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The Prevailing Darkness - Chapter Three



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Fri Nov 11, 2011 9:33 am
jackle says...



This text goes out to Bree and her family for their recent loss. R.I.P li’l Nathan. Send this <3 to ten of your contacts to show your support.

After forwarding the message, I slid my phone in my pocket before any prying teachers sought it out with their watchful eyes.

The slab of concrete on which I stood was riddled dozens of black marks like a disease-baring, grey-hided monster that lay dead and cold beneath my feet. I was careful to avoid the fresher lumps of gum that still retained their colour as I headed for the middle school area.

Emerging from the shade of the undercover walkway, I was brought to a more pleasant sight than the obvious lack of respect for Forest Lake State High’s “No Gum” policy.

Sunlight pooled between the spaced out trees where bright blue, metal picnic benches stood mostly deserted. The serene atmosphere would be short lived, lasting only until just before the eight twenty-five bell. I headed to the only bench where people sat and joined them. They were too deep in their debate to notice my arrival.

“If she really saw her kid getting taken, why wouldn’t she call the cops right then? Why wait til the morning?” a scawny kid asked, leaning forward in a conspiring manner.
The girl beside me shrugged. “I heard she was feverish when she saw. Or maybe she just had a nightmare.”
“I heard she killed her own kid and all this is a cover up.” Brent had his chest puffed out and chin raised as though he had the most interesting thing to say and everyone should all listen and agree with him. All he got was a load of eye-rolls.
“Why would she do it?”
“She was depressed,” he declared, then the group fell silent.
“Poor Bree,” I muttered. “She must be going through hell right now.”

Everyone’s gaze turned to me, then flicked to something behind me. Before I knew what was happening, I was being dragged away by a sharp grip on my arm.

I turned on my kidnapper. Large green eyes peeked at me from beneath a hay stack of golden-brown hair.

“A wolf, aye?” Vivi said in a hushed voice.
I glanced at the people at the table. They had turned back to each other and continued with their conversation. “Yep.”
“There aren’t any wolves in Australia.”
“I know what I saw,” I insisted. “It wasn’t a dog, this thing was huge.”
“How huge?”
“Taller than you,” I looked down at Vivi, who was a year younger than I and barely reached my shoulder. “It might’ve been taller than me. I only saw it from a distance.” I was exaggerating. So? Sue me.
“Bullcrap.”
“I’m telling you the truth, you just gotta trust me.”
“Trust you? Ha-ha!” she mocked-laughed. “You can’t pull that one on me again.”
I sighed. “Now I know how the boy who cried wolf felt…”
Lauren and Phoebe joined us as a wave of kids arrived from down the walkway.

“Hiya,” Phoebe said brightly, dumping her bag on the table. “What are yous talking about?”
“Nothing,” I sighed.
“What happened to you?” Lauren asked, jabbing at a bruise on my knee. A scratch ran the length of my shin and my palms were still raw with grazes.
“I did it saving someone’s life, I swear,” I tried to be serious but my grin betrayed me.
“Supposedly she fell over running away from a wolf,” Vivi said in a tone that sparked annoyance in my mind.
“A wolf?” Lauren repeated sceptically. I couldn’t help but notice the large chunk of breakfast caught in her braces. “There aren’t any wolves here.”
“That’s what I said,” Vivi rolled her eyes. “I reckon she’s making it up.”
“I’m not,” I said indignantly.
“Are you sure it wasn’t a dingo?” Phoebe asked.
Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “You ever seen a dingo in Flake?”
“No…” Phoebe ducked behind her strawberry blonde hair.
“I’ve seen a wallaby, in the bush behind school,” Lauren waved her pale hand airily to the back gate.
Turning her back on Lauren, Vivi swayed in front of me, capturing my full attention. “So what did the girl say again?”
“There’s a girl now?” Phoebe asked.
Vivi nodded. Her every movement seemed sped up, a hyperactive blur. “Yeah....” she babbled on, telling the other two girls more details than I would’ve liked.

