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Devourer of Souls chapter 2!



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Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:36 pm
PandaRawr says...



Chapter 2
The study was covered with wall to wall bookshelves on three of the walls, floor to ceiling. There were hundreds of books in this room alone and Grandfather had read every one. It had always been one of my favorite rooms in the house. Almost every night I would curl up on the floor by the fireplace on the one wall without books and read all night long. I loved the smell of the leather books and the feel of the crisp pages. Sometimes I would just walk around and run my fingers along the spines of the books and imagine what lay just beneath my fingertips.

The man walked to the back shelf on the very top row. Restricted Books. Grandfather had given me almost no rules as long as I was responsible but the ones he did give me I never broke. I had free run of any book in the house unless it was on that shelf, and even though he was dead it still felt wrong to disobey Grandfather. As the man looked through the books, searching for something particular I asked, “Why did you attack me?”

He didn't even turn around to answer me, “I was testing your abilities. You would stand no chance against a real threat but with training you'll be as good as before.”

That answer made no sense and left me frustrated. “What does that mean, 'As good as before,'? And I will have you know that I can take care of myself just fine.”

“I can tell. You took care of yourself last night didn't you?” So it was him at the cemetery. He continued by giving me another cryptic answer, “I will explain it all in a moment. Show and tell works better than just tell with this.”

Since it didn't seem like I was going to get any answers that made sense at the moment I held my tongue. Then I thought of something that might get a straight answer and asked, “What is your name?”

He finally turned around and looked me in the eye. “Damien.

“Well do you have a last name Damien?” I was still ill at ease but I wanted to know more, there was something interesting about him.

“Prometheus,” That was certainly interesting. Like the Roman god. For a moment I became distracted by the thought of just how well he could pass for a god, with his firm muscles and a face that looked like it was sculpted in Olympus itself. He turned back around and finally pulled out a large leather book that was worn and probably older than me. He sat it down on the large cherry oak desk and for a moment just looked at it.

“I'm Lissiana, but Grandfather called me Lissi.” my voice seemed to startle him because when he looked up it was like he expected someone else to be standing there.

“I know who you are. I will always know you Lussiera.” When the words came out he looked just as surprised by it as me. The name struck something inside me and I took a step towards him as if pulled by an undeniable force. His expression turned from shocked to something I didn’t understand. It was like a flame started in my heart and grew until it consumed me. For a moment we stood like that, saying nothing and staring into each others eyes. After what seemed like forever he looked down. He shook his head and said something to himself I couldn't hear. When he said, “Come here,” he seemed to have recovered from whatever had just happened, and was focused intently on the book again. I walked over beside him and laid the knife on a table on the desk, so that it wasn't in reach. Whatever had happened when he said that name, a part of me had decided to trust him, even against my better judgment.

When he opened the book there was a white envelope that was torn on the ends and turning yellow with age. On the front my name was written in what was unmistakably Grandfather's long, elegant handwriting. I ran my thumb under the seal and pulled out the letter. As I began to read, tears ran down my cheeks.

My Dear Lissiana,
As I sit beside you tonight you are only three years old. You feel asleep on the couch again, but tonight I will let you stay. The thought of the burdens that will befall on you later fills my heart with sorrow, but I have put off writing this too long. I realize that if you are reading this then I have failed. Oh how I hope you never read this letter, but if you are everything is about to change. Usually we wait until you are eighteen, but it seems I must have died already. Everything in your life has been leading up to this point, but it is so hard to think of letting all of this fall onto your fragile shoulders. There is much I wish I could tell you, but at this point you must trust Damien. He is your only hope. What he says is true. Believe him however impossible it seems you are part of something bigger, you always have been. Remember, there are bad things that wait in the dark. Shine bright my star. I love you Lissiana.
Grandfather.

I had turned away from Damien while reading the letter and I wiped my eyes before turning around. He was looking at me with so much sorrow and pain that I almost cried again, but I wouldn't let myself. “I loved him too, but we will see him again someday,” His words were so low I almost thought I imagined them.

