Young Writers Society

This is my prologue to my new story (more like a long novel) I'm working on. Enjoy!

Prologue: An Uncertain Death
Stealth of the night went through quietly in the trees. The wind was silent, taking a nice rest around the Godfin's old black mansion. Despite the fact it was in the middle of nowhere, it looked astounding. It stood out like a sore thumb in the middle of Dallas, Texas. A fence of black steel bars surrounded the flat land. The mansion was just a few yards away, resting on top of a hill. Right along the road, was the gate to the Godfin's home.
In the darkness, someone stood in front of it. A teenage boy, shivering in the cold of night. He was wearing black pants with chains dangling off of them, and jet-black hair that dropped to his white T-shirt. His feet were bare and stood on the cold dirt. His peircing blue eyes stared down onto the earth. A horde of crows were pecking at his feet. One crow in particular gazed on him with a glare. The boy spat on the ground with disgust. "I know what your thinking" he whispered, quietly. "You don't want me to do it, do you?" The black bird gave him a curt nod, continuing his gaze. The boy spat again "Like I care what you think. I'm doing it. This is the only way the readings won't come true, and we can rule our land. Don't you want that Doberly?" He glared at the bird, waiting for a reply. There was pause for a moment. The crow cawed in response and gave him a Fine-do what-you-want look. The boy sighed and softened his gaze. "I give you my thanks" he said, simply.
The group of crows dissapeared as dawn approached. It's time, his thoughts rang out. The boy leaped into the air and landed softly on the other side of the gate. He walked slowly to the door of the mansion. Only just a few moments more, he reminded himself, and it's mine. Without hesitation, he tore the door down with his bare foot and stepped inside, seeming like nothing happened. His ears rang as he heard the alarm go off. Peering inside, this house was huge. The living room was right in front of him, and in the corner was a spiral staircase, leading upstairs. He raced up the stairs and searched in many rooms. Bathrooms that he couldn't count, a laundry room, six guest rooms, and a playroom. But he couldn't find any rooms where someone was sleeping in.
He stopped into a room that was a the end of the hallway. Another guest room, but this one seemed different. There was a pink bed in the corner. Next to it was a dresser with a clock and lamp on top. A portrait sat beside the lamp. Two little girls with a father behind them at a sandy beach. The boy examined it closely. One of the girls had bright red hair tied back into a ponytail. She was building a sand castle in her tye-dyed colored bathing suit. The other one had midnight black hair, that draped a little passed her shoulder blades. She was examining a hermit crab crawling on the sticky sand. The boy looked at the black haired one for a slight moment, and then turned his gaze to the other one. That was her, he finally relized. The one would do impossible things in his land, as said so in the stories. And she was only a human. That's never going to happen, he thought bitterly, because the stories aren't going to come true after I'm done here.
Suddenly, he heard a rustle in the background. He turned around quickly to see that it was the family. The father stood in front of his daughters with a bar in his hand. He glanced breifly behind him. The red haired girl looked like she wanted to fight, but only to see her sister was holding her back. His gaze was back on the father, only to see the hint of fear in his sea-green eyes. "Why the hell are you here" he managed to ask. The boy only chuckled at the question. He stayed silent with a smirk on his face. He charged toward him and shoved him out of the way. In his pocket he pulled out a dagger. It looked like it had never been used for bloodshed. This dagger only had scatches on it because of chopping trees or doing handwork. As he approached the girls, his eyes were all on the red head. Her face had fear as he came closer and closer. To his surprise, her sister came in front of her and tried to scare him off. "Like you have a chance" he murmured to the girl. But all she did was stare at him, deep into his eyes. The boy stopped for moment and looked into the eyes, like he was in a trance. Those blue eyes were the reason he stopped dead, like they were connected.
After what seemed an hour, he shook off the trance and shoved her out of the way. He raised his dagger and looked down on the little girl. Her face was filled with horror. This was it. He was to plunge this dagger into her heart and she would be dead. Dead of what the stories prophecised. That this girl would ruin his element and the Shadow people would be dead. But that was not going to happen. Never. Now that he was here and was about to do his terrible deed. He closed his eyes and stabbed into her chest. The blood was raining down on his face. He could hear screams in the background. His eyes opened and he stood. Now he looked down at his finished work, about to put on a satisfied face. Instead, it was unhappy. The little girl wasn't dead. Not a drop of blood was on her. Her father was dead. Lying on the floor and blood spreading on the floor. "Dammit!" The boy spat. This was not his day. He looked at the two daughters crying over his body. He smiled now. This was his chance. He appraoched slowly again, but now wasn't the time. Sirens were ringing outside the house. The boy looked around, wondering how the humans could've knew. Then he noticed a phone nearby dangling off the table next to the bed. The kid called the police, he relized, when I was about to kill her sister.
The boy turned back to the girls, and saw that the red-haired girl was glaring at him - with hatred. Her eyes were beaming. For some reason, that stare was so hard, the boy felt his knees about to fall to the floor. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew him away, crashing through the window in the bedroom. He heard voices everywhere - of his past, present, and future. Everything was getting darker and darker, until he fell unconsious.

