Young Writers Society

Joe nodded his head again.

"But," he said as calmly as he could, "I need to get something from the back of the store."

The robber looked critically at him. Joe tried as best he could to put on an honest face.

He had no idea how to open the ATM, but he had to keep the gunman busy.

Finally the burglar gave in.

"Be back in one minute or your brother's gonna pay the price." He said. The gunman then stepped aside for the Joe to go.

Trying to stay calm as he walked, he began to formulate a plan.

He turned around the side of the counter, feeling the stare of the robber on his neck. He looked down and saw the cashier crouched on the floor, on the verge of hysteria.

Ever so slowly Joe entered the archway to the back of the store. He had to put his plan into action now.

Joe just hoped he could get through it alive.

To his left inside the archway Joe saw a phone attached to the wall. To his right was a wooden desk.

Joe took a deep breath, and purposely ran his toe into the desk.

"OUCH!" he yelled as loud as he could. He then held his foot and began bouncing.

"What is it?" the gunman yelled.

"Nothing, nothing!" exclaimed Joe, "I just stubbed my toe." He then made a few groans of pain as realistically as he could, and started to bend down towards his foot.

"Let me see if there's anything wrong with my toe," he yelled back to the robber.

"Well, hurry up!" the gunman urged him. Max watched Joe from the burglar's arms, as clueless as ever.

In one swift move as Joe bent down, he grasped the the phone with his left hand, under cover of the wall.

"Oh, I think it's okay," he said, and laid the phone ever so gently on the floor.

"Just give me a second," he told the gunman, and slowly pressed 9-1-1.

I read it. It was fine but nothing speacal. Work espeahally hard on the next chapter. My interest is waneing.

NOthing much else happened in this chapter, it was good and it is mainly about the story, no excess description. I am enjoying hte tale but this oine seemed a little bland like Zelithan said.

thanx, I will try my hardest on the next chapter, I will probably be the longest yet.

I just wanted to get this small part out of the way since i wasn't feeling very good yesterday.

Anyway you won't be dissapointed with Ch. 9!

Remember long is not nessiserily good writing.

OF COURSE ITS NOT!

i was just saying a lot will happen in the next ch. thats all.

the length of it has nothing to do with how good it will be

Great tension in your short sentences and paragraphs.

But you've got a repetitious problem with adverbs - ever so slowly and ever so gently. It popped out to me. Once in a chapter might be the most you'd want to use something like that; and then use others ways of exaggerating the action. Anything else that might denote the slowness; painfully, painstaking care... something like that?

Yes, well, just a comment. I enjoyed reading this.

Thanxs!

I hadn't noticed I used those phrases too much.

I'll try my best to fix it