olor a viejo. Humedad y descuido. Mi lugar favorito en todo el mundo. Tantas historias escondidas dentro de cada una de las cosas en aquella tienda de antigüedades. Tantas maravillas por revelar. Secretos sobre el pasado, realidades perdidas en esos viejos objetos olvidados. Todo lo que se podría descubrir con un poco de investigación, encubierto por la fina tela del pasado. Espejos rotos, teléfonos cochambrosos y anticuados. Jarrones empolvados, esculturas en estado de desaseo y joyas que por su dueño habían sido abandonadas.
Yo siempre había admirado al padre de mi amiga Gallesia, dueño de aquella pequeña tienda donde yo solía pasar las tardes. Mis padres se habían separado años atrás y yo no soportaba llegar a mi casa y pasar la tarde sola, ya que mi madre se encontraba trabajando, o aún peor, tener que ayudarla a trabajar. Así que todas las tardes, me iría directo del colegio a casa de Gal y su hermano Thamnus. Gal tenía catorce igual que yo, y Tham, un poquitín más grande que las dos, tenía 15. A veces, la gente pensaba que los tres éramos hermanos. Todas las tardes serían diferentes en aquella solitaria tienda al final de la calle Urceola. Esa era mi casa. El padre de Gal y Tham era como mi padre. Cuidaba de mí y jamás me dejó sola, a diferencia de mis padres. Gal, Tham y sus padres eran más mi familia que mis padres o mi hermano.
A pesar de que ya éramos adolescentes, mis amigos y yo sabíamos divertirnos como si tuviésemos sólo 4 o 5 años. Esa tienda lo era todo para mi y mis amigos eran las únicas personas en las que podía confiar. Nadie sería tan cercano a mi como mis adorados camaradas. Algunas veces, solíamos salir a las deterioradas calles de Pottsia, el pueblo en el que vivíamos, en busca de nuevos artículos para la tienda. Pottsia solía ser la lujosa ciudad de Artía, donde adinerados personajes se pasearían por las calles con sus coches y con gran suntuosidad. En lo que antes eran las mansiones de estas millonarias personas, sólo quedaban sus abandonados objetos. Viejos televisores, ropa consumida por el tiempo que en algún momento fue nueva y radiante. Máquinas de escribir, cepillos que aun conservaban dorados cabellos de elegantes jóvenes.
Pottsia era un pequeñísimo pueblo, y era el único ambiente en el que yo podía vivir. Jamás me podría imaginar viviendo en una ciudad de tal magnitud como Kibatalía, la ciudad capital de Orfium, mi país. Mi hermano y mi padre se habían mudado a la gran ciudad después de la separación. Pottsia me hacia feliz. Casi podría nombrar a todos los habitantes de mi querido pueblo.
Los conflictos de mis padres comenzaron a consecuencia del inmenso deseo de mi padre de vivir en la ciudad. Pero mi madre se negó, ya que lo suyo era la repostería, y no pensaba dejar su tienda de pasteles a un lado para vivir en la ciudad.
Mi hermano acompañó a mi padre y yo me quede con mi madre. A diferencia de mi madre, la cocina no llamaba mi atención. A mi me interesaba la aventura, aprender cosas nuevas. Los colores brillantes y la irregularidad. Como un caleidoscopio. Como el caleidoscopio que mi abuela me regaló a los 7 años. Pero cuando mis padres se separaron, mi hermano lo rompió y me dijo:
"Carlota. Despierta. Debes salir a la realidad. No puedes quedarte encerrada en tu mundo fantástico. Debes de saber afrontar al mundo de verdad". Esas fueron las últimas palabras que me dirigió mi hermano antes de partir. Le extrañaba mucho. A veces me alegaraba no verle, pero en el fondo, siempre le extrañaría.
Recuerdo la mañana de comienzo de verano. El día que lo cambiaría todo. El señor Monotrapa, padre de Gal y Tham, nos daría las noticias que todo alterarían. Y mi mundo jamás sería igual.


The smell of dust, the smell of hoary. Humidity and carelessness. My favorite place in the whole world. So many stories hidden behind each of those things inside that antique shop. So many wonders yet to be revealed. Secrets about the past, lost realities forgotten in each of those unremembered objects. All that could be learnt with only investigating a little, covered by the delicate cloth of the past. Broken mirrors, old and dirty telephones. Dusty vases, decaying sculptures, and jewels that had lost their owner.
I'd always admired my friend Gallesia's dad, owner of that humble store where I would spend my free time. My parents had divorced years back and it was depressing to get home and be all alone because my mom was working, or even worse, having to help her. So everyday, I would go straight from school to my friend Gal's house. Gal had a brother,Thamnus, just one year older than us, who was fifteen years old. Sometimes, people would think we three were all siblings. Every afternoon would be different inside that small store down Urceola street. That was home to me. My friends' father was like my own. He would take care of me and never leave me alone, contrary to my parents who forgot about me most of the time. Gal, Tham, and their parents behaved more like family than my parents or my brother.
Even though the three of us were teenagers, we knew how to have fun as if we were only 5 or 6 years old. That shop meant everything to my friends and me. They were the only people I could trust. Nobody was as close to me as my loved pals. Sometimes, we would walk around the damaged streets of Pottsia, the town in which we lived, looking for old wonders to take back to the store. Pottsia used to be the luxurious city of Artia where wealthy people would stroll around in their fancy cars. Inside what used to be huge mansions, only the ruins of the house, along with a few objects remained. Old televisions, decayed clothes that used to be new and radiant. Typewriting machines with broken keys, and old brushes that kept golden hairs belonging to past owners.
Pottsia was a tiny town, and it was the only place I could ever imagine myself living in. I could never live in Kibatalia, the capital city of Orfium, my country. My dad and brother had moved there after the divorce, but I'm glad I didn't move too. I loved Pottsia. I think I could even count every person who lived in my dear town. My parents' problems were a consequence of my father's intense desire of living in the city. But my mother opposed to this, since she loved baking, and she didn't want to leave her bakery behind just to go live in the city, so my brother went to the city with my father, and I stayed here with mom. Unlike her, I didn't enjoy baking cakes at all. I loved adventure and learning new things. Craziness, bright colours. Kind of like a kaleidoscope. My grandma had given me one when I was seven. I loved it. But when my parents split up, my brother broke it and said:
"Charlotte. Wake Up. Reality is waiting for you. You can't stay trapped inside your fantastic world forever. You need to face the real world." Those were the last word I heard from him before he went away to Kibatalia. I missed him a lot. Sometimes, I was glad I didn't have to see him anymore, but in the end, I would always miss him.