Grandfather's note had made me sad, but filled me with an iron will to figure all of this out so I said, “Tell me what I need to know.” He nodded and looked me in the eye.

“You excel in foreign languages, as if you already know them. You are drawn to old cultures, especially the ancient Romans. Modern technology, well modern anything really, has no appeal to you, and sometimes things happen that seem impossible, exactly when you wish them too.” I was shocked, and cringed from the insight he had into my thoughts but at the same time mystified.

“How did you know all of that?”

“Because I know you,” Again there was something in his eyes that burned through me, but it soon faded as my gaze traveled down to the picture in the book.

It was a girl that looked only a few years older than me sitting by a lake in a long elegant dress that was simple but the most beautiful I had ever seen. Hair down to her waist was the color of a chocolate kiss. She was tall and curvy, and she had strong cheekbones. She was beautiful, but there was something about her that was sad. She held herself as if ready for the world to fall around her. There was so much pain, and sorrow, and fear in her eyes. Her eyes were the only part of the picture in color. They were as blue as the open sky, or the crystal water of the sea. I knew right away who it was.

“It's me,” I whispered in confusion and awe. Of course it was me, down to the smallest detail, but I had never been this person. Still, I felt as if I was, I felt her sorrow and pain and fear. It was what I was feeling now, now that everything I knew was about to change just like Grandfather had said.

In that moment I knew that I would follow Damien to the ends of the earth, that everything about this was true. I didn't know how or why, but I knew that I was the girl in the picture. Damien must have seen something in my face because he nodded and turned the page. When he spoke and my past was laid before me.

“Morta, the Roman goddess of death, was always shunned by the other gods. They considered her a minor a god and nothing of importance, but humans feared her more than any god because they knew that if her wrath was unleashed, it would be upon them. They were right. Over the centuries her hate festered as she was continually underestimated. In 117 a.d. the gods blessed the Roman Empire and they were at their most powerful. That was when Morta's rage boiled over. She killed the populace and eventually the emperor died.” Finally I couldn't hold my words back any longer.

“There is no record of massive death during that period especially of the emperor. I know my Roman history and I don't think I could miss something of that much importance.” My defensive side had kicked in. I was a sore loser, and couldn't stand to be wrong. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at him. He sighed in frustration as if we had had this discussion before.

“Of course you haven't heard of it,” he ran his hand through his hair while he talked and a tingle ran down my spine as the fire in his eyes grew. When he continued his voice was lower and words softer, “All records where destroyed and the without proof the knowledge was lost over the years.”

“But why would they do that?” My confusion grew when he didn't answer. He looked at me for a moment, but it wasn't the way he had earlier when the fire shot through me. He was assessing me again, seeing if I was ready for what he was going to say. I held my ground and forced myself not to be the first to look away.

“Because of this,” He turned the page and I knew even when I looked down at the picture that he was still watching me. My first reaction to the picture was terror. There was a man there but he was half made of mist, black mist, like a shadow. He was covered with scars and he looked like he had just been sown back together like Frankenstein. On the next page was an arm with a scar that seemed familiar, but I couldn't place it.

I just looked up at Damien because I was at a complete loss for words. His whole body was like stone. He stood rigid and stared at me with his impossibly black eyes. He was so upset that I couldn't help but reach out and touch his arm in an attempt to comfort him. At first he became even more tense like my touch had electrocuted him, but just as I was about to pull away he relaxed into my hand. The warmth that spread through me wasn't the raging fire of before but the comfortable feeling of home.

I pulled my hand back and turned around abruptly. I walked over to one of the other shelves and pretended to be looking for something. I scared me how quickly I was becoming comfortable with the man who had attacked me half an hour ago. Although the situation was clearly unique, and Grandfather had told me to trust Damien, it seemed much to fast. I took a deep breath to clam myself and shoved all thought from my mind except for ones about the picture.