He heard a caw, and everything around him was light. The boy sat up. He was in a cave, covered in a bed made with twigs and leaves sown together. A fire was next to him, burning bright. He winced as he lifted his left arm and he looked down. It was wrapped with a bandage of bannana leaves. He looked beside him and saw a raven. A jet-black raven that was among the crows last evening. The raven's pupils were dark as space itself. "W-what happened, Doberly?" the boy asked it. The raven cawed angrily at him. The boy sighed "So, I'm vanished back here in Lindonen. And my left arm got cut on the way - you say? Don't worry Doberly. I know you're upset - but my mission isn't over yet." The raven gave a small, sad caw and flew off out of the cave.
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I hope yall like it. I'm workin on Chapter 1 right now, but it's kinda boring...... Stay cool peeps and please COMMENT!!!

Oi Vey. It does need some work. But it's promising. And yeah, I can be a harsh critiquer. But I like you're story, so I'm going to help you with it. It started off a bit slow, the opening paragraph I have to say was horrible. But once you get going on it the action is relentless, interesting and captivating. I couldn't stop reading it. There were a LOT of good points to this story, and since I have time (and I'm trying to help you out and raise your self-esteem lol ) I'll list them.

The scenery was vivid and easy to picture. The characters were well developed in a short period of time. The writing was quite decent, not too long but not too short.

The Negetives? Your sentence structure needs work. Your paragraphing needs work. You use cliche, overused ideas and description. I mean come on the Shadow people? No offense, the idea behind it was excellent, the name...Was not. And uh, you killed these girlie's daddy, aren't they gonna be a little, ah, hysterical? And why does he do nothing while this girl holds the weirdo boy w/ knife in a trance for an hour? Also, you personify things like stealth and the wind. Maybe you have a reason for this, but it's too early on and the reader can't handle that yet. Okay, onto the actual critique!

Stealth of the night went through quietly in the trees. The wind was silent, taking a nice rest around the Godfin's old black mansion. Despite the fact it was in the middle of nowhere, it looked astounding. It stood out like a sore thumb in the middle of Dallas, Texas. A fence of black steel bars surrounded the flat land. The mansion was just a few yards away, resting on top of a hill. Right along the road, was the gate to the Godfin's home.

Okay, stealth is a verb, not a noun, as you seem to be using it in this subject. To be stealthy is to be sneaky. So stealth doesn't exactly go through trees, unless someone is walking stealthily through the trees. The wind is taking a rest is it? Ergh. Now you're personifying the wind. Bad idea. The descriptive sentences didn't do anything for me, either.

