Young Writers Society

Hey there Taylor!

Thanks for the request, sorry it took so long to fulfill

I see that you already come awesome reviews, and I'm not really sure what I can add to that.

Well, your writing was flawless, I loved your descriptions and your MC's voice. What I would have liked is more 'conversation' at the end. The dialogue felt...flat. I wanted more out of Erik. I wanted guilt in his eyes, or choking up when he's trying to talk. I understand that he'd be dazed and confused, but he asked for her and sits there looking dumb? Doesn't react to her presence?

That was pretty much all I had to say. Sorry if I couldn't add more, but you're a very talented writer, and the best reviews are already done. Feel free to request another review from me: it would be a real pleasure to read more of your work.

Tanya

Hey Bubbles. Sorry I took so long. I don't think I have much to say, but I'll try-honestly.

Now wow. Your story telling style is wondrous and I didn't have a hard time correcting any mistake. It was a nice time reading it, and I don't think there was much scope of improvement here since your piece was almost perfect. But I came too late, so others might have said something which I could have.

Okay, my one nit-pick here would be of the looks. Here for the story the looks, how this guy looks is more important than how the lady looks. It might not be of great value to the story or the plot line as such, but we need to really know or imagine him while we're reading the story largely based on him. On the other hand, Anna could have went into how he had changed considerably over the time. Because she had not met him for two months, and boys in that age grow. So you could have divulged upon that equation, too.

Besides, one thing that I'd have liked to know or seen more was how the candies tasted. Honestly telling I haven't ever tasted whatever you were talking about, and since they had so many of it, going back into those days would be refreshing and a cool adventure for us, too. Maybe you could have come up with any flavours it had. Personally, I was expecting a bitter sweet reunion and some happy ever after. I was disappointed, but I am happy it wasn't that predictable end you had in here, but something different. So it was also good.

My one problem with this story would be emotions. Most of the time the emotions you had were like 'bursting in anger' and all, not something I could feel. That was the problem. Even for one second I could not keep myself in her position and think like her. Of course I felt sympathy with her, but nothing I felt myself. So my suggestion would be to bring in her emotions by keeping yourself in her position(though only for the story), and try writing what you'd feel, or how your MC should be feeling taken in her personality and character. I think these are the basics, and you should work on it.

Overall, an excellent job! ^_^

~Shrubbery

I've been gone for too long. I apologize. But here I am!

NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION

In fact, we considered each other our sister and brother, because we had no siblings of our own.

Maybe we could tweak this, because I think that's a tad confusing. what about:

In fact, we considered each other siblings, because neither of us had a brother or a sister of our own.

But I came to realize that there waswere so much more than that.

We both had friends; but over the years his had slowly turned against him, leaving him with no one but me and his absent father.

While he had his quirks, he was the most independent person I knew--not many young boys can semi-run a house and still do well in school!

When I had come rushing in, the desk clerk sharply told me to be quiet, but after I asked for Erik, her tone softened and she told me an extriemely confusing and surprising thing--Erik had told the police to call me--not his dad, not his neighbors, but...me.

But I needed something to-to get to the bottom of everything that had been going on.

He finally looked at me, really looked at me for once. His eyes took in my puffy, red face: my worried and hurt expression.

He winced as if he couldn't stand the torture of just looking at me, and dropped his gaze to the floor once again.

>> Just for clearance.

“Why the hell are you doing this? Is this why you've been avoiding me for the past year!Because I'm too perfect for you!”

And one petty last thing:

Make 3rd and 7th third, seventh, respectively.



I've two three things to make clear:

First, I'm sorry, but your tenses were confusing. What would you think if something told in the past had flahsbacks, which, just like what was happening at that moment of time, used the past tense also. CONFUSING. I must suggest: write it in present tense, so people knows what's happening in the main story, and what was for the background.

Second, I'm sorry again, but there was a hole -- probably not the only one.

How did she know he had tried to suicide?
You have to make that clear. You didn't clear that up actually. And it left me drooling. Umm...did I miss something?

And...

Third, the pace was just too fast. It was pretty much like a rant, in terms of angry speaking. (LOL) The dramatization is lost when you try to tell everything too fast. Don't do that. It's okay to slow up a bit. If you don't get what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the flashbacks. They were too fast, at times I get lost.

Well, that's all really. LOL Thanks so much for waiting. I'm sorry for such a short review.

Don't ever stop writing!

~ Jash ♥

This was absolutely amazing!!!!!!! I have nothing else to say