I faced him again and he looked confused but I didn't look at him for more than seconds at a time and made sure I didn't touch him again. I gently touched the picture when my shock had faded traced the scar on the man's wrist.

Finally I asked him, “What happened next?” I didn't look at him but continued to stare at the picture. For a moment he didn't say anything. When he did he sounded somber. And as the story continued on his voice grew dark.

“Morta began to grow even more assured in her power. The other gods where troubled and didn't know what she was going to do next. Finally after many deaths she made her final move. As the goddess of death she had control over the dead. She took the dead and gave them life. She reanimated their bodies but their was no soul, no humanity, and without humanity or goodness there is only evil.” he pointed to the mark that was on the wrist and said, “It is a scythe. The symbol of death and it was engraved on every one of them that Morta created. As if bringing back the dead were not enough she added a twist. The monsters could only survive by taking the souls of humans. They were called Devorantem Animarum, Latin for Devourer of Souls. They wreaked havoc on the populace of not only the Romans but the world. She created hundreds and there was no known way of killing them. Humans where even pushed the point where they offered human sacrifices to Morta in order to protect themselves and their family. She reveled in their praise and her power grew with every death. Finally the other gods hands were forced. They came to Morta and begged her to destroy the monsters. For days they came and each day she dismissed them and kept creating undead creatures. One day Jupiter came himself, king of the gods, and demanded Morta to stop. She had waited for Jupiter because she despised him most of all for shunning her. Now she flaunted her power.”

“She told Jupiter that she would stop creating the Devorantem for the sacrifice of one girl. She was eighteen and beautiful, in her prime. She was also the Empress of the Roman Empire at the time. Only that girls blood would satisfy Morta. No one knows why Morta chose the Empress but Jupiter could only agree. And even then Morta would not destroy her creations, but she made them less savage. They didn't kill all of the time. They only hunted when the sun went down and learned to camouflage themselves so they could fit in with society.”

I sat down on the edge of the desk as I processed everything. It was horrible and was something that belonged in a horror movie not my life. I still didn't understand all of it had to do with me, and I had a feeling that when I did I wouldn't like it. I looked down at the picture again and the feeling in my gut of great disgust grew. I could picture this thing, the Devorantem Animarum, slinking down a dark alley and stealing life from any unlucky enough to walk by. I shook my head. I had to focus, not think of it being me walking by that alley.

“So they killed her,” I knew they did. It was the only way to stop it, but I still felt sick at the thought. I finally looked up at Damien and every part of him screamed sad. His hunched shoulders, his half closed eyes, his pursed lips.

“Jupiter descended from the heavens and came to the girl. He told her what must be done and even though she feared for her life she was willing to give it up in order to stop Morta. When he saw her bravery he came up with a plan to stop Morta completely. He gave the empress a gift. He wrapped her in his power and she absorbed a part of his immortality. He told her that on that night she would die, but in time she would be reborn again. The important part though was this; The Devorantem took souls through the mind. They latched on to the very thing that made a person who they where and they drew it out. The reason they couldn't be stopped was because humans had no control over the mind. What Jupiter gave the Empress allowed her to do to the Devorantem Animarum exactly what they did to humans,”

I almost screamed as everything in me turned red with rage, “But why? Why give her the power to stop them if he was only going to kill her? It makes no sense!”

His calmness was a direct comparison to my ferocity, “Because that was the only way to stop their numbers from growing. After her death the only ones in the world where the only ones there would ever be, and every so often she would be reborn. Jupiter gave her a part of himself, making her half god. The Devorantem took human souls through breaking into mortals mind and stealing what made them human. Something changed in her and she had complete control over her mind. In a way she stopped them by doing what the did to humans. She locked onto their life and shut it down. In her lived she would live normally until her eighteenth birthday when her memories would come back and she would hunt the Devorantem once again, but she couldn't do it alone. Jupiter granted her two guardians that she would be bound to her for the rest of eternity. She chose Julius, he had served her family faithfully for many years and was like a father to her after her own had died. He would be reborn right before the Empress and serve as a father, or brother, someone close to her. He never had to wait to regain his memories. He had them at the beginning of every cycle and he always took her into his care and protected her with his life.”