In the darkness, someone stood in front of it. A teenage boy, shivering in the cold of night. He was wearing black pants with chains dangling off of them, and jet-black hair that dropped to his white T-shirt. His feet were bare and stood on the cold dirt. His peircing blue eyes stared down onto the earth. A horde of crows were pecking at his feet. One crow in particular gazed on him with a glare. The boy spat on the ground with disgust. "I know what your thinking" he whispered, quietly. "You don't want me to do it, do you?" The black bird gave him a curt nod, continuing his gaze. The boy spat again "Like I care what you think. I'm doing it. This is the only way the readings won't come true, and we can rule our land. Don't you want that Doberly?" He glared at the bird, waiting for a reply. There was pause for a moment. The crow cawed in response and gave him a Fine-do what-you-want look. The boy sighed and softened his gaze. "I give you my thanks" he said, simply.

You describe the boy too plainly. "His this," and "his that." It sounded run-onish and dull. Eyes are always described as "piercing," aren't they? Maybe you could use a different, more descriptive adjetive. Instead of saying "the crow gazed at him with a glare" just say "one crow glared at him." Good bit of dialogue, though. Paragraph after "do you?". Paragraph after "gaze." Next sentence the boy says is vair vair cliche. Doberly is a good name for a bird. Since the bird just "glared" at him, maybe you could use a different adjetive. Uh, don't get me wrong, it's sweet and everything, but what GOTH BOY ever said in a million years "I give you my thanks? LOL.

The group of crows dissapeared as dawn approached. It's time, his thoughts rang out. The boy leaped into the air and landed softly on the other side of the gate. He walked slowly to the door of the mansion. Only just a few moments more, he reminded himself, and it's mine. Without hesitation, he tore the door down with his bare foot and stepped inside, seeming like nothing happened. His ears rang as he heard the alarm go off. Peering inside, this house was huge. The living room was right in front of him, and in the corner was a spiral staircase, leading upstairs. He raced up the stairs and searched in many rooms. Bathrooms that he couldn't count, a laundry room, six guest rooms, and a playroom. But he couldn't find any rooms where someone was sleeping in.

wow he can jump fences. Instead of saying "seeming like nothing happened," say "it seemed like nothing had happened." Don't say "this" house say "the" house. Don't say "the living room was right in front of him" say "he was standing in the living room." Since most staircases lead upstairs, i don't think you need to add that. Don't say "but he couldn't find any rooms where someone was sleeping in" say "but all of the rooms were vacant of what he searched for...a human being" or I dunno something like that.

He stopped into a room that was a the end of the hallway. Another guest room, but this one seemed different. There was a pink bed in the corner. Next to it was a dresser with a clock and lamp on top. A portrait sat beside the lamp. Two little girls with a father behind them at a sandy beach. The boy examined it closely. One of the girls had bright red hair tied back into a ponytail. She was building a sand castle in her tye-dyed colored bathing suit. The other one had midnight black hair, that draped a little passed her shoulder blades. She was examining a hermit crab crawling on the sticky sand. The boy looked at the black haired one for a slight moment, and then turned his gaze to the other one. That was her, he finally relized. The one would do impossible things in his land, as said so in the stories. And she was only a human. That's never going to happen, he thought bitterly, because the stories aren't going to come true after I'm done here.

I can't find anything wrong with this. Nice job! the descriptions aren't overkill at all and the reader can see it clearly.

Suddenly, he heard a rustle in the background. He turned around quickly to see that it was the family. The father stood in front of his daughters with a bar in his hand. He glanced breifly behind him. The red haired girl looked like she wanted to fight, but only to see her sister was holding her back. His gaze was back on the father, only to see the hint of fear in his sea-green eyes. "Why the hell are you here" he managed to ask. The boy only chuckled at the question. He stayed silent with a smirk on his face. He charged toward him and shoved him out of the way. In his pocket he pulled out a dagger. It looked like it had never been used for bloodshed. This dagger only had scatches on it because of chopping trees or doing handwork. As he approached the girls, his eyes were all on the red head. Her face had fear as he came closer and closer. To his surprise, her sister came in front of her and tried to scare him off. "Like you have a chance" he murmured to the girl. But all she did was stare at him, deep into his eyes. The boy stopped for moment and looked into the eyes, like he was in a trance. Those blue eyes were the reason he stopped dead, like they were connected.