I remember the first day of summer, 3 years after the break up. The day that would change everything.The day that Mr. Monotrapa would give us the news that would metamorphose my life. And my world would never be the same again.
Last edited by Teresabanosg on Thu Nov 03, 2011 3:26 am, edited 3 times in total.
Am I crazy enough?
  





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Sat Oct 29, 2011 10:17 am
DarknecrosisX says...



Wow, this is amazing. Such a descriptive piece, setting a perfect scene for a story. I liked the way how you added detail to the central characters life. I tried reading the Spanish version and only understood a few words. :D
A few nitpicks:

1. I can't picture any of the characters, you didn't describe them, but I'm sure that will come later in the story.
2. You seem to hate comma's, use a few more!

And that's all I could criticise! This is a very interesting piece and has taught me a few things about description. :D
I liked the use of colours to describe mood, and the whole piece describing the shop was my favourite part. Well done, I hope to see more!

Happy Writings! DNX :J
Laments of passion
Obstructed by fear.
Under guises of jovial chatter;
Incredulous hopes
Steadily feasting away-
Eating away at my heart.
  





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Sun Oct 30, 2011 8:39 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Teresa! Stella here! I wish I could read Spanish but sadly my Spanish isn't really very good (however, have you met GeeLyria? She writes poems in Spanish and translates them and I read the originals of those because they just sound so pretty. It's a gorgeous language!)

Since this is a translation, I won't go too much into nitpicks and word choice because that wouldn't do you much good. I'll just give you general opinions :)

having to help her.


I know I said I wouldn't nitpick, but help her with what?

Thamnus, just one year older than us, who was 15 years old.


Well, he wouldn't have stayed fifteen forever (also, always write ages in words, not digits). Describe the moment she's thinking of...

Okay, other than that, I loved this. Your descriptions are so rich and gorgeous, I could literally eat them with a spoon. I'm usually opposed to prologues/introductions though, because I find them a little redundant. That's what I'm worried about with this one, that you just tell us everything. In your time at YWS you'll hear a lot about the difference between showing and telling. Take a look at these examples:

"The light from outside framed the silhouette in the doorway. It was Mandy Woods. She was Ben's oldest friend. She had long golden hair and huge brown eyes like a Labrador dog's. She looked at Ben and smiled, cocking her head. 'Hi,' she said."

And now look at this:

"The light spilled in around the shape of Mandy Woods. Ben's oldest friend grinned at him, brown eyes like a Labrador dog's gleaming. She cocked her head, sending a ripple through her river of golden hair and said, 'Hi.'"

Now, the two say very much the same thing! But I think you'll agree that the second one is better. We see the world through Ben's eyes. What you're doing right now is setting the stage for your story. And you're doing it beautifully. But don't be afraid to let the world shape itself around the story. It'll flow better.

But honestly, I really did love reading this, and although you're 'telling', you make it work!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  





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Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:44 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hola, Teresa. I'm here to review as requested. ^_^

Teniendo en mente que ya han revisado tus escritos en Inglés, me enfocaré en lo que escribiste en español. La manera en que empezaste me encanta, hace que el lector se involucre en el texto de manera que siga leyendo, porque quiere saber lo que sucederá. Y si no lo leo morirá de la curiosidad... esa soy yo, siendo exagerada. xD Pero felicidades, excelente trabajo con el comienzo.

Teresabanosg wrote:A im me interesaba la aventura, aprender cosas nuevas. Los colores brillantes y la irregularidad. Como un caleidoscopio.

Encrontré un error de dedo.

Teresabanosg wrote:Todo lo que se podría descubrir con un poco de investigación, encubierto por la fina tela del pasado.
Ésta oración es mi favorita. La leí como diez veces de tan asombrada que me dejó.

Sinceramente, no tengo idea como tus escritos pueden ser mejorados. Realmente eres una muy buena escritora!

Keep writing!

~Solly<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Thu Nov 03, 2011 2:11 pm
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Teresabanosg says...



Muchas gracias por leerla y muchas gracias por tu comentario. :)
Ya corregí el error de dedo.
-Teresa <3
Am I crazy enough?
  








You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
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