Well, that’s Vivi for you.

I tried to tune out the babble, but it seemed double layered, as though it was echoing in my mind. However when I stared at Vivi’s full pink lips, the ‘echo’ was her speech. I heard what she was saying, before her lips formed the words.

I shook my head violently, and the double audio layer disappeared. It was just my mind lagging, I thought. Hearing it in real life, then playing the visual and repeating the audio to match… I wondered if I was even making sense, or if having a visual lag was possible.

The obnoxious morning bell ruptured my thoughts, and the four of us grabbed our bags and began walking to class.

Vivi’s volley’s slapped the gum-spotted concrete noisily. My sneakers were comparatively silent; everything about me was silent in comparison to Vivi. She was loud and outgoing, a spark of life beside me, the quiet, invisible one. But Phil always noticed me.

Ice cold water trickled down my spine. My back arched, trying to escape the uncomfortable coldness, but it clung to my skin. I spun around, ready to knock the head off whoever had decided to empty their water bottle down my shirt. But I already knew who it was.

“Phillip, you dickhead!”
Phil giggled, ducking away through the crowd as I reached out to grab him.
“Yeah, run like the little pussy you are!” I called, giving up the chase.
“Ooh,” his mates chorused. “You gonna take that, Phil?”
But Phil wasn’t listening. He was already busy chatting up a slim, pretty tenth grader by the water bubblers.

“What a douche,” Vivi griped. “Anyways, see yous at lunch.” Vivian joined a group of students and headed for the grade eight pod, while Phoebe, Lauren and I followed the grade nines before separating for our different classes.

“Loner.”
I didn't turn at the familiar voice. My whole face lifted in a smile. “Dick.”
Dylan laughed. “Hey Alexis.”
“Wassup?”
“Everyone’s gossiping about the body like there’s no tomorrow.”
“I’m sure you have nothing to do with that.”
He raised his hands, palms open. “Guilty as charged. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”
“Mmm, I know what you’re like.”
“Oh really?” He teased, wiggling his fingers under my arm for a tickle.

I laughed, struggling to get away, but he pulled me close, and for I moment I thought he was going to kiss me. He released me quite abruptly though, shifting his dark auburn hair from his hazel eyes with a flick of his head. Three familiar guys were heading our way, Dylan’s mate.

“Later, Alex,” Dyl grunted.
I don’t know why, but I shuddered. No one had ever called me Alex before.
Dylan joined his mates before they noticed him and I standing together.

So much for not being ashamed of me…

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Gender: Female
Points: 368
Reviews: 456
Wed Nov 16, 2011 12:02 am
Rascalover says...



Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review! I'll comment mostly on grammar mistakes because I haven't read the other chapters, and don't know what's going on plot wise.

The slab of concrete on which I stood was riddled dozens of black marks like a disease-baring, grey-hided monster that lay dead and cold beneath my feet.

The word with should be after riddled.

a scawny kid asked

Do you mean a scrawny kid?

I tried to be serious but my grin betrayed me.

There should be a comma after serious because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

“I’m not,” I said indignantly.

There should be a comma after said.

However when I stared at Vivi’s full pink lips, the ‘echo’ was her speech.

There should be a comma after however.

She was loud and outgoing, a spark of life beside me, the quiet, invisible one. But Phil always noticed me.

Never start a sentence with a conjuntion (For, And, Nor, But, r, Yet, So). Replace the period after one with a comma nad lower case the b in but.

I spun around, ready to knock the head off whoever had decided to empty their water bottle down my shirt. But I already knew who it was.

Replace the period after shirt with a comma and lowercase the b in but.

But Phil wasn’t listening.

If you absolutely need the but here place a comma after the word but, but if you don't need it just take it out.

“Later, Alex,” Dylan grunted.

Only use nicknames in dialogue.

I don’t know why, but I shuddered. No one had ever called me Alex before.

Overall, this was a very short chater with not much action or events going on... If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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