“Who was the other?” My question was barley a whisper but I knew he heard me.

He almost seemed withdrawn as he spoke of the second warrior. “He was young but strong. He along with Julius, was a personal guard of the Empress. For some reason she took a liking to him. She chose him as her second guardian, and he was willing to cut his own throat for her. But his gift was different from Julius's. He would never die. Not until every beast was slain. He walked the earth waiting for his Empress to come back and doing what he could to stop the Devorantem, but only she could truly kill them.”

I thought about it. I was ninety percent sure I knew where all of this was heading and Grandfather was right. It was a lot to put on one persons shoulders and I didn't want to accept that. I could not carry the weight of the world. I stood slowly never dropping Damien's gaze. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. And his next words where the car plunging into me and turning everything in the sane world upside down.

“Lissiana you are part of something bigger than the mundane life you live. You always have been. In your heart you know its true, you know what you have to do. Since that first life you where never excepted into a human existence. Mortals shun you, not because you are ugly, or a freak, but because they are scared of you. Even the most oblivious human could tell that you are not like them. You are so much more. You have the strength of an Empress, the bravery of a hero, but most of all you have the power of a god.”

No words ever had such an impact on anyone before. Just like that, in the space of an hour, I was something different than I had always believed. I was a new type of demi-god. And most of all I held the fate of the world in my hands. Oh how cliché it all was.
When you turn to face the sun, all of the shadows fall behind you.
I used to be Writer97 but that was boring so I changed it. PandaRawr is more me.
  





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Thu Jul 21, 2011 4:22 pm
silentwords says...



Wow! I am really liking this story! It is very interesting and I want to keep reading more. You will have to tell me when you post the next chapter (:
I love your writing style! This is actually the type of book I would pick out at the library. So glad you asked me to read it ;D
Ahahaha, I just love these god/history/fantasy types of stories. Not entirely sure how to categorize it? :P
I am also really liking your main character. Your writing is making it really easy to connect with her and see the story happening from her perspective. You really are talented (:
My only issue with the story so far is, how old is Damien? Is he around Lissiana's age, or is he going to be more of a father figure to her?
Also, there were some grammar issues that I found while reading. Again, if you want me to point them out just ask!

Anyways, loving the story so far! Let me know when you post the next part :D
I'd like to think I'm creative... instead of just plain weird ;D
  





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Thu Jul 21, 2011 4:41 pm
Sannah says...



This is epic... I'm not sure if it was an accident or not, but you spelled Lissiana's name wrong once here:
"“I know who you are. I will always know you Lussiera.”" Just a typo.

I don't have very much to say in regards of anything really because it was so amazing and since I love the story so much I am just a tad biased but... I will try. I think that you did a great job of explaining the situation. Now I can't wait to see how she hunts the Devorantem Animarum and how the creatures blend into society. How will they find them? It all is very interesting. The way you described her feelings about the creatures was good too; she hasn't even met one yet and she already hates them, like she knew about them beforehand. There is a lot of things I would like to know about Damien: is he walking the Earth forever, how old is he, how he feels about Lissiana, and other things.

Some of your sentences did confuse me because of the way they were worded and I had to reread them. I'm sorry I'm not much help. I love this story and if it was a book I would read it. :)

You can be sure that I will read the next chapter. :) Let me know when you post it please!
"Raise your voice every single time they try and shut your mouth." My Chemical Romance
"I will never cease to fly if held down and I will always reach too high." Vanessa Carlton
"And rest assured, cause' dreams don't turn to dust." Owl City
  





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Fri Jul 29, 2011 12:47 am
lele253isme says...