Reshape your second sentence here, it didn't sound right. Breifly should be briefly. After the next comma, change it from "but only to see her sister was holding her back" to "but her sister held her back." Sea-green--lovely description. Paragraph after "eyes." instead of "in his pocket he pulled out a dagger" say "He pulled a dagger from his pocket" or something like that. How could anyone know if I knife had or had not been used for bloodshed? Next sentence is irrelevant, reshape it if you must keep it. Paragraph after "scare him off." Reshape the last sentence it sounds wrong.

After what seemed an hour, he shook off the trance and shoved her out of the way. He raised his dagger and looked down on the little girl. Her face was filled with horror. This was it. He was to plunge this dagger into her heart and she would be dead. Dead of what the stories prophecised. That this girl would ruin his element and the Shadow people would be dead. But that was not going to happen. Never. Now that he was here and was about to do his terrible deed. He closed his eyes and stabbed into her chest. The blood was raining down on his face. He could hear screams in the background. His eyes opened and he stood. Now he looked down at his finished work, about to put on a satisfied face. Instead, it was unhappy. The little girl wasn't dead. Not a drop of blood was on her. Her father was dead. Lying on the floor and blood spreading on the floor. "Dammit!" The boy spat. This was not his day. He looked at the two daughters crying over his body. He smiled now. This was his chance. He appraoched slowly again, but now wasn't the time. Sirens were ringing outside the house. The boy looked around, wondering how the humans could've knew. Then he noticed a phone nearby dangling off the table next to the bed. The kid called the police, he relized, when I was about to kill her sister.

After an hour the father still hasn't done anything? You suggest vaguely that he had been killed but you don't make it clear enough, so this confuses the reader. elements and shadow people huh? okaydokay, coolioso. You don't make it clear how the father is killed here either! OI VEY what is going on? after "floor" paragraph. haha, "this was not his day" had a touch of sardonic irony, good line. "relized" should be "realized"

The boy turned back to the girls, and saw that the red-haired girl was glaring at him - with hatred. Her eyes were beaming. For some reason, that stare was so hard, the boy felt his knees about to fall to the floor. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew him away, crashing through the window in the bedroom. He heard voices everywhere - of his past, present, and future. Everything was getting darker and darker, until he fell unconsious.

Lovely. Never change it. Except the spelling on unconsious, which should be unconcious.

He heard a caw, and everything around him was light. The boy sat up. He was in a cave, covered in a bed made with twigs and leaves sown together. A fire was next to him, burning bright. He winced as he lifted his left arm and he looked down. It was wrapped with a bandage of bannana leaves. He looked beside him and saw a raven. A jet-black raven that was among the crows last evening. The raven's pupils were dark as space itself. "W-what happened, Doberly?" the boy asked it. The raven cawed angrily at him. The boy sighed "So, I'm vanished back here in Lindonen. And my left arm got cut on the way - you say? Don't worry Doberly. I know you're upset - but my mission isn't over yet." The raven gave a small, sad caw and flew off out of the cave.

Instead of "A jet-black raven" say "the jet black raven." Paragraph after "itself." Paragraph after "yet."

Well Im going to give Misty here a great big clap, as that was just fantastic, nicely done. I agree, completely, which is I know, lazy of me, but hey. Look at the custom rank.

Anyways, nice work both of you

could u make some spaces? pretty please. so its easier to read. cuz i do want to read it, the title is curious.

Lol. Thanks Misty for the help! I'm a SUPER bad speller and bad at grammer, too. Thanks. And, I meant to say in the story that it seemed like an hour. Not that it was an hour. Just wanted to say that.

oh, okay. Didn't catch that. That clears it up a bit. No problem, what am I here for? if you ever have anything you want me to crit, just PM me. I almost always respond.

Welcome!

~Misty