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Young Writers Society


Jessica



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Fri Nov 11, 2011 4:23 am
DarknessSurroundsMe says...



Chapter 1
Dude Think Fast


"Dude think fast!"
Liam whirled around to see Evan throw his new football right at his head.
"AHHH!"
He then attempted to duck into a near by bush just as the ball came passing by him at an amazing speed, going right over the fence, and right into the yard of the crazy old rich lady next door.

"Oh great you big dummy.... Look what you did!"
"Me?! Your the one who tried to kill me!"
"Well someone's gonna have to go get it...NOT IT!"
"HEY NO FAIR!!! NO WAY AM I GOING IN THERE ALONE! WHAT IF SHE TRIES TO EA-"
Evan hit Liam upside the head, "She never leaves the damn house Liam..."
Liam shook his head violently, "no way am I going IN THERE alone!"
Evan sighed. "Fine you big baby.. Lets go together."
Together they crawled through the hole in the fence into the old, weed infested garden.
"Ok. Operation 'Get the ball back from the crazed old witch' is a go." And with that said both of them split up and went searching through the weeds and old dead flower patches.
"Hey Liam you find it yet?" Evan wrinkled his nose as he came across a dead rat or mouse, he couldn't tell which.
"Yep!"
Both Evan and Liam froze, since when did either of them sound like a girl?! Both turned around and came face to face with, well, a female. A member of the opposite sex. A young female. Next-door. Living with crazy lady. It just didn't add up.
So there they where, standing face to face with this girl, not entirely knowing what to say.
"Ya know if you wanted it back all you had to do was come to the door and ask." Even though she sounded really annoyed and was about to explode Evan couldn't help but notice that her voice sounded just like that of an angel(if angels ever existed that is), and how her dark brown hair really made one pay attention to her icy blue eyes and how her skin looked so perfect and seemed to glow in the sunlight. He shook his head. Why was he thinking like that? He honestly was clueless.
"Uh.... Sorry?" 'Aw damnit that was the best I could think of'
"....Your Evan right?" She cocked her head to the right slightly and frowned a little bit.
"Uh Yeah....How did you know?"
Then turning to Liam, completely ignoring Evan's question, "And I'm assuming your Liam?"
"Y-Yes! And you are?" Evan could tell he was scared stiff, which made Evan laugh a little covering it over with a cough.
"That's not important. Here take your stupid ball." Throwing it, quite hard actually, hitting Liam square in the gut causing him to fall over, gasping for breath.
"Hey Whoa! Where you going?" Evan stood in front of her making a human wall between her and the door.
"Get out of my way.."
Evan smirked a little "Tell me your name, and how you know who we are, then you can go on doing whatever the female species does."
"Ok." The girl sat on the ground, not moving at all.
"Uhh.... WHAT are you doing?" Even crouched down on his knees so he was eye level with her.
The next thing he knows she jumps up, and jumps clear over his head, landing perfectly in front of the door.
"Jessica." She said with a half smile and half smirk. "And my Grandmother told me about you two." And with that said she opened the door and bolted inside.
Now If Evan could have done a spit take he would have. So this 'Jessica' was related to the crazy old rich lady.. He did NOT see that coming.
"E-Evan.. What's wrong?" Liam managed to make out in between breaths.
"S-She's related to that crazy old witch.."
"WHAT?!?!?!"

A/N Hope I am doing this right o.o meh
PLEASE tell me what I can improve on and what you liked. it is MUCH appreciated
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1090
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Fri Nov 11, 2011 6:15 am
panda21 says...



i love it keeep up the great work *********** panda21*************
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1031
Reviews: 10
Fri Nov 11, 2011 10:10 pm
deelish says...



Hi, DarknessSurroundsMe! Welcome to YWS.
I remember when I first joined, I felt good when I posted my first piece of writing and got a cheery little welcome. So, here's yours. I enjoyed this. Pretty good. Realistic and not too far-fetched. Something that could happen in a regular person's life. What got my attention about this is that you sparked a chord of wonder for me as a reader. There seems to be something mysterious about Jessica...what exactly is it? I can predict there will be a love triangle of some sort, who will win her over? Those are my thoughts, so you could see someone else's point of view. But I will point out there were a couple grammatical errors. Also, Jessica got a sort-of detailed description about herself but Liam and Evan were muted down in terms of character appearance. Keep up the good work! Hope this helped.

-Deelish
  








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