Wow, I was leaning, actually leaning, into my computer screen. The story keeps progressing and getting better and better. This is the type of book I would love to read. History, romance, fighting. Your book is awesome, I can't wait for the next chapter to come out!!!!!
  





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Wed Aug 03, 2011 6:21 am
Payne says...



Thanks for letting me know you'd posted this!

“What does that mean, 'As good as before[,]'?


When the words came out he looked just as surprised by it as me. [This reads a bit rough. Consider changing it to something like this: 'When the words came out, he looked just as surprised as I was.']


You feel fell asleep on the couch again,


The thought of the burdens that will befall fall on you later fills my heart with sorrow, but I have put off writing this for too long


Hmm, very intriguing! I admit, I normally don't get into romances, especially ones of this type, but you really have brought something new to it. It's actually...well, realistic, I suppose. It's not over-dramatized, you haven't tried to go all misty-eyed and angsty. She feels something for him, he feels something for her, and they don't spend three hours mooning over each other with meaningful stares.
Ahem...done ranting.

The story flow is a bit rough, but nothing a bit of polishing won't fix. There were also numerous spelling and grammar errors. I'd suggest going back over it, just checking for such errors.

Also, interesting story idea. It seems archetypical at first, but there are definitely some original elements, and I like it. Very much. I especially like the concept of Lissi going around, basically hitting these creatures with a taste of their own medicine.

Overall, you have me hooked. Looking forward to seeing what comes next.

Happy writing.
I aim to misbehave.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? --Steven Wright
  





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Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:42 am
RacheDrache says...



Oh, my. The chemistry between the two is getting slightly scandalous already. Probably because their relationship is just shy of two thousand years old and he has to keep watching her die all the time.

There is a potential there that you are obligated by the writing gods to explore, m'dear. And you can guarantee that as I continue reviewing this, I'm going to be looking for the enormity and complexity and pain in that relationship. It'd be easy to make it all typical, hot guy and beautiful girl, both badasses. But I'm not going to be allowing any typicality on your part. Your talent is too great for it.

(Also, please notify me every time you post a new chapter so that I know.)

A few general technical items:

The study was covered with wall to wall bookshelves on three of the walls, floor to ceiling. There were hundreds of books in this room alone and Grandfather had read every one. It had always been one of my favorite rooms in the house. Almost every night I would curl up on the floor by the fireplace on the one wall without books and read all night long. I loved the smell of the leather books and the feel of the crisp pages. Sometimes I would just walk around and run my fingers along the spines of the books and imagine what lay just beneath my fingertips.


This paragraph meanders. It's meant to impart information to the reader--the study has lots of books, Grandfather had read every one, she likes reading and likes books. And while it does say that, it's not organized or delicate or strategic or concise about it. Not to mention, the repetition. Just a first draft, though, so no big deal.

The slightly bigger deal is narrative accuracy and intention. Is this just something for the reader again? Or is she actually thinking about all the books and how Grandfather had loved to read and how she loved to read as she's walking in, despite being attacked, despite the stranger in her house? I'd rather have her thoughts and emotions, perhaps, on having this stranger enter so sacred a place, having him touch the books (with perhaps the same care she or her grandfather would use), him leafing through the pages.

Combining the big deal and the little deal, look out for ways to give the reader information in ways that do double duty. You do this with the Restricted Shelf, working in her reaction to that shelf as well as the fact that it's restricted. Layering in this way makes things tighter, and you can use it to get the reader to swallow lots of things. Unfortunately, at least for me, it's a lot easier to notice in writing and a lot harder to make the actual blending happen. To put the idea in your head, though, there it is.

All right, next thing to ramble at you about... Oh, yeah. Boring punctuation stuff. Dialogue formatting.

That's a link to the fundamentals: topic44898.html

With my addition:

So, with this sentence:

“I can tell. You took care of yourself last night didn't you?” So it was him at the cemetery. He continued by giving me another cryptic answer, “I will explain it all in a moment. Show and tell works better than just tell with this.”


