Young Writers Society

i edited it hopefully and added some filler, I hope it's enough:)
constructive criticism please =]



When I got to Belliveau, just from the looks of it, I knew I was going to like it there. I was escorted to my room by a black hair, blue-eyed flirty 10Th grader. He promised I would love it here.

I unlocked the door and all I could here was Green day blasting on a stereo. I stepped into the room to see a girl jumping on her bed. She was wearing only a tee-shirt and boy shorts and singing into a hairbrush.

When she saw me, her face brightened and she jumped of the bed. She turned of the radio and ran over to hug me.
“Yay! A new roomie!” she exclaimed.

She released me and I don’t think she even took a breath before she started talking again.
“I’m Elise, my brother calls me Eli, but I hate when he does that. You can just call me Elise. I’m so glad you’re here, I’ve been so lonely and I hate talking to myself…” she talked for a good 20 minutes before she gave me a chance to tell her my name. Then she talked about how much she loved my name. I didn’t mind, yet.

She told me that both of her parents died in a car crash when she was 7. Her older brother Talan and she both went to live with their grandfather. They lived with him for 4 years, but he was getting to old to care for them. He sent them to Belliveau.

I was looking at a picture of her parents who looks nothing like her. Elise had big puppy-like brown eyes and long brown hair and she had an olive complexion. Both her parents had blue eyes and light hair. Talan was tall, dark, and handsome and had electric blue eyes. From what I had seen so far, I really liked California boys.

Later that night, Elise and I went over to the boys’ lounge for pizza. She opened the door and my eyes widened and a grin spread across my face.

“Ricky!” I exclaimed, I ran over to him and hugged him.

“Hey cuz! Long time no see,” he said and kissed my cheek.

We had always been close; he was sort of like my older brother. When were little, before my uncle and my father got drafted, we use to do crazy things. He was a troublemaker & I was his partner in crime. I remember when I was three and he dared me to cut my uncles hair off for a lollipop. I was three, and crazy for lollipops, so I did it. Luckily, you can’t get to mad with a three year old.
Ricky introduced me to all the guys; I looked around at all of them and smiled.

Once we were all acquainted with each other, we sat down and ate the pizza. Elise was sitting with a few of the other girls I had met probably talking about the boys. I was sitting with the guys watching the baseball game; most of them were pretty surprised that I actually knew what was going on; I think it turned them on. I had just went to my first baseball game a few weeks ago to see the red sox game, I fell in love immediately. Some of the guys laughed when I said I loved the Red Sox.
“They’ll break you’re heart more often than any of us could,” Andrew said.

I had always listened to my dad, and he told me to stay away from guys as long as I could; I was positive that rule wouldn’t last long there. But I respected my dad from trying to keep my heart from being broken.

Andrew was infatuated by me the minute I walked in. He was really sweet but I couldn’t see us as anything but good friends. From what I had heard, he was a troublemaker. I wasn’t sure if he was naturally a rebel or if it was because he was the dean’s son.

The game ended and most of the boys went back to there room to play video games.

It was just Gavin, the boy that escorted me to my room, and me.
“So what brings you to Belliveau?” he asked
.
“My dad was drafted...” I replied.

“So you use to travel..?” he asked.

“I’ve lived in nine countries,” I said, I hoped it didn’t sound like bragging.

“Qué?” His eyes widened “dónde?”
His sudden switch to the Spanish language was telling me he traveled too, I thought.
I told him where I had lived and we continued to talk, about everything.
Every time there was a pause in the conversation, I would look up into his pretty blue eyes and he would always be looking back. I would blush and look down at my feet.

Gavin was the closest thing to perfection. He was a straight A student, class president and a gentlemen. Sure he got himself into trouble every now and then, but nothing major. He was also very charming; his black hair fell just a little bit over his beautiful blue eyes.



writers block =[
that's where I stopped last time, if any of you have any ideas to what should happen next, reply =]

From what you've got here I can tell that you have a good story, good characters and can definately make this into something people will read. However, at this current moment in time, this reads like a short overview of the events. If this is in fact meant to be a short story, then there's absolutely nothing wrong here, but if you want this to be something longer then I suggest expanding on what's going on. Describe the initial conversation between the main character and Elise, that in itself could be both a large and informational part of the opening sequence. I very much like the descriptions of te characters, but the interactions between them could be so much better.

All in all, I believe in this story. Don't let that bastard writer's block get the best of you. Kick him square in the teeth if you have to.

Keep it up.

Inertia's right. Slow down; you're rushing the story and we're not getting a very good impression of any of the characters. I can't form any attachments to the characters; I'm not much interested in her friends or new crush or the boys that are turned on by her basball knowledge. The story is very interesting but it's not yet engaging, and it must be in order to garner response from your readers.

I'm sure you didn't have time to edit, but I'm also sure you'd have found time later. Instead of rushing to post, please take the time to proofread your work and make sure you're punctuating and formatting properly. Each paragraph should be separated from the next by two spaces. (You can also use indentation, but since it doesn't work when posting here, double-spacing it is.)

Watch:

It was just Gavin, the boy that escorted me to my room, and me.
“So what brings you to Belliveau?” he asked.
“My dad was drafted...”I replied.
“so you use to travel..?” he asked.
“I’ve lived in nine countries” I said, I hoped it didn’t sound like bragging.

should actually be

It was just Gavin, the boy that escorted me to my room, and me.

“So what brings you to Belliveau?” he asked.

“My dad was drafted...”I replied.

“so you use to travel..?” he asked.

“I’ve lived in nine countries” I said, I hoped it didn’t sound like bragging.

There are a lot of little, silly typos. "So" should be capitalized. There should be a comma after "countries", before the quotation mark. A space should separate, "I replied" from the ellipses and the end-quote.

Inertia pretty much summed up all the main problems. I don't feel like I'm actually reading the story so much as a summary of it. You pause for a couple of anecdotes but rush the narrative along otherwise. That's not good. Slow down, take the time to actually cover these topics.

And remember: show, don't tell. Instead of directly telling us that Elise has "a very intense, bubbly personality," show us that through the dialogue. (And, through the dialogue, show us her love for talking.) Not only are you establishing her character, you'll also be able to give us a better impression of the main character.

And, on a side note, you may also want to read this Squills entry on perfect people.