Should be, He continued by giving me another cryptic answer: "I will..

Why the colon? Because the dialogue in the quotations is the "cryptic answer." Just like in "I went to the store to get the following: bread, butter, and cheese"... the bread, butter, and cheese are "the following." Does that make sense? If not, just trust me and change it. Colons aren't used often in dialogue tags because the situation doesn't come often where the tag references what's being said in the entirety.

Indirect tags, now.

He didn't even turn around to answer me, “I was testing your abilities. You would stand no chance against a real threat but with training you'll be as good as before.”


Should be He didn't even turn around to answer me. "I was...

The reason is that the dialogue itself isn't part of the tag. "He didn't even turn around to answer me." is a sentence on its own right. In a sentence like, I dunno, Bob said, "Hello." you need the comma because the "hello" is what Bob's saying. If you just had "Bob said." the reader would wonder, "Well, what did he say?"

If the grammar of it doesn't make sense, then just read them aloud to figure out if you need a comma, period, or even a colon. If you read it all as one sentence, a comma. If you stop, a period. Colon gets a strange colon-y emphasis.

Now I'm being confusing. Back to other items on the menu.

For a moment I became distracted by the thought of just how well he could pass for a god, with his firm muscles and a face that looked like it was sculpted in Olympus itself.


I'm flagging this one for both typicalness and being a tone splat. So far, I haven't gotten a grungy, snippy, quick-witted personality from Lissi. Intelligent, yes. Empress-like, as you've now revealed. Not 21st century sass queen with a little grin thinking, "That'd explain your face," in a play on the old phrase, sculpted by the gods.

And because I haven't gotten that witty quickness from Lissi, the line hits me with the full weight of the cliche and my inner romance blah-er rolls her eyes.

Same goes, and I know you'll hate to hear it, the ending:

Oh how cliché it all was.


I know your aim was to temper the clicheness, but the fact is that admitting the clicheness has been done before and in itself become cliche...and so, to me, the line had the opposite effect of desired and made me look at all the typicals instead of all the brilliance. Now, if this were a more tongue-in-cheek story, or if Lissi were more sassy, it could possibly work, but you've gone full-blown serious and that's one of my favorite things about it. Your task, though, then becomes to make all the typical brilliant. You've done what with the tone and the pacing and the voice of the narrator, but consistency will be important. More than anything, consistency is perhaps most important.

My final comment for now is still back to typicalness (if you have me keep reviewing, you will probably hear this word more than you want to). You have some moments here where it seems as if you fall back on what would happen in another book or movie. Most of these are tendencies toward the dramatic or melodramatic. Such as...

I stood slowly never dropping Damien's gaze. I felt like a deer caught in headlights. And his next words where the car plunging into me and turning everything in the sane world upside down.


I almost screamed as everything in me turned red with rage,


And as the story continued on his voice grew dark.


Lines like these made it all feel like the typical "Explanation of your destiny" scene. Maybe this is what she actually does, and it's ripe and dripping with drama, but in the last chapter, all the details and the pacing and such gave the story such a wonderful realness. I as a reader want to believe that she really is this demigod empress, and I want to feel that. A lot of the time, you do make us feel that, because of the way things...well, flow and the voice and the tone, as aforementioned.

But you know how an acoustic version of the song can be even more impactful than the version with all the riffs and the crazy stuff and bangs? Or how that simple blackberry pie, less than ten ingredients in it, is better than anything else? Think of it like that--you don't need to have all the ooo's and aaa's with a source material as potentially deep as this.

To me, Lissi's reaction straddled this line between What The Usual Teenage Girl Does Upon Discovering Her Destiny and what Lissi does. I want what Lissi does. Otherwise everything's just a change of venue, exchanging extravagant high fantasy worlds for ancient real world ones, one hot guy for another.

I hope this helps out! You have an utterly fantastic amount of potential at your finger tips and the talent to do something with it, so have at it. Any questions, come bug me